Medinski Oblongata

Leaked Pepsi PR Announcement

2010-05-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

I got word from a friend from within the Pepsi empire that they were about to send out this press release, and then sent the product back to testing. Right now, he's not sure on the future of the whole 'food-drinks' concept, but this is what we're looking at coming down the pipeline...

Pepsi Ham
Pepsi has successfully test-marketed Pepsi Ham--the first ham-based soft drink. It still has all the ham flavor of a Sunday meal, but with a quarter of the calories and in the convenient bottle or can everyone is used to. At its release, it will be available in 12 ounce cans and one liter bottles, to be followed by two and three liter bottles.

Pepsi Ham started in response to a failed merger with Hormel. They found that a lot of their customers enjoyed pork products.

"It was only natural that we put the two together," Frank Erikshod explained, director of the soft drink-food product crossover division. "We found that most people want to combine the smooth flavor they've come to enjoy in Pepsi matched with the smokey taste of honey ham. But without all the fat and hassle of chewing."

The Pepsi Ham will also be followed later by Pepsi Fish Fillet and Pepsi Corned Beef--which are both Kosher for Passover. "Sometimes you can't be at the Seder table," Rabbi Schmein Henkle. "When I first came to Pepsi to head up the Kosher food-drink products, I knew we had to find flavors that didn't just appeal to our Jewish customer. And I think we did it very well."

Indeed, it was difficult to extract the complex flavor of a meal and distill it into America's favorite soft drink, but Pepsi has proven itself to be about innovation.

Read This While You're Bored

2010-04-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

I wrote a little something for our wedding guests. My plan was to leave a few of these papers on each table so that guests could a) have a little souvenir and b) have something to read if they got bored (like if they arrived early or whatever). I was pretty proud of myself, because sometimes weddings can be boring (and 'sometimes' is putting it nicely. However, what actually happened is that I forgot to print them out. I suppose with my luck, I should be glad I showed up on the right day at the right time at the right place. So here for you is my Read This If/When You're Bored--meant for my wedding guests, but now for you here:

Read This If/When You’re Bored:
Here are some fun things to read, as well as some games.

Fun Facts About the Bride and Groom
• Ryan worked at Cliff’s Amusement Park as a street show actor. That was his first job, though he never talks about it—nor will he. So don’t ask.
• Le’s first job was at 99 Ranch. She was a good bagger.
• Ryan loves peanut butter and banana sandwiches—just like Elvis (though Ryan doesn’t fry them).
• Every car Le has ever had was a Honda Civic.
• Le doesn’t like Japanese curry, but likes Indian and Thai curry. What’s her problem?
• Ryan’s jobs have included sandwich maker, dishwasher, server, tax collector, toy sales, music sales, tutor, R&D engineer, resident advisor, orientation leader, confectioner, and waterworks engineer.
• Ryan has one movie credit.
• Le’s favorite computer game is The Sims.
• Le likes apple-tinis.
• Le went to CSULA. Ryan went to CSULA. They did not meet there, nor were they there at the same time.

Rejected Honeymoon Ideas
• We could fly into Munster, Indiana and stay at the 3-star Hampton Inn. Sure, it’s freezing outside, but there’s great Chicago-style pizza right down the street and Planet Pork Chops is a short 10 minute drive. We could hit the movie house or swim in the indoor pool. There’s a Trader Joe’s 30 minutes away. What else do we need?
• We tell everyone we went on a honeymoon, but stay in beautiful West Los Angeles (right next to Santa Monica! Wow!). We pretend we don’t speak English (or Chinese) when people call so they leave us alone for a couple of weeks. We could go to the beach (though it might be chilly, so we wouldn’t be able to swim) and maybe go to downtown LA to take in some museums (we could park at Ryan’s work for free!).
• We could stay in Yuma, AZ or Blythe, CA on the border. It’s in the desert, so we’d get that Palm Springs-desert feeling without the cool hotels, restaurants, museums, and atmosphere. It’d be like visiting a really low-end resort.
• We could go to Hawaii, but instead of flying there we could stow away on a freighter by packing ourselves into a large shipping carton. We’d just have to stock up on supplies from Trader Joe’s and Costco, figure out waste disposal, and figure out how to stay quiet for a month. So adventurous.
• Know how people do Habitat For Humanity? We could do something like that in Hawaii. But instead of volunteering, we could go find some job sites that will actually pay us. Then at night when everyone goes home, we stay in the unfinished house. It would be romantic.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie…that’s corneal abrasion.

Things Le Made Ryan Eat Since They’ve Been Together
• Chicken feet (it’s okay)
• Durian (pretty good; smells funny)
• Bitter mellon (yuck)
• Shark-fin soup (good stuff)

Things Ryan Refuses to Eat
• Congealed cow or pig blood
• Human

What Did Le Want to be When She Grew Up?
• Nurse
• Graphic designer
• Hairdresser

What Did Ryan Want to be When He Grew Up?
• Firetruck
• Nuclear engineer
• Writer

If Le could have any car(s)…
• She would want to be driven around by a chauffer. She doesn’t care what kind of car it is as long as it’s comfortable and quiet.

If Ryan could have any car(s)…
• Mercedes SLR
• Maserati Gran Turismo
• Cadillac CTS-V
• Audi R8 V10
• Something green

Which ONE of these words is real?
Obfuscationization
Malibdificence
Gorbochevity
Ogletimidity
Dog
Shelgidectomy
Homeocylindrical
Polyfractibility

Number Fun (Try it! It’s fun!)
1) Choose a number between 1 and 10.
2) Add 3.
3) Multiply times 5.
4) Raise it to the 2nd power.
5) Punch yourself in the face 6 times.
6) Take the number you end up with and write out a check to the bride and groom in that amount.

Ice Breakers: Ask Your Neighbor Some Questions…
1) 1) What is your name?
2) Do you like pickles?
3) What’s your favorite movie?
4) Do you think you could beat me up?
5) If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
6) What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
7) Do you want to arm wrestle?
8) What is your least favorite food?
9) Can I have a pint of your blood?
10) If you could be any animal, what would it be?
11) If you could eat any animal, what would it be?
12) What are some foods you refuse to eat?
13) What did/do you want to be when you grew/grow up?
14) What would you name your chicken if you decided to hit the cockfighting circuit?
15) Why are/aren’t you a vegetarian?
16) Would you eat a radial tire for $100,000 if you had a year to eat it? $250,000? How much would it take?

Food Stamp Fights

2010-01-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

California's economy is in a bad way. The state government was talking about selling off some of it's real estate assets--and this was BEFORE everyone realized the state coffers were beyond empty. You wanted to sell the LA Coliseum. Nevermind the emotional attachment some people have--fuck that. Emotions don't put food on the table.

Our leadership--that's YOU, Arnie--needs to act, and act fast. We need some genius ways to get some money--before it's too, too late (you know, since it's too late already...). I have an excellent idea.

Food stamps are getting popular. It COULD be a bad thing--more money from the state budget to feed the people that lost their jobs. We as Californians have the ingenuity and the will to make this work, though. We have the ability to turn an annoyance or a negative into an asset.

Don't sell off the LA Coliseum just yet, because we can use that. I'll boil it down for you...

Problem: No fucking money and all those food stamps and Medical costs.

Solution: Think about musical chairs. You have ten kids and nine chairs, some music, and a recipe for a good time. Now imagine the same thing, but instead of chairs, we use food stamp benefits and blunt weapons--knives, swords, shields. We're talking ancient Roman gladiator shit. You put a group of 100 food stamp recipients in the LA Coliseum--just pluck them from the lines at the unemployment office. Fuck, put a lion in the middle of the Coliseum with them for safe measure. Give them aforementioned weapons, and tell them that the last man standing gets a $500 shopping spree at the grocery store of their choice and a $1,000 off any General Motors vehicle.

If the lion wins, though, they all lose.

You're thinking, "This is cruel." But think about it--you'll have either 0 or 1 food stamp recipients after this. And that lion doesn't eat for free, either, but I'll continue. All you've spent was the $500 for the shopping spree (which you might be able to get donated--it is tax deductible, after all) and the $1,000 off any GM vehicle (which they'll give to anybody anyway). What have you spent? Nothing (assuming you can get someone to donate a lion).

Benefits? The savings in food stamps, for one, but that's just the beginning. Meanwhile, you've already sold tickets to the Coliseum. All the human rights groups will be outside picketing the event--free publicity. Hell, PETA will be there, too--more free publicity. Look at what the Coliseum holds:

70,000 seats

140 luxury suite

10,000 club seats

Let's charge $50 for general admission, $250 for club seats, and $25,000 per luxury suite. We're looking at $9.5 million per event--excluding concessions. This is just ticket revenue. We haven't even looked at the bidding war with the major networks to televise this. That will make the ticket revenue look like chump change. And any other city that takes this idea will have to pay the State of California royalties.

If we keep doing these events, we'll eventually have no more food stamp recipients and a healthy budget. Some day in the not-too-distant future you'll thank me, California.

I LOVE FACEBOOK!!!

2010-01-09T01:13:00.000-08:00

Some people love Facefuck. At any time of the day, you can log on and see exactly what your friends and/or family (but not Mom or Dad for the love of Christ) are doing. The first couple of weeks on Facefuck are like a Goddamn honeymoon. All your friends are there--and NOW you are too! Your buddy from the fifth grade? There he is! Your friend from college who is now married with six kids, a labrador, husband, live-in lesbian girlfriend, and an open marriage? There she is! That effeminate boy who later came out of the closet, and then later went back in and married a large-bosomed woman that looks like she fell from the pages of the coarsest pornography?

Yep, all there. It's like you get to hang out with all your friends. And what's better, you get to see what they're doing all through the day if you want.

"I'm bored. Looking in the fridge...Nothin' there. Man, I need to do some shopping."

"Just bought some bananas. Too green to eat. Hungry, though. Should I eat a waffle?"

"Bunnies are funny. I want a dog, though."

"Just dropped the kids off at daycare."

"Lots to do today at work. Running late."

"Doing FB on Blackberry is hard but can do whil I drve to wirk! Pepole cant' drive!!"

"Suns out! Me no want to work!"

"Called in sick! Going to play outside today!"

"Ate a waffle. Bananas are ripe. Not hungry, though. I'll eat them later."

"Bored. There's nothing to do. Going to take a quick nap."

"Those bananas are too brown. What should I do with them? Banana bread?"

"Went to store. Just got back. Nothing on TV."

"Picked up kids at daycare."

"Depressed. :("

"I hate bananas. Why do I buy them? Threw them away."

"What's on TV? There's something with David Hasselhoff..."

And on and on and on like this. I read shit like this every time I go onto Facefuck. Facefuck makes me want to repeatedly punch myself in the face. These are my friends we're talking about (note--the above wasn't a real series from Facefuck). Now, I want to know what's going on in my friends' lives, but...so much detail? And it's not detail--that's the thing. There's no detail. They're killing me with banalities. Is life so boring that they have to broadcast this to whomever will listen?

Not that I'm complaining.

And not that I'm talking about YOU. You're fine; I just thought you'd be able to identify with me. YOU know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about all those other clowns.

Next Week: Chicago

2010-01-08T18:28:00.000-08:00

Next week I go to Chicago. And with this, I'm presented with a new problem. Sure, it's asshole-shrinkingly cold, but that's not my concern.

Where the fuck am I supposed to eat? And by the way, I'm going to Munster, Indiana which is NEAR Chicago--but not in Chicago.

The Problem:
There are no resources with unbiased reviews online. Yelp? You think that's unbiased? I've been into many, many highly recommended places on Yelp that tasted like warm shit on a plate (and everyone knows that warm shit tastes much worse than cold shit--it's a fact). The reason, it seems, is that people are biased. People who own shitty restaurants call up their friends and tell them to put glowing reviews on Yelp. Then, idiots like me go in expecting tasty food and instead put the aforementioned warm shit in my mouth.

The Solution:
Legal arson. You see, they need to add a pay feature into Yelp (hello, revenue stream!) so that paying subscribers can put in a vote to burn a place down if the food doesn't live up to the hype. That 5-star vegetarian place served you a dry shit-tasting sandwich? You get more than five 'Burn the Fucker Down' votes in, and you go out for the public burning. People who pay seem to take their opinion more seriously (ie. sites like Metafilter); free services tend to be packed in with people who have crossed the border to Retardoland (fuck these guys and fuck these guys).

My Brilliant Restaurant Idea

2010-01-02T01:06:00.000-08:00

I'm going to share a big secret with you and only you. Don't tell.

I'm going to open a restaurant. You're probably saying, "70% of all restaurants fail within the first year." Whatever. This one is going to be big.

The Idea
The place will be called 'More Than Meet' (which, though nonsensical, people will think is high-brow and intelligently funny). It'll be a vegan place where everything on the menu will taste just like the real thing it's supposed to mimic. Our hamburgers will taste, look, and smell just like hamburgers. Our hot dogs wrapped in bacon will make anyone say, "This is VEGAN?" Want to cut into a steak that actually fights back--something you actually have to saw that knife into? None of that rubbery tofu resilience. We're talking meats that are just like the real thing. A simple omelet that tastes like--surprise!--a real omelet? Fucking A right!

"Jesus," they'll say. "This burger tastes so real. I haven't eaten a burger in 8 years, and this tastes just like the real thing."

Even the meat-eaters will be like, "Wow! This steak is so good. I could totally go vegetarian."

People not only are willing to pay a premium for vegetarian foods, but a higher premium for vegan foods. Vegetarian/vegan foods that mimic non-vegetarian foods? An even higher premium.

Here's some math if you don't understand it so far:
Premium + Premium + Premium = Big Time Money

The Execution
I'll get a warehouse a few miles away. I'll get a bunch of large empty containers that will say, "Proprietary Meat Substitute." The meat substitute will be my restaurant's proprietary recipe. Each week under the cover of night, I'll sneak in shipments of meat--cheap steaks, hamburger meat, hot dogs--and repackage them in the containers that say "Proprietary Meat Substitute." Then, those containers will be trucked to each restaurant. That way, people will see the truck roll up and unload a bunch of containers that say it's meat SUBSTITUTE. That's enough evidence they'll need to know this is the real deal (though it's not--but they'll THINK it is).

And for awhile, everyone will be happy with themselves. The meat-eaters who frequent 'More Than Meet' will be happy because they'll think they're eating healthy. The vegetarians will be happy because they're staying with their diet. The vegans will be happy because they'll be convinced that they're not harming animals. The health inspectors will be happy because they'll be getting paid off.

In the meantime, I can dump a large portion of the profits (ie. around 5%) into research and development so that I can actually develop meat substitute so that right before I'm found out, I'll be able to replace the meat with meat substitute.

The OSHA Guy

2009-12-28T19:30:00.000-08:00

I was in a meeting today and they were talking about compliance with OSHA. "Yeah, we need to set up a time for the OSHA guy got come down."

"Oh," someone said, "They're sending a new OSHA guy."

"Really? Why?"

"He died."

Long silence as everyone pretended to pay silent respects, but you know everyone was thinking what I was thinking. "Did he fall off the top step of a ladder and break his neck?"

This, of course, would be ironic. This, sir, would be the ironies of ironies. And yet, I suppose that this wasn't a forum for dark humor. These are professional people in a professional meeting who probably don't see the humor in irony.

Beethoven was deaf.

Mozart the musical genius? A complete pervert.

People thought Einstein was stupid when he was a kid. This was before they could even use the term 'Einstein' in a sarcastic sense. "Hey, Einstein, why are you so fucking stupid?"

Delicious irony.

OSHA guy died of a heart attack, though. That's not really irony; that's just a shame.

Underachievements of Mankind

2009-12-27T22:25:00.001-08:00

The last time I posted anything to this blog was in January of 2007. I was a different person back then. I was almost three years younger. My, how the time flies. And it really does, too.

Now on the cusp of 2010, we should stop and look at things society expected to happen by now. Have we made some big achievements? Sure. But what about the REALLY big ones? Let's look at problems standing in the way of the huge achievements, and some solutions...

1) WORLD PEACE
Fuck that. We'd have world peace oozing out of our ears if it wasn't for the Goddamn foreigners. The problem? Foreigners. Solution? We annex all the other countries. We send out telegrams (yes, telegrams--do it old school) that say, "Welcome to America. You're now one of us." Seriously, this will totally mindfuck the world into ceasing their fighting.

2) FLYING CARS
Flying cars. Not a day goes by when I look up to the sky and think, "If I were driving up there, I wouldn't be in all this Goddamn traffic." Listen, there's no reason we should spend our lives on the ground. Look at the Jetson's and stop thinking of it as a children's cartoon; think of it as a documentary sent to us from the future. Problem? Driving on the ground. Solution? Take money out of cancer research and put it into flying car development. Think about it, all the focus on cancer research over the last several decades--they should have it pretty much solved by now, right? So let a few people finish it up, and the rest focus on getting cars in the air. Besides, the aliens (see 3 below) will be able to solve the whole "cancer problem."

3) ALIEN CONTACT

Aliens are out there. Statistically speaking, when you take into account the sheer size of the universe combined with our existence, then the probability approaches 1 that there are aliens. If there are any, we could assume we're at least/most average. We're average size, intelligence, and skill-level. That would mean that some aliens are testicle-crunchingly stupid, while others are unfathomably smart. Which means we can exploit the stupid ones and make them our slaves, while we could find some peaceful, pacificst smart aliens who won't MIND being exploited (ie. enslaved). Problem? Nobody takes this seriously enough. Solution? Get a task force together to come up with a shit list--you know, shit that nobody wants to do and we've been putting it off forever. Stuff like raking leaves or repainting your house--but on a national scale. Then we explain to everyone, "Look, if we just focus on communicating with aliens, we'll be able to soon TAKE ADVANTAGE of aliens. Then the ALIENS will do all our shitwork and we can just chill out by the pool."

2007-01-31T00:26:00.000-08:00

I am ready to start posting the responses to the latest ad. To summarize and bring you up to date, this is the ad by the pro-life Republican who owns the cockfighting video distribution business.

Overall, I'd say we have Success (yes, with a capital 'S'). Why?

Check this out. Today, I start with the LAST email I received:

(1)
Your posting has been flagged down by craigslist users.

Approximately 98% of postings removed by flagging are in violation of craigslist posting guidelines.

Please make sure you are abiding by all posted site rules, including our terms of use:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/terms.of.use.html

If you need help figuring out why your posting was flagged, try asking other craigslist users in our flag help forum: http://forums.craigslist.org/?forumID=3. Include posting title, body, category, city, how often posted, any images, HTML markup, etc.

If your posting was wrongly flagged down (2% of flagged ads are) please accept our apologies and feel free to repost.

Sorry for the hassle, and thanks for your understanding.

YES! So from here on are the non-computer generated responses to the ad.

(2)
ok

that was funny.

(3)
HEllo- (this thing on?!)

Hows the Site working out for you?
*getting lots and lots of responces?

WELL- I just wanted to send you a message here..
If you have a minute - send a reply! :-)
*(Includes pic of a guy who hopes--prays--that he looks like the Fonz. He looks more like Corky from Life Goes On.)

(4)
I can't tell if you're serious or if you're really a Democrat at heart.
Is
it a test to see who can sense your underlying sarcasm?
If not, you're batshit insane and I hope to hell you don't find someone
to
procreate with.
--J.

(5)
I'm an ultraconservative-executioner type. How do you like that? And my fave of all time:
RWR. You should know who I'm talking about. Have a framed picture of him in my living room (which is NOT where I took this lame photo of myself with that awesome sheet/curtain!) And I have zero tatts. Only prob: I drive an old Volvo and might have a couple of years on you.

(6)
Here is my pic. I was excepted to Cornell but chose to go to USC because they had a better accounting program. My favorite political figure is Ronald Regan. I am a registered republican. I have attached something funny.

B***
*(Includes a horrible picture of guys with guns standing over a pile of dead birds arranged to spell out, "PETA SUCKS." Other picture is a face shot; he looks like your typical skinhead jock. Which one is the "something funny?"

(7)
in sm you must feel alonein s/m my city 180 defernt all the best from the punk rock hero

(8)
very funny but you are obviously a dude.
*(Includes the following pic.)

(10)
cockfighting? now Im confused.

(11)
Hey, I like what you have to say, you are a right on young lady, while Im too old for you I just wanted to say that I wish there were more like you in Cali, this state is a lost cause with too mant Libs. Just remember that
Bush is not really a conservative republican but a little more liberal when it comes to illegal immigration. Im sure your aware though. When I was married my ex had an abortion because she was 5150 (bi polar) while she was pregnant in early stage. Although I feel we made the right decision at the time, it was very painful to us both later in life. I dont want to sound like a hippocrit but would also not recommend abortion to anyone. I just wanted to chat with you and good luck with your search.
*(WTF?)

(12)
LOL!!! That one was great!

ThanX...

(13)
west point grad (bet you havent got that one yet)
combat vet
current ROTC instructor
lives in P****..and i dont say poop

i hope hillary slips and breaks her leg.

E
*(Includes self-taken picture of guy in mirror. Judging by what I see, I hope he realizes what everyone else knows and comes out of the closet. What a motherfucker, right? My guess is West Point Barber College. Does beating Call of Duty on his XBox count as being a combat vet? I totally believe the other stuff.)

(14)
Hello, I wish to send you greetings tonight, from the flatlands of hollywood, where I may be one of the very few log cabin republicans left. I am a gentleman who happens to love his nation as well as our commander in chief. I am a man surrounded by liberals on all sides ..it seems sometimes. I am also a confederate american & may I say, proud to be one. I am a mere shadow in the shadows of greater confederate americans...like Newt Gingrich....among others...I stand and live, as a man, who accepts the fate of our yankee run nation...knowing full well that the wheels that were set in motion long ago of the yankee war machine...cannot be easily stopped. Our beloved president, george w. bush, ...does what he knows in his heart god has instructed him to do. He is a great man...and truly believes that he has been chosen by god to bring an end to the maddness that has been ongoing in the mid east for millenia. I sometimes wonder if the arabic troublemakers will ever stop harrasing the jews. It was not so long ago that they were living in the sand in an unchanged world...for thousands of years. The finding of the dinosaur juice (OIL) changed their way of life and gave them money which is of course power. I for one dont think it is a good idea...i was meditating on this last night...and i thought....what if they didnt have any..? what if all we all had was solar power....limitless of course it is..and free, they would have nothing to fight over...but they would fight over land...they just are troubled...dont like the jews...gods chosen people..dont like hindus..catholics...christians...or anyone else... we should maybe leave it be...after all I think..it isnt our concern...but i do stand behind my president 100%...our president right or wrong...trust in god and all will be well. the phillistines are now called the palistine people....we know about them from the bible. I go forward with my life....glorifying our commander and knowing he is doing gods will. I wonder about john mccain....how will he be? i said to my best friend..who taught me about the goodness in republicans...maybe george sr. can come back...he will run for president again...since he CAN legally..only having 1 term so far..and W can run for vice president..then we can have a bush dynasty...followed by jeb, and then maybe the twins...if they aspire.. well they have a lot of growing up to do yet..:) I sometimes I am mistaken for a liberal by bush supporters out at rallys..because they think i am a hippie or some such jazz..i have to gently let them know i am on their side....things have changed...politically...lincoln was a republican...my grandfather was as well...but the party shifted gears in there somewhere...we know that the liberals have a lot to learn. I wave the rebel flag...and know that if any fool thinks its a racist symbol they truly need a history lesson. freedom.....freedom from oppression by a very aggressive yankee govermnent bent on destroying our agrarian way of life...we shall always be free...let us stand tall and wave the rebel flag. your friend, f***

*(Includes pic that is as strange as the email. It's a dazed-looking 50s guy in a Hawaiian shirt with a big mustache and long-ass hair. The man can leave the war, but the war can't leave the man--know what I mean? Anymore ellipses and I'd think I was trying to read fucking Braille.)

(15)
Hello there well I would be interested in chatting or maybe meeting up sometime. I am a very easy going person but also someone fun to hang out with. If you would be interested then give me an email back and we can go from there. N***
*(Includes two tool pics of tool guy. Obviously didn't read the fucking ad.)

(16)
We have a lot in common. Here's my picture from last
Halloween. I dressed as my favorite fascist. I hope to
hear back from you.
*(Includes pic of Hitler.)

(17)
Where are all the girls like you in this freek'n town ???? I'm with you all the way.....although not a ivy league.

(18)
I loved your CL ad. I read the ad's for amusement when I'm bored and have come accross at least 3 that said something like "if you are a conservative, i'm not interested". Of course, I sent a message to those idiots and gave them a piece of my mind.

I too am a staunch Republican of the Reagan variety. Some of my favorite people......
> Ronald Reagan.....seriously, he makes Clinton look like the whiney ass little punk he is.
> Tom Tancredo
> Al Rantel
etc....

It's tough being a Republican here. But it's easy when you need to debate someone because your typical lib is an idiot. Family functions are "fun" because it's me against a bunch of libs. Of course, they don't know what's going on. My brother came over on Saturday and I said, "I figured you were at the idiot convention today" and he had no clue an anti-war march was happening.

Not sure why I'm telling you this because I'm not putting my hat into the ring.

But I did want you to know that your ad rocked!

(19)
i just had to email you and find out if you're full of interesting
sarcasm or sickening literalism? if you truly are being literal, what
are you doing in California? Shouldn't you move to Texas or Louisiana
or Mississppi? I laughed at your post with cognitive dissonance in
hopes you were trying to be funny. I hope I was right.

Cheers,
K***.

(20)

Honestly Miss, yer way out in left field!
How can ya say that George (I'm pretty much on a first-name basis with him) has a "connection with God"?!
He is God's chosen, designated stand-in (no alternates were selected; nobody else qualified).
Are George and I the only two people on earth who can see that? What does it take to convince the rest of you so-called Republicans? He's already demonstrated his political genius by slashing taxes, along with all those useless pork-barrel programs (like schools, housing, healthcare, elder care, orphanages, etc.)
In their place, we've got thousands of new jobs ranging from...er...the Military... to...uh... Wal-Mart, to...well, whatever, what's it matter anyway? As long as we've got textbooks saying Darwin's a dufus and the earth was created in a week?
Who needs facts anyway? They just confuse the poor kids. At least they sure confused me. I never bothered with school, I was too busy with real life: Drivin' my Mustang, pumpin' iron, and kickin' back a with a six-pack.
Well, that's about all for now, little lady. Hope I learned ya sump'm.

(21)
That's some funny stuff. And if you are really a woman, it's even
doubly funny, because most gals ain't at all funny.

(22)
Hi,

You have the funniest post that I have ever read. I think that you are a very clever liberal.

As a true Republican, I support the idea of killing all terrorists, but the not pussy way that Bush is doing. If Regan was in office, there would be just a dark spot where the Muslims once lived.

I am 36, 6'0" tall. good looking, Jewish, and a very successful businessman.

Bob

PS I am a large Republican donor.

(23)
Anyone home tonight?

I was curious about this posting, as it sounds...well...unusual for the site, if that makes much sense.

If you don't mind quirky types (who are quite pro-life) and you are a real person, let me know... granted, you might dislike me, but such is life...

Favorite political figure? I always rather liked Teddy Roosevelt.

-- Me
The Curious

(24)
I didn't qualify based on your requirements (discrimination is very non-Republican...... ha ha!)

1) 37
2) don't drive an American car. BMW 750Li. I'm 1/2 German....what can I say?
3) I'm 6' 1-3/4"
4) didn't graduate from college but do make over $300K and have a bit stashed away. And trust me, I am not one of those guys that think they're hot shit because I have some money. I just found myself with an incredible opportunity when I was 20 and never looked back.

With all due respect, college is overrated. I interview college grads all the time (USC, University of Chicago, Penn State, Duke, etc...). Not sure what they are teaching kids these days because I am rarely impressed. And I cannot tell you how many resumes I get that go straight to the trash because the cover letter has spelling errors and poor grammar. One error and it's in the trash. It's their FRIGGIN resume.

Anyways, sorry for my rambling.

(25)
I would have to say Karl Rove would be my favorite political figure.
The man
is an utter genius, and I hope to follow in his footsteps one day. The
way
he works behind the scenes, he is the puppet master. I don't wish Karl
were
President though. If Karl was in charge, there'd be another Karl really
running the show.

God Bless America.

http://www.myspace.com/e**********

(26)
I have a New Mustang GT Convertible (Gun Metal Gray), Love Newt, am a
Banker and like to have fun. I really like your ad. I am what you are
looking for. Period. You described me exactly. Call me.

M***

310-***-****
*(Includes pic of guy that looks like Jared from Subway. Looks like he wet his pants, though it could be the lighting or angle of where the picture was taken. Besides, if he shit himself, the shit may be making it look like he peed himself too, though that may not be the case.)

(27)
CHOOSE ME FOR A DATE AND I WILL PREPARE A GOURMET DINNER WITH ONE OF THE LOOSEING (COCKS)ROOSTERS.

Over dinner Might tell you why I choose voting Republican while in a liberal Art school and what I did with making a Handmade ceramic urinal and its political intentions while I was in Art College.

I am a Ceramic sculptor
M***

below is a picture of me on break, while making sculpture in front of a audience at the Orange County Fair.
write me Back and I will send you a pic of the Sculpture I made there
*(Includes pic of scary-looking man. He's got this look on his face that says he left a huge part of himself (ie. his sanity) in some swamp in Vietnam. Wild eyes, fucked up hair. Looking at his picture is like reading something written by one of the 60s Beat writers on acid (such as Naked Lunch)).

(28)
Go away spammer.

(29)
Hey!! What are you doing in Santa Monica ?

I'm Republican, but not for much longer if they keep up the crap they are pulling. I don't like Bush's handling of the war, but I think he is being to easy on the Muslims. Hammer them. I drive a Lincoln pickup with a Rebel battle flag for my front license plate.

How is the market for the cockfighting videos? I've been to cockfights in Oklahoma when it was still legal there. What is the only State that still allows it?

Of course my favorite political figure is Ronald Reagan.

I'm 40. Sorry, but I just had to respond to your ad. Must be because I attended public school.

Super****
*(Includes pic of guy who hopes you, me, and everyone else think he's 40. He looks 55 or so. Bald, chubby...living at home with mom and dad, waiting for them to die so he can have the house to himself so he can invite girls over.)

(30)
I want mo mo mo

It's cool to see another republican on here. While we wouldn't agree on some thinks it's cool to see. I am a big supporter of the president and the war. Fave political figure Tom "The Hammer" Delay. I am actually a musician and a graphic designer and grew up with parents who owned their own business. I graduated IU with a BFA in photography. Anyway, if interested, hit m up.
*(Includes three general pics of this guy. He likes to wear black. Maybe he thinks it doesn't make him look like a fucking douche bag.)

Craigslist Experiment III: The Rebel Yell

2007-01-29T19:26:00.000-08:00

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/w4m/270458533.html

Give Me a Rebel Yell If You Want to go Out - 27

Up front, I must tell you I am a staunch Republican. I feel it is our duty as Americans to stand behind the president, no matter what. I know that President Bush knows the best way forward, and I feel he really does have a connection with God as he leads us to victory. I'm looking for someone who feels the same way.

YOU: You must be a registered Republican. Other than that, I don't have too many requirements. Obviously, you must agree with what's going on with the War Against Terrorism, but I'm not too picky when it comes to looks (though I prefer you to have above average looks, be white, between 5'9" and 6'1", under 30 and over 25 with no visible tattoos, and NO tattoos or piercings below the waistline). You drive an American vehicle, preferably a Camaro or Mustang.

You see the coolness in the Rebel Flag and believe that the whole deal about it being "racist" is a bunch of poop.

You don't use words like 'poop' in your normal conversation (haha).

You're college educated, and conservative. Yale, Harvard, or Cornell wins extra points. Unknown state colleges (ie. Western New Mexico University, Cal State Dominguez Hills, etc.) lose points.

ME: I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about a month ago because he was getting too liberal for me. He said something about abortion being okay in some circumstances, and I literally kicked him out the door. Abortion is not okay in any circumstances.

As a side note, I had an abortion at 21 years old (trust me, this is a very long story). Though it was a mistake, I don't think I would have done it if it was against the law. I hope we can get Roe vs. Wade overturned so we can point young mothers towards the CORRECT path. If I'd known what that CORRECT path was, maybe things would be different. Despite this, I still don't regret the abortion (you wouldn't understand); I just want this out on the table.

I have no kids, so I work a lot. I'm a partner in a business that specializes in distributing videos of cockfighting. Though cockfighting is illegal in 49 states, it is legal to distribute the videos. We took the opportunity and turned it into a very rapidly growing business. Once you've seen a cockfight, watching any other sport is like watching paint dry, which is why I think our videos sell so well. If PETA gave cockfighting a chance, maybe they'd understand. I work almost seven days a week dealing with distributors, film crews, editors, printers, lawyers, legislators and the list goes on and on. You may think I'll be too busy for you, but I feel life is best when you can do everything you want at the same time.

Email me with your pic, your favorite political figure (so I can make sure you're a REAL Republican), and something funny.

The Craigslist Experiment II: The Responses

2007-01-27T22:31:00.001-08:00

I got 63 responses. As mentioned, here are my rules that I will follow:
- I will not post personal information (names, employer, phone numbers)
- I will not post Myspace addresses or personal contact info
- I will not post pictures, but will describe them. If you want to request a picture, I will post it.

(1)
Well I am not a dumb person therefore I guess I am real. However it was Voltaire who said "The secret of being a bore is to tell everything". With that in mind I will keep this email short in an effort to simply titilate you into responding in hopes of more information. I am 6'1", 200 pl, black hair, hazel eye, well educated.

~J
*(Mr. Original included a picture of a rose.)

(2)
Hello,

I just read your ad, and I am not sure if you will get this, but I hope you do. You sound very mature, interesting, easy going, fun, and you seem relaxed. I definitely would love to get to know more about you.

As far as me, I am 34 y.o. am 6'0" tall, 180#, Brown eyes and Black Hair. I just finished Graduate school, and I am looking for someone nice to get to know and spend some time with. I love the beach, the outdoors, Hiking, watching movies, music, evenings at home, etc... I am including a couple of pictures of me in this Email, but if you would like more, please let me know. It would be nice to see a picture of you as well if you choose to reply.

If you are interested, you could Instant Message me on Yahoo or AIM under n*******.

Have a nice day,
M****

*(Includes 3 pictures. In one he's sitting in a chair, but in the two others he has to show he's active: one on a ski lift, and one on a jet ski. But in all three he's sitting.)

(3)
can i see pics of you i'm reallly sorry you got hurt i'm very sweet guy here i'm joe

(4)
hello im kevin dont want to get hurt again either but that was a pretty hard act to follow im 35 6'2" tall white christian single fun easy going educated professional green eyes dark hair not too religious very spiritual and love a woman who has a good head on her shoulders reply 9if you like the pic because you sound like a very genuine person
*(Includes self-taken picture of a guy with a strange fuckin face. He looks like he has tennis balls in his cheeks.)

(5)
You seem pretty easy going, and nice and I would love
to talk to you and get to know you a little better off
line. As for me Im 24 years old from Hollywood, CA.
Im a senior in college majoring in Social Work, and I
own a cell phone store currently keeping myself busy
with that. Im 5-11, brown hair, green eyes, no
piercings, and 2 tattoos. I would like to talk to
you, so let me know if you would like to talk or NOT.
Hope to hear from you soon...

David

(6)
darling,

i'll break a window for you anytime.

i'm 23 (but very mature for my age), a quirky intellectual type,
musician and aspiring counselor or therapist of some type. very
good listener and very caring and thoughtful.
i also have a mischievious side. i'm in recovery (a bit over a
year) and i used to party quite a bit. so ive been around, ill just
say that. reformed now, and moved out to west l.a., i want to find
someone to love me, care about me, and hold me closely. in return,
i will care for you, love you, and hold you closely.

yours,

j*****

=
Disabled Motivational Keynote Speaker
Quad-amputee D**** D****, motivational keynote speaker for
corporations, organizations and churches, tells his story and empowers others
toward positive change.
*(Includes two pictures of a dude who hopes he looks trendy. "Look at me! I'm so hip, I don't have to smile. My black thick-framed glasses make me look like the shit. Someone pay attention to me!"

(7)
Hi dear,
Its hard to find someone that you realy like from internet and in this
town.It is completely different then meeting people outside for
sure,but I
guess its worth to try,isnt it?
I have my own business and a store,I import and sell oriental handmade
stuff
from overseas and I work hard and seven days a week but I m my own boss
so I
know when I can have fun and whenever I want.I m in my mid 30's but I
dont
show my age.I m 5'6 and slim 125 lb,never been married no kids,I broke
up a
ltr a year ago and I dont have much hope to find someone that I can be
rest
of my life from CL but its always good to try and one more friends wont
hurt
anytime,everthing starts with friendship isnt it.Lets have some fun at
the
beginning and go from there.Lets get to know eachother.I m very shy at
first,but opens up quickly.
I have a good education,I have a master degree on psychology but I do a
different occupation as I said before.So,I m very smart and intelligent
I
will screw your brain before I go into your pants:)As you can see I
have a
sarcastic side too.
I do smoke and trying to quit but I dont use any drugs.Thats my only
habit,trying to quit.
If you want to talk over the phone and feel comfortable please give me
your
number I will call you for sure .I would love to take you out and get
to
know you more,would you like to have coffee with me sometimes soon.I
live
alone in my one bedroom apt in west hollywood,I have 4 cars so I can
pick
you up no problem,We can meet either here or in your area where ever in
LA
you are living.Please send pic or myspace link,here is mine.
Hope to hear from you soon
A******
PS:http://www.myspace.com/c*******

(8)
I find that you are a very sincere down girl. I think we would get along great. Before I go any further and give you my link to myspace and pics and all, are you cool with vegetarian men? Asfar as me I'm 29, 5'11 160 lbs, I'm a gourmet vegan chef and I practice energy work and other forms of alternative healing. No I'm not a hippie :). So when I hear back from you we'll go from there.

A*****

Do as thou Highest Will is the Law.
Love is the Law, Love under Will

(9)
Hi,

I just saw your ad and you do intrigue me...I am an older man, 40, 6-4
205,
fit, fun, and adventurous, live very positively, enjoy many activities,
including the arts, films, music, the outdoors, traveling, fine dining,
and
love to think about the special person in my life...I am a single,
classy
gentleman, no drama, emotionally available and looking for a possible
LTR,
but would like to start out friends first..I keep myself very busy
with all
sorts of fun activities and would like to share them with a cool, laid
back
and fun friend...I have a degree in Communications, and work in Project
Management...and model on the side when I get a chance...Here is a
photo...If you would like to know more, let me know...Have a Great Day
! :)

M***
*(Includes pic of a dude lounging about in a red lounge chair. He's got chubby legs. I'd have chosen a different picture if I were trying to get a woman.)

(10)
I don't know whether or not to take you seriously. Every so often I come to CL to see who might be out there. If you are serious about your ex, I'm sorry. It's a bit funny, but I'm sorry.

What caught my eye more than anything was you mentioned Man Bites Dog. That Is one of my favorite movies! No one, and I mean no one, I ask has even heard of it. Any how, I guess based on that alone is what inspired me to write you.

Me: I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm looking for because I, like you, just got out of a LTR, (about nine months ago). I guess more than anything I just want good company. I'm a professional fighter but that doesn't quiet pay the bills so I supplement my income with bartending. Im also a college grad. (Eng Lit.) to be exact, but am now back in school to get my teaching credential. (don't bother mentioning all the grammatical mistakes, I assure you I'm aware and don't care) I'm not too into writing to much about mysef. It makes me feel like I'm being interviewed. If you wanna know anything more about me you can check out my profile www.myspace.com/thefredcore yeah I got sucked into the whole myspace crap. Hopefully I'll hear from you

Cheers,

F****
*(Includes pic of this fighter/bartender/putz looking introspectively into the camera. Squinting because the sun's too bright, stupid because he's probably about to get the snot beat out of him.)

(11)
I am all man haha I have lot's of pics of me when I was a little BOY my mom is a phatogragher yeah I know that's spelled wrong.I'm an Artist I paint I also Cook went to school for it.

*(Come on...This guy's a fucking loser. Looked at the way this motherfucker spelled 'photographer?' Jesus. No wonder he's single.)

(12)
Wow, what an amazing story you told. Considering what you just went thru, I’ll email you my baby pictures and dental records if you like. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what I want in a relationship at the moment. Friends more than anything else, partially because I work crazy hours and don’t feel I have time to invest in a real relationship. Maybe I have just not been in one worth investing in who knows. I’m catholic and do attend church and all that jazz. Same note outside of just mentioning will probably never bring religion up again. It’s a personal thing. I do enjoy going out and drinking, dancing, traveling. I’m quite active. I do enjoy writing and reading quite often. I am very close too my family, 1 brother, 1 sister and parents still married. Ask, me anything!

A****
*(Includes pic of Mr. Tough Guy, hands in his pocket. He says to ask him anything. Question: "Why do you look like a douchebag?")

(13)
*(This email simply includes a picture of a 50ish bald man smiling stupidly into a camera. Obviously, he did this in the hopes that the object of his email would see this picture of the older gentleman and realize, "Why waste words with true love?" The next thing he'd know, it's off to Europe with his new love. France, Italy, Spain. And then a quick shot to Vegas for the nuptuals..."If only she just hits the reply button and tells me where she lives.")

(14)
WOW,
I'M NOT WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR . BUT I'M A MAN ALL OF ME. i THIUGHT I HAVE SEEN IT ALL BUT I GUESS NOT.SORRY YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT.WOW
GOOD LUCK AND GRAB EM NEXT DON'T BE SHY!!!!!!!! T****

(15)
'm a professional male living in the SFV and I'm trying to meet a female any age or race who would enjoy breast play I’M gentle non pushy male who love to suck nibble and pinch breasts and listening to those erotic sounds that women emit when they are enjoying themselves. I apologize for being so direct but I don't like playing games or wasting each others valuable time. I hope to read your reply soon. Also

Sincerely:

818-***-****
h****@hotmail.com
*(No pic, but really I have to stop and say, "Wow!" This really is a great email. Is anybody interested in contacting him to find out more?"

(16)
I feel for you... Thats gotta be rough. How long
were you guys together before you found out? I was
with my ex for 2 years and found and she cheated.
I thought we were going to get married eventually
too.. So that was pretty rough to get over. Things
well get better just meet some new people and get
on with your life..
*(Includes pic of what has to be the guy's prom picture.)

(17)
I am a male that can do all of those things.. Just want to see you in a photo at least before we have coffee...lol
*(Includes pic of guy flexing and trying to look really fucking tough. Yeah, tough guys regularly pick out an impressive outfit, stand in front of the mirror, and take their own picture with their camera phone. "Hurry! Better do it before my roommate (okay, mother) comes home or she'll laugh at me again.")

(18)
Hi

I saw your ad on Craigslist and found you to be very interesting, do you have a name? ;o)
There's something about you I just can't quite put my finger on, but I'm intrigued.

Email me back if you fancy a chat, I'm 32 and live in the UK, you seem the adventurous type, come on over to visit why don't ya!

Hope you reply soon.

Ere.

Ooooh, send a pic too if ya don't mind.

(19)
Princess its better feel that exquisite wonder than not….Wes
*(No pic, but I just have to say this guy's an idiot.)

(20)
Hi,
My name is Paul. I am 35. 6 ft 2 in tall. I have a athletic build. Height to weight proportionate. I am originally from the NYC area. I have currently been living in Brentwood for the past 2 1/2 years. I love trying new things. Interests include travel,movies,music,sports,restaurants,lounges,family,and friends. I would love to meet someone new like yourself. I hope to hear from you soon.
P***
*(Includes pic of a dude standing on a soccer field. If he's 35, I'm 15. What's height-to-weight proportional mean? If 'fat fucking asshole' falls in this class, then he's not guilty of false advertising)

(21)
Without sounding as if I am responding to the personals; 34yo 5'9 169lbs (Athletic) with clean teeth from Encino. I would describe myself as a man who is sophisticated yet down to earth, goofy yet mature, and affectionate. Class means more to me than looks. Tend to be attracted to humorous yet confident/assertive types.

I didn't know what to write to capture your interest hope this did it. Look forward to your response.

Daron

By the way...sushi yeah or nay

(22)
Im definately a man, maybe too much one at times. Im 27 and I work in santa monica, Im an architect. Im 6' athletic, green eyes. Anyways, heres a pic, Id love to see one of you and maybe we can hang out tonight or sometime.....
C****
*(Includes pic of a momma's boy-looking fella'. I'd say he kind of looks like that guy from ER. No, not George Clooney. The other guy. The mostly-bald skinny one with the glasses. You know who I'm talking about? Okay, picture him without the glasses and add on some retarded-looking facial hair.)

(23)
I'm sorry to hear about what happened. there are a lot of fucked up people out there and I am sure you will end up dating other people who will hurt you.

So, do you make t-shirt with statements that you are ideologically opposed to?

(24)
I am not the man you are looking for. I'm way to young. I'm 20. But what happened to you is inexcusable. I couldn't imagine anything worse, so my sincerest apologies, from men everywhere, as well as those trying to be.

(25)
Wanna go to the Hustler Club/Casino with me tonight?? Lets go have some fun and party our ass off…call me soon if you wanna go!!

Please check my pic and little about me below….hope you like? If so, please contact me via email or cell # below.

32 year old, now a business professional w/ an Technology/Semiconductor Co.

Ex pro beach volleyball player
6’-2’ tall
210 lbs
white w/ tan skin, green eyes

TIM
Cell
8**.***.****
T** P***
Sales Manager
Focus Accts/Lumileds Lighting Products
Future Electronics
cell 8**.***.****
fax 8**.***.****
ph 8**.***.**** x.****
email: ******
*(Includes pic of too-tan future melanoma case smiling like the uncouth unsuspecting jackass that he is. He looks like the kind of guy that would get confused and accidentally put the roofy in his own drink.)

(26)
Is this real?
*(Includes a pic of a guy who, in his efforts to look cool at a party with a beer in his hand, actually looks like a homeless drunk. He holds that Corona in his hand with the hope that it's some sort of 'Cool Wand.')

(27)
Hello, How are you?? I am 5'-9" tall with a muscular body, short brown hair, and green eyes.
I am a happy, easy going, nice, fun, honest guy, and I have a good sense of humor.
UCLA educated, work as an accountant for real estate.
Non Smoker, but I do party hard. Single - never married and no kids.
I hope that you write back to me. F****
*(I wish I could post the picture here. He forces the fakest smile I've ever seen. He looks like someone who does not have any idea how to smile, and someone said, "I'll give you 50 bucks if you smile." But he really wants that money, so he tries to fake it even though he doesn't even know how to do it. It's that kind of smile.)

(28)
Boo-hoo

(29)
...I wonder how many men read though the entire post, it was short and
to the point...

> Hey,
>
> You're profile caught my attention. I just want to make sure you're
not a 55 year old perv, and that you really are a girl? Can you verify
that please. I'm fun, outgoing, confident, tall, spiritual, animal
loving, good looking, masculine... 25 years old. So what are the most
important qualities for you in a man? What's a deal breaker for you? What is
the first thing you notice in a guy. Get back I wanna ask some more
questions...
>
> N***
>

(30)
You sound wonderful....and what you seek seems reasonable and realistic. I'm sure by now you have had a ton of responses from eligible candidate vying for your attention.....I guess the question of the day is what is it going to take to beat out the other guys.......This is a new concept for me....I tired of the bar scene...can't stand blind dates. I find this forum somewhat impersonal for you to really get a feel for who I am, but like those college essays....I'll describe myself in 500 words or less....Here goes nothing...
I'm S**, I love chocolate....photography......I'm kinda shy, until I get comfortable with someone..... I love rock and roll......I'm a lawyer (the good kind that helps people, so don't hold it against me and please don't sterotype)...I love people watching....traveling and dining out (and I don't mean fast food). I do cook, I run and people tell me that I'm generally an all around great guy... Drop me a line and lets chat...
Here is a picture for your viewing pleasure...
*(Includes grainy hard-to-see pic. It's kind of small and there's part of someone else in the pic, so I'm not 100% sure who the picture is of. Is he black? Is he white? Is he latino? Is he a dumbfuck? I can answer only one of these. The only details I can tell you is that he's wearing sunglasses and he's completely bald. If he's a lawyer, I'm a fucking brain surgeon.)

(31)
you my dear - are well on your way to becoming a best selling author!
are you saying you married a woman turned man or vice a versa?
i am sorry you were so betrayed by your betrothed-
[if they hadnt been already - that joker needed to be eunuched]
so maybe 'saving it' isnt a good idea?
really cant be too rare in LA - a metrosexual[?] bisexual gender confused
in or out tonite dear?
...i thought u meant chinese food!
i had a friend, a real scalleywag and quite crude
but funnier than sh- uh ya know- it...
S**** is not w/ us anymore - but when he was living in oceanside
its frankly alwsays had a certain flavor - being a dirtbag military town -
anyways S***** had picked up a hooker for a 20$ bj...and as he was recieving the favor he reached under the skirt - wrong kind
said after that first thing once in the truck - was
first do the grab test
listen my little signmaker
'the end is near repent' and lend me your ear,
dont be afraid of being hurt
if you want to be loved and to love
the measure will be and always was
how much it will hurt when its gone
even the thing you love the most
your life
so live long and if your smart
you will grab it by the balls
and get what you want ! [gently please]
and you are so young i dont give me much chance
but i can give you a hell of a ride and even dance
but days of drunken nites day after day
work and party hard -though i can hold my own
is not the best strategy for love-or even gettin laid
Q-whats the diff between a pig and a drunk
A - a pig wont stay up all night trying to fuck a drunk
pardon the vulgarity, goes w/ spontanaity
be brave young lass your going to get bombed
with hate mail from crucify you-
you really should remove your post- as youve apparently identified yourself
fuck em if they cant take a joke
j.
*(Includes pic of a schmuck (who is most likely not the one who wrote the email) standing next to the ocean looking into the camera with a smug look that says, "Hey, some dipshit's going to use my picture so other people will think I'm him.")

(32)
Hi, sorry about what happened to you in your weeding night. i'm 31 single and looking for a sweet girl to love and care for. I had my share of bad things too, like we all do, but they only make you stronger and hopefully you'll know better next time. I would like to meet you.. i'm very honest,romantic very family oriented and just hoping to find love and that special someone who'll mean the world to me. Hope to hear from you soon.
*(Includes self-taken picture of a guy laying on a couch. Looks lonely. Hopes the person that wrote the CL ad will join him. He'll stay lonely. Poor thing.)

(33)
Paolo
35
5.10
*(Includes pic of guy whose eyes seem to positively bulge right out of his head.)

(34)
Hi there,

I found your ad on Craig's, and I was pretty intrigued
by your story. I'm a musician, got a regular job, and
still don't feel very adult. I am 39, no hiding. I'm
attaching a pic, but you can also find a bit more at
www.myspace.com/***** if you're so inclined. I
love to cook, like to make beer, I have a turkey deep
frier, a cool car for roadtrips, and I love animals.
What else? Been male my whole life, and can absolutely
prove it. I am not so into the classics, I have to
admit a love for cheesy sci-fi, and fantasy books and
movies, but hey, it can't all be simpatico. I like
dive bars, and live music. Ok, enough rambling. Check
me out, and see if you're interested.

Cheers,
R**
*(Includes pic of this guy who hopes you'll be surprised to learn he's 39. Bleached some--but not all--of his hair. Has to look hip, so I think he's aiming for a Rod Stewart/Mick Jagger cool older musician look. Of course, this guy is neither. He's a loser. And his music most probably sucks.)

(35)
I liked your CL ad. Seems like we have a thing or two
in common. Perhaps we share more common interests and
goals. I’d like to get to know you better. Here's a
bit about me.

My philosophy is that I believe you only get one
chance in life. In order to live life to its fullest,
you must take chances and risks. I don't want to ever
have to say " I should
have done this or done that". NO REGRETS !!!!!!!!!!

I am a professional male working in the field of
finance for a defense contractor company. I am a
career and goal-oriented type of person. I can easily
carry on a conversation, from topics that range from
politics like the state budget crisis, the democratic
controlled assembly, illegal immigration and its
effect on the economy, and the Israeli and Palestinian
conflict.... to the humorous side of things, like
individuals with high IQs that cannot perform home
repair or mow the lawn……but I’m getting better. My
hobbies include tennis, working out at the gym,
movies, travel, weekend trips to vegas, cooking,
skiing, and walks on the beach with the sun setting.
However, I know that relationships involve work,
compromise, and attraction. I also believe that
physical attraction is important to a degree. Case in
point: that tv show average JOE. The girl picks the
good looking guy with an average personality and low
income over the average looking person with a great
personality and lots of money. I still believe in
romance, but sometimes you have to look at reality.

Here's my pic. If any part of you gets a tingly
feeling.........not the feeling you get when you have
to go to the bathroom.....then write back and let me
know!

T****

*(Includes pic of skinny, hopeful Asian dude. "Me so horny!" he says. That tingly feeling he's talking about must be nausea.)

(36)
Please let me know if you have any free time so we
could meet
Mike 27 WLA

(37)
She must be decent, trustworthy, truthfull, honest, and God fearing lady if you possess these quanlity i mention. Then lets get to know each other better. Hope to hear from you soon.Till then Have a nice day.
John.

(38)
I have to admit I laughed at your situation but not at your pain. I
was in a relationship that was unhealthy, I was on the receiving end of
a very emotionally abusive woman.

Anyway, both relationships are over and hopefully we're both wiser! I
don't have any photos handy of my childhood but I can assure you that I
was never in a dress. I can give you my mother's phone number in
Atlanta for a character reference -if you're interested.

As far as quoting the great writers I've always been partial to John
Donne's meditations, my favorite quote is probably from #17: "No man is
an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a
part of the main."

I don't get violent so don't expect broken windows, showing affection
can come in so many ways but none greater than time. My time is
precious but empty now, care to help fill the void?

So you're a good cook? I consider myself a bit of a gourmand, having
French blood I can whip up very tasty dishes and drink most people
under the table. I'm not an alcoholic, my tastes are too refined, I'd
probably go broke in a few days if I were.

If I may ask about your business, how did you get started in such a
niche? You say you aren't very religious so I find it a bit odd that
you would have such a company. I'm religious in that I go to church
(Anglican) most every Sunday but I'm NOT an evangelist.

Well I hope you've read this far and are still (sic) reading. I'll
write a bit about the superficial stuff: I'm 6'00", brown hair,
blue/green eyes, and 190lbs. I am employed, I've never been married,
I'm genetically male (X and Y chromosomes present) and I'd like to say
I have a reasonable command of the English language. I live in
G**** near ****** Park though I'm originally from Georgia. I've
lived in Europe and Asia and traveled to over fifty countries and I
plan on traveling for the rest of my life.

I won't bore you with more details unless you're interested....

D****
*(Includes a picture.)

(39)
Not to be rude or anything like that, but here's one of your quotes

" I'll respect your beliefs as long as you keep them to yourself. "

Maybe if you heard what your so called husband was all about you might have gotten a clue ? Dunno maybe it's just me, but a mans beliefs are the corner stone of who he is.
Good luck in your search..

(40)
It is all part of growing up. You have take it like a man or a woman.
Good
luck.

Darren.

(41)
dig a hole....halleljua
*(Can anyone tell me what the hell this means?)

(42)
Hi,
Here is what I posted over in the M4W section a couple of days ago......................

My name is Mark. 43 SWM , 6'1, 210, brown hair, blue eyes. STD, smoke& drug free. Maybee a beer or two...a month.

I love the beach, travel, outdoor stuff, indoor stuff, music[ I have and can play the drums!], my cars, my friends and family and ....Trader Joes to list a few!

I am healthy,have a job/career,hobbies,have transpotation, am reliable, a good listener, playful, very respectful, love to have fun!

What I am looking for is a Girl who is also REAL, has a job or in school, tranportation, healthy, smart, loveable,pretty.

What I ultimately need is someone to love , touch, hold and confide in and spend some serious time with!

I do not have any baggage,kids or ex's to get in the way.

I have a myspace page..

http://www.myspace.com/s****

Hope to hear from you soon!
*(Includes pics that had to be taken about ten years ago. Even then, the guy looks old. He's dressed total grunge with a 90s haircut.)

(43)
Your CraigsList posting (http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/w4m/268446696.html) had so many strange parts it made me wonder if you were for real. I enjoy reading the postings several times a week and yours stood out among hundreds of entries I've read.

Surely not very many people have discovered their new spouse had gender reassignment surgery on their wedding night.

Most girls probably don't like their boyfriends to drive drunk at their instigation.

An internet search reveals no companies called "Christian Belief Apparel" and certainly none run by someone who is herself not religious. If such a company did exist, you'd reveal your identity and jeopardize your business by posting about it in a public forum.

Perhaps a clue comes from your mention of "Man Bites Dog," a relatively obscure, violent mocumentary about a serial killer who casts an unusual spell over a film crew working to profile him.

Yet obviously someone posted this for some reason. Could it possibly be a sincere attempt to find a kindred spirit? If you are for real, you are in a class by yourself.

-B
*(Hmmm...A class by myself?)

(44)
35 year old here. I'm very passionate about anything and everything I do. I enjoy laughing and making others laugh. I'm also very active and love being out in nature. Photography is one of my greatest passions but music is my soul.

I'm 5' 7", 147lbs dark brown hair, brown eyes, naturally tan, tone, athletic, part french/asian

Lets meet up and take it from there

AIM: *****
YAHOO: ******
*(Includes pic of schmucky French/Asian guy. French/Asian...What the hell? Why doesn't he just say, "Vietnamese" and be honest with himself?)

Hello!

(45)
My name is George, a 38 year old man with 3 children (1 daughter [15], and 2 boys [6 and 5]). I was born in Lynwood, CA and raised all over Los Angeles. All of my children live elsewhere, as I am on my own, trying to start a new life. I work as an administrator (Student Services Coordinator) for a vocational college with the determination to complete my bachelor's degree in business administration, as well as utilize this degree for self-promotion. I have 15+ years experience of the military. I have been to so many places and have done so many things, that I honestly use my experience to grow as a person and in life, personally, as well as to assist others. I have also been through a great amount of adversity and tragedy, that I use them to help others from going in that same direction and/or assisting them when they do. That is why I love what I do. I am a people person, and love to meet new friends, and stay friends. I take the friendship thing very seriously. As I have been to 38 countries and all but 5 of the United States, I have seen all walks of life, and the fascination of new things is what I like. I also like to read, write, share as much time with my children as possible, and enjoy life! My children mean a great deal to me and my success is for them, as well as depends on their 100% support. I have no other support other than work, as my own family hates on my success. They are always trying to keep up with the Jones’; however, I am just trying to be “me”. I enjoy movies and sports. My favorite movies are: The Warriors, Brian’s Song (original), It’s a Wonderful Life, and Something for Joey. My favorite teams are the Dodgers, Lakers, Kings, Raiders, and anything from UCLA! I am not one for head games or causing drama, but as hard as this is, I am a really good person, that has just met the wrong person(s). I guess you can describe me as one who can adapt to anyone and their respective personality. I am a very open-minded, honest, romantic, and generous person that loves to show a woman how to be treated, but not just for any reason. I don't do things for anything in return, but when I get the reward or recognition, then so be it. I am 5'10", 148 pounds. I have black hair with brown eyes, although I am older than most people think, they tend to tell me I look younger than my appearance. I was brought up old-fashioned and I love to show a woman respect. I was taught to always treat a woman right and she will show you the same, versus if showing her a bad time will only cost me twice the damage. I love all things in life, but the little things matter. I do not dwell on the dumb stuff, as drama is for the weak or ignorant.

C*****@hotmail.com
*(Includes pic of this long-email-sending motherfucker. Looks like Carl from Slingblade. "You got any biscuits in there? How 'bout some of them French Fried potaters?"

(46)
My name is D**. I am a single 36 year old Italian male from N*****. I'm looking to meet friends and hopefully meet "Miss Right". I work all week long and like to have fun on the weekends. I enjoy going dirt bike riding, snowboarding, taking my boat to the lake, wakeboarding and fishing. I am looking for someone to share these adventures with me. I do not like to argue nor do I like drama at all. I want to enjoy life. If this sounds like you, please feel free to e-mail me back.

(47)
Hi,

You never mentioned your name, but I understand you. What happend to you is not even funny or joke. I completely understand that.

My name is S****, I am 35 Years old, a Design Engineer, also upgrading my studies in computers at ****.

I am dark, tall, well read, love to hike, run, tennis, soccer, play at the beach and I love riding my Motor cycle.

Let me know if you are interested in an Indian. we will go from there.

Hope to hear from you

S****

*(Follows up with email that says, "I will attach a picture if you are interested in an Indian from India.")

(48)
Wow...talk about keeping a secret from a loved one....I'm sorry to hear that such a wonderful night turned out so wrong for you. We can get 2 things straight right now up front: 1-I'm a man, never a doubt about that:) 2-I'm not religious, so you'll never have to worry about that either. I don't know if I can still outdrink a room full of people, I probably could about 8 months ago, but I've been working out to better my health now, so I don't binge drink like I used to:) (don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a drink or 2, but just don't overdo it now)
Road trips....sheeuuuttt....I've driven cross country almost half a dozen times, and even drove from delaware to alaska once:)
So you're a partier and a hang around the house chick...very cool. gotta love someone that can do both...never seen man bites dog, is it any good? I'm gonna watch curse of the golden flower later this week, and I'm trying to get ahold of the queen, b/c I heard its really good.

I'm taking you seriously, otherwise I wouldn't have written. And I completely understand wanting to know that a person wants to be with you by the way they act or the things they do...but how about we get to know each other first before jumping into the super seriousness:) I hope to hear from you and if nothing else meet a new friend:)
*(Includes pic of Mr. Serious-Looking. His face says, "I'm tough, don't fuck with me." His eyes say, "Waaaa!")

(49)
And I'm sorry that you had to live through it. Seriously. I can only imagine what convolutions your head and heart were put through. As Yeats might have put it: Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. You were stomped! And it sucks that there are people out there who put themselves so far above (?) ahead (?) of others. Bastard(ess)!

Oh, I'm S****. From Ireland originally. Live here in LA now. Male since birth. Can -- and do -- outdrink anyone but practising restraint at the moment while training for the LA Marathon in March. I'm 38 (but you wouldn't guess it), 5'8", slim, in shape runner's body. Blue eyes. Brown hair. Yale educated (but, again, you wouldn't guess it!). Run a little business with my brother. But spending most of my time building my own house in *******.

I'm looking for an easy-going woman who's wants to get serious. But has no pre-concieved timeline or checklist. Not that I have anything against doing this or that. I just don't want to be someone's milestone or checkmark. Let's figure things out together. And go where we go.

Here's a rather strange picture of me.

Hope to hear from you.

*****
*(Includes not-so-strange picture.)

(50)
This is a one in a thousand thing. If I knew someone who could outdrink a roomful of people, that's the last I'd see of her. If I were a woman that's the last I'd see of him. A drinker who can outdrink the crowd is a potential alcoholic if not a current alcoholic. And if I were a woman and a guy punched out a window to show me his love, I'd be saying bye-bye. I'd be thinking, what else is he good at punching out?

Someone more grounded in reality, more nosey, less idealistic, would have picked up on a potential spouse not being 100 percent right. You didn't want to know or you would have found out early. If I have any advice, I'd say get grounded in reality. Don't get bamboozled with words. Follow your gut feeling, even if it is chilling. Get in touch with your gut. Doing so in this instance would have saved you grief.

I have a lot of lofty ideals, and I live my life by them. I quit a profession when I thought it did more good than harm, although I was making good money at it.

But I look straight at the person and ask myself what that person is like, really, inside. I have a friend whom I have known over 30 years. I trust her. I have no interest in marrying her. She trusts me. That didn't just happen. I choose friends for what they really are, and some of the things I see I don't like, but on balance they get a passing grade and I continue to keep them as my friends. It is based on my looking at the people I meet for what they are, not what I want them to be.

Enough lecture for today. Have a good life. Learn from this experience, but it looks as if you were about to go off on another path equally disastrous.

(51)
Hello there!
I am responding to your craigslist ad...
little information about myself:
I am 6'2" slim, athletic and was born and raised in M*****.
I work for IBM, and I am currently involved in designing Bauhaus style homes, incorporating all available renewable energies....
I was in Budapest and Zurich this summer, and I would love to share my experiences there.
Please do tell me more about yourself. I want to know everything there is to know, (without of course revealing all of your cards).

what are your interests? what are you currently involved in, career wise?
what are favorites in art, literature, music, film, philosophy, etc.?
Please do let me know if you are familiar with any of these iconoclasts/items/themes/etc., listed below, and what, if anything, they all possess of?: Arthur Janov:"Primal Scream", Joseph Murphy: "Power of the Subconcious," Philip Roth, Updike, Kurt Vonnegut, Terry Gilliam, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Beckett, Kafka, Pinter, Woody Allen, My Dinner with Andre, Monty Python, Kubrick, Carol Reeds, Orsen Wells, Tati, City of Lost Children, The 400 Blows, 8 1/2, Philip Glass, Koyaanisqatsi, Kurt Cobain, Camus, Huxley, Frank Lloyd Wright, Lennon, shamanism, primitiveness-reductionism, Nikola Tesla, nanotechnology, Schnaubel, Jarmusch, Holistic Health, Auric Healing, yoga, TM, David Icke, and Neo Rauch?
(The list goes on and on).
There is so much to say yet not enough space in this here little four sided box.

and so it goes........
I look forward to hearing from you.
warmly and affectionately yours
****
ps
attached is my picture
*(Includes rather plain, drap pic of unsmiling guy.)

(52)
Hello,

My name is Jeremiah and I just wanted to introduce myself. I am spanish and mexican and I have a solid career going for me in marketing if you want to get to know me you can call me or email.

*(Includes pic and phone number. This fat-body wears a mostly-yellow soccer jersey. He looks like a huge banana that isn't quite ripe yet. Solid career in marketing = sells knives door-to-door.)

(53)
hi
i am 26 from La i just saw ur add on the craigslist website...if u want go to my myspace account and look at my pics and hit me up if u are interested

www.myspace.com/d****

thanks
mj

(54)
i am 36 and i m french live in la since 2 years i own my own company
wine
distributor ...................can you send me a pic ........my name
is
r***

*(Includes pretentious black and white 'arthouse' pic of guy in a baseball cap looking pretentious.)

(55)
Hi there, I was browsing through the ads and i came
across yours You seem like a sweet young woman, This
is about me My name is B****. I am
29 years old.I am very sweet,caring,honest,and have
asense of humor.My hobbies are going to movies,going
to the beach,romantic dinners,going to baseball
games,and cuddling. I am looking for someone that is
sweet,caring,and honest.Thanks for taking your time
into
reading my message have a great day and I hope to hear

from you soon. B****
*(Includes four very strange pictures of a very strange-looking man. He seems to be a cat-person (he got the love for the pussy!) because he's holding and playing with cats in two of the pics. In one of them, he sits, and another he stands next to another strange-looking guy. Our friend here looks dangerously thin.)

(56)
I am very very very ...
VERY
sorry.
that being said
email me your picture
here's mine (5 years old, sorry, email for more recent
... I look the same)
I do
and that is the truth
I cannot believe this happened to you ... in this
weird city (I'm from a small midwestern college town)
anything is possible
still, it sounds like a 'not so creative'
screenwriter's attempt at comedy
or rather
TRAGEDY
I'm so sorry
give me a chance, I am NOT your typical man
I teach high school ceramics
I am 38
I am single never married no kids yet (but warning
want 'em really really bad - not to scare you off!)
Pete
*(Includes a pic that's got to be fifteen to 20 years old if this guy really is 38. I'm sure every 38 year old hopes they look the same forever, but this guy's completely delusional. "Oh, I'll send her my highschool yearbook picture. She'll have no idea.")

(57)
Dear I don't want to get hurt again,

I like to read C's list personal ads just for the priceless entertainment value while I'm high on marijuana. And after reading several of them tonight, I've concluded that you are the most fucked up person on this thing. Shame on you.

Your friend.

(58)
Hi Dear

I cannot tell how much I enjoy reading your profile on Craiglist , I
am
sending you a picture , I am 5.8 & 36 years old , Indian Origin , but
have
been here almost 10 years , I am very compassionate , fun loving and
intellectual person , I love to talk and make friends from all
ethnicities ,
I love to to meet at starbucks or for lunch. If you wanna talk you can
call
me at ***-***-****.
I am sending you my picture

Love to see you

I**** K****
*(Includes three pictures of dour dude. But hey, props to the guy that loves to talk and make friends from all ethnicities! I love me my multi-ethnic friends with our multi-ethnic meetings at Starbucks!)

(59)
do u have pics

(60)
Hey, its A****. I am currently finishing my grad
degree from ****. Before pursuing my Masters
Degree I was working with ***. I live in P*****. I
am 23, 6`0, funny and a straight shooter. I like to
work out and be outdoors when possible :)

I have attached 3 pictures with my email. I realize
that I don`t look 23 and I take that as a compliment.
Kindly let me know if you are interested.

Thank You.
*(Includes three self-taken pictures of a guy who must think he looks much younger than 23, when in actuality he looks much older than 23. Go fig.)

That's it. That's everything. Let me know what you think. Soon I'll have a new one up, too, so check back later.

The Craigslist Experiment II: The Personal Ad

2007-01-25T17:12:00.000-08:00

I posted this post on Craigslist this afternoon. Enjoy.

I Don't Want to Get Hurt Again - (27)

I just got out of a very serious relationship, and am looking to start the healing process. I was recently married, but on our wedding night, my ex admitted he had had sex reassignment surgery (he'd wanted to stay chaste until we were married, so I didn't find out earlier). Though it almost sounds funny (and would be if it had happened to someone else), it's been hard to get over. Obviously, we had an annulment, but I'm looking to start fresh.

YOU: Are a man. I hope you can prove this early on by letting me talk to your parents or childhood friends. Maybe I can see pics of you growing up as a boy, and not wearing a dress. You enjoy taking road trips, looking at art, and appreciating the English language. You are hopefully college educated, but I might still be interested if you're not. Can you quote any of the great writers?

You have the ability to out-drink a roomful of people, but then be able to clean yourself up quickly and drive us somewhere (I'm pretty spontaneous). Things are two times more fun when you can share them, and ten times more fun when you've shared a drink first.

I like a man who will do things to show me he cares. If you break a window with your bare hand to do this, it's excessive but I'd fully appreciate and understand the gesture. I want to see and feel a man's desire to be with me.

ME: I'm an easy-going girl who loves to have fun. I take every moment and treat it like the special gift that it is. On that note, though I may like to party, sometimes I just want to stay in and rent some foreign films and just chill (have you seen the film Man Bites Dog?). I love to cook new things, so you must like eating lots of food.

I own my own company, Christian Belief Apparel. We make shirts, signs, and apparel for various Christian Evangelical organizations, usually for special events. Some of the biggest Christian Evangelical groups use my company exclusively for their anti-abortion shirts and picket signs. At the next Christian and/or Evangelical rally you see or go to, take note of how many people are holding non-handwritten signs, and those are all mine (there are no other companies in all of SoCal that make them).

On that note, I'm not that religious. Please don't force your faith on me. Just because I do it for a living doesn't mean I want it in my home and relationship. I'll respect your beliefs as long as you keep them to yourself.

I seriously hope you can take me seriously. I think my ex though our relationship was a joke, so now I'm looking for something solid.

I hope to hear from you (you? yes you!). Send me an email with a pic if you want the same in return.

Craigslist Experiment I: W4M

2007-01-25T08:37:00.000-08:00

This is the Women Seeking Men version of the ad I posted (see the M4W version below). See the M4W post to see the rules I made and will follow regarding responses.

There were a lot of responses: 88, to be exact. I had to take the ad down after a few hours because dudes kept emailing.

Attached to this ad was a picture of a woman's feet in platform sandals. Originally, there was another picture attached that I thought were women's feet but were men's feet. After that, I changed it to one that was obviously a woman's set of feet. Some of the earlier responses were pointing out the sheer size of the feet, and this is why.

The ad is very similar to the M4W:

Guilty of Love! - (27)

And guilty of manslaughter. I want to say up front that a jury found me guilty of involuntary manslaughter. I was driving on an icy road in a couple of years ago; my car slid off the road and down an embankment. At the bottom of the hill was a retirement home. My car hit a gurney being loaded onto an ambulance on its way to the hospital. The person on the gurney was already experiencing a major stroke and was at death's door, but since my car hit them I was at fault. Such is my luck. I feel I'm truly a victim of circumstances.

I really am a wonderful person, and am not afraid to say so. After my public service and jailtime, I feel I'm an even better person and I'm ready to get on with my life.

YOU: You must like all things French. I'm a total Francophile. I totally love any movie with Gérard Depardieu. Tell me you love Green Card and we might have ourselves a match made in heaven! You should be less than 6 feet tall. No exceptions. I *heart* nerds. I *heart* nonsmoking, college graduates with no children or eating disorders (haha). You love a good movie. You're not out of place in a club OR art gallery.

You're not too picky when eating, and enjoy a good meal. You are annoyed by processed foods, but can still enjoy them (like, I hate Twinkies but they taste so good!).

You're between 18 and 39 years old, and won't look like an idiot in front of my parents.

ME: I'm in sales. I started my own marketing company that sells cutout life-size Jesus Christ promotional materials, usually for retail. For instance, if a store is having a sale, they might order a couple of cutout Jesus signs that say, "I have faith that these are the lowest prices in town!" or, "What would Jesus buy?" I work really hard and come home tired each day because I put a lot into my day: meeting with clients, creating new designs, working on production issues, going to the gym, etc. We're going through an especially busy time because we're about to come out with our Ghandi line ("These prices are low enough to fight for!"). It's actually a booming business and my schedule will probably get even busier. You might think it's crazy that I'm looking for a relationship when I'm so busy, but I feel that life is best when shared with others.

I'm not really religious, and hope you aren't either. I find it a major turn-off when people I'm dating force their faith on me.

I went to college at Eastern New Mexico University, but my roots are mainly here in Southern California. I love to travel, and can go pretty much anywhere (except the state of Wyoming (arrest warrant for something I didn't do, but that's a really long story--haha)). I enjoy cooking, going to concerts, and playing the flute (no, I didn't go to band camp so don't ask--not funny).

Send me a pic, and I'll send you one in return. If you want a response from me, write me a thoughtful and intelligent response. ;)

THE RESPONSES:
(1)
Hello, How are you?? I am 5'-9" tall with a muscular body, short brown hair, and green eyes.
I am a happy, easy going, nice, fun, honest guy, and I have a good sense of humor.
UCLA educated, work as an accountant for real estate.
Non Smoker, but I do party hard. Single - never married and no kids.
I hope that you write back to me. Frank
*(includes picture of guy in dopey baseball hat with ultra-fake smile. What a douche bag.)

(2)
hello how are you
*(includes tacky photo of serious-looking dude taking his own picture in the mirror. What a doofus.)

(3)
Suffice to say me thinks we might have a few things in common, but alas I am too tired to write the cogent response your post deserves (long day at the office). So! Hang in there! The Karma Police are on their way...

Love,
MM

(4)
Those are some bigg feet....
--thanku

(5)
are you crazy ?

(6)
let it go girl....it wasn't your fault!
*(includes picture of a guy holding a motherfucking bird on his arm. Like a hawk. What a putz. Maybe it will gouge out his fucking eyeballs and skullfuck him.)

(7)
haha oh my goodness.. i have to say- truly one of my favorite postings. ever. in all of CL. your a rare gem in a world of dirt rocks.
*(includes picture of either Dane Cook, or Dane Cook lookalike)

(8)
i love all the good things in life haha 20yo guy in oc area. im pretty laid back love music and art, cause they can be found anywhere. well thats a little bit about me. how was your night?

(9)
damm you got big feet, bigger than mine

(10)
I always wondered who'd killed my relative on that
cold and icy night. It was YOU! So because of that, I
think you owe me a drink.

Dave

(11)
Too much work, but good luck with the next guy!

(12)
I'm a lawyer. Would you like to file to have your records expunged?

(13)
Wow, that's quite a sordid little past you've had. Perhaps if we get to know each other I'll tell you about mine. Yep, victim of circumstances like you. Alas, I was able to avoid jail time.
I'm just as wonderful and not afraid to say it either!
As for Gerard Depardieu; I referenced the series of expressions that he showed at the end of the film Greencard (I'm guessing you know what I'm talking about; when he's looking at Andie McDowell) in my first novel. I don't suppose I'm in love with all things French, but I've got no problems with that and would LOVE to visit the country.
I'm 35, 5'8" and here's a photo.
If you're at all interested drop me a line and I'll tell ya anything you'd like to know.

I'm Heath
Is that a photo of you in your ad???
*(Includes pic of schmucky looking guy.)

(14)
HI,

I would love to hear more from you and to get some pics of you too please.
*(Includes pictures of guy who's obviously trying to prove to himself and others that he's straight. He's topless in one standing next to a bicycle, standing next to a black sports car flexing his muscles, and standing in front of a large house in the last one.)

(15)
wow.
it'd be crazy to fall for u.
i hope someone does.
ciao.

...though i have visited France quite a few time including next June.

- A

(16)
*(This is just email of the dude's name followed by a link that says, "Check me out!" What a fucker.)

(17)
i assume u know who is le petit prince

I am 34/m/LA. I have my Master degree in Engineering. So I am kind of
busy
at work everyday. I don¡¦t have too much time to hang out and meet
girls. So
I respond to your ads. I would like to meet a woman who i can go out
with on
the weekend for nice dinner and movies first and see where we can go
from
there. I like to play golf, tennis and go skiing and surfing.

How about you? have you been to a bar in Malibu where they have beds at
the
patio overlook the ocean? I would take you there for the first date.

Do you have any messenger?
Best regard.
.._.._ _/_/
..__/
(oo).._______
(__).. )../..
||----w |
|| ||

(18)
I saw your ad and was interested in contacting you. Just moved here
from NYC to do TV production (still have my co-op back home) I go back
and forth to work, but will be mostly here from now on. I'm 39, 6'2",
slender, Black/Canadian/Irish. Work in TV/film/music, and does a lot of
arts-activities. Let me know if you have any interest. Best wishes,
-Mark

(19)
Hi, I was browsing craigslist where I came across your ad.
Well, let's see, a little about me. My name is Jon. I am 23 years old, 5'10" tall, 195 lbs, with brown hair and blue eyes. I just graduated from ************ University with a degree in Criminal Justice Administration. I just recently moved back to the Valley while I get my career started. I am working toward becoming a pilot for the United States Coast Guard. In the mean time however, I am working for my SCUBA diving shop managing one of the stores and working on our dive boat as a divemaster/deckhand. I enjoy SCUBA diving any chance i get and should hopefully start my assistant instructor training soon. I also like surfing but I need to find a break that I like out here. I am also very passionate about my car hobby. I enjoy both building them and racing them. To further facilitate this hobby, I became a judge for a national import car show series. If you want to talk more, you can reach me at this email or at my AIM sn of *****. Hope to hear from you soon,
Jon
*(included pics of himself skydiving and smiling. He looks like your run-of-the-mill jackass. His face looks like a part of the female anatomy.)

(20)
Hi

Still awake and want to chat? I am 24/M from OC. I am not a rapist or pervert I promise. I am motivated by my career and own my own business. If you want to chat, hit me up. I have a myspace link if you do... Hope to hear from you...

(21)
Well I'm from England which is close to France! And I've been there lot's (now living in SM)

Couldn't stop laughing at your post, and don't forget the Sales campaign slogan - "Jesus saves" (and you could add the post script "but the devil scored from the rebound")

Sorry to hear about you're misdemeanor - hope you're reformed now.

Funnily enough I bought the Green Card DVD last week - how do fancy living it out for real?

Bye the way if the rest of you is as sexy as your feet I'm looking forward to a full length picture.

Cheers big Ears
*(includes two pics.)

(22)
hello there
cl dont make me send u my photo
but u can see me on my profile on my space
www.myspace.com.r{}*****
ciao
daniele

(23)
I think the best french film is My life to Live have you seen it? it means a lot to me.
i seem to fit most of your criteria. i send you a photo tell me what you think?
Robert
*(includes a picture of a chubby fuck in a tuxedo)

(24)
hi there,
I liked your CL post oddly I saw a little of myself in
that ad! And you have cute feet! I'm jaosn whats your
name?.Been doing this internet thing long?

Jason

(25)
(name), 5.11, 35, italian scientist in (city)
cute, brain and sexy blue eyes
still wondering if im more a theoretical engineer or theoretically an engineer
wanna escape from the neirds of my college asap..
italian style, born and raised in Italy, in LA since 2005
my mother is a french teacher in italy, and made me love the french cousins in some way..
i think you won't look like an idiot in front of her
wanna chat?
ciao
f
http://www.myspace.com.r{}***
*(includes pic of guy that looks like it was scanned from a Sears ad)

(26)
Hi how are you doing? I hope your week went well. I like what I read,
thought I should say hi and introduce myself.

I am 33 years old stand at 5ft10 and weigh about 160. I have tanned
skin, dark eyes with long eye lashes which women die for :) and a
killer smile.

I am open, honest, and outgoing. I like to live a active life and
also spend quite time with the one I care for. Talk to you soon.

Bye,

Avi

(27)

I believe in you when winter turn to summer,
I believe in you when white turn to black,
I believe in you even though I be outnumbered.
Oh, though the earth may shake me
Oh, though my friends forsake me
Oh, even that couldn't make me go back.

Don't let me change my heart,
Keep me set apart
From all the plans they do pursue.
And I, I don't mind the pain
Don't mind the driving rain
I know I will sustain
'Cause I believe in you.

(28)
That was one of the most creative ( whether
intentionally or not ) and compelling posts on CL in a
long time...

CL used to be a spot where folks of all types
converged and formed little communities and I'm sure
that still happens, albeit in different sections (
i.e. furniture, electronics, whatever... )

The few times I've checked this out, it seemed to be
full of spam and fake ads and like anything
interesting, it's time was past.

But your posting was great and I don't mean to insult.
If it's actually true and you are whom you say, then
you've had an interesting 27 years and are probably a
very interesting ( if not slightly dangerous ) person.
But one I'd be curious to know.
If it's not true, then you're just a good writer and I
gotta give it up to ya. Those are some ass kicking
details. I'm especially fond of the occupation and
company ... rockin.

So... the question is, are you real?

If so, there's a very open, adventurous, creative,
athletic, east coast, spontaneous, grounded person
with a few stories to tell as well. Not a sugar daddy
or a wifebeater model, but I've played one on T.V.
I've been to France and understand your love...I'm
busy too as I'm a biz owner and very ambitious....
WAIT, I'm still not sure if you're real... this could
end up on some website...

Don't keep me in suspense...and have a great night...

"We have art so that we may not die of reality," said Friedrich
Nietzsche
*(includes pic of guy scowling)

(29)
Wow, that's an interesting way to start a post. That's bad luck. I cant believe they convicted you, it doesn't sound like it was even your fault. I don't know where to go from here.

Ok, I am totally into Gérard Depardieu. I work in post audio and had the opportunity to develop my liking for his movies. We got them all to transfer to DVD with surround sound. He's done stuff that I would consider porn. He's great.

Well, if you want to continue this conversation, I think we have a lot in common. Or if you want to see a picture, or want to know anything else, please let me know.

Sincerely,

Peter

(30)
Innocent-27
write me back guilty
PS: Smart pic

(31)
Good evening! How are you doing? Happy 2007! I enjoyed reading your
CL
posting and I would like to chat with you further. So bottom line,
plain
and not-so-simple to find. I am seeking a woman of integrity,
kindness,
beauty, who actually follows through and wants to be with a great guy.
I am
a very giving/loving person with deep rooted values in the areas of
family,
friendship and service to others. I am looking for a woman of
substance who
is not into games. I am genuine with a romantic, sweet and loving
soul.
Not to mention, I am intelligent, adventurous, financially and
emotionally
stable, I love to travel, I am outgoing, humorous, adventurous and fun
to be
around. I hope we can get to know one another. Check out the links
below
for more information about me. One is my MySpace link and the other is
my
company website.

J*****
http://www.myspace.com.r{}*****
*(includes pic of guy that looks like Bob Sagat)

(32)
You are crazy enough to be loveable. I have never enjoyed an ad on CL before. You certainly caught my attention and at the same time I realized that you were right up my alley as a woman I would love to meet. I am a single, engaging chap with a French Basque background. No one in my family is part of ETA that I know of - I was told to say that.

Before I get too extemporaneous I will attach some photos for your review. Alas I have none of my feet and am stuck sending you dreary face and body shots. My feet are quite nice and I should consider getting a photo shoot of them. But you beat me to the punch. Do you think Jesus would have worn Nike? He did a hell of a lot of walking.

Hope to hear back. I am already a big fan of your business.

*(includes a pic of gay-looking dude with shirt off, and one is a face shot of him looking really concerned...Perhaps he's concerned about looking really gay.)

(33)
amazing post...who confesses to manslaughter in line one? loved it. i'm
38,
well educated (masters in music and english) was an orchestral
percussionist
for a living until about 5 years ago, had a great career, now i'm a
writer/producer for t.v. but not the typical hollywood type at all!
very
open, irreverently funny, been to france, great conversation, not
religious,
but read the bible cover to cover, love what you do, hilariously
creative...i love movies, dinners (out and in), walks, reading, simple
stuff...i'm 6ft. 190, brown hair, green eyes, cute/nerdy/writer
type...here's a pic i took on my laptop, terrible quality, but it'll
give
you an idea. i'm happy in real life.
*(includes pic of a guy who looks like the mother of one of my childhood friends.)

You want more responses? I've got more. Right here (at this, you can't see me rudely grab my crotch, but you get the idea). I have oodles more responses. I've been formulating the next posts, so read these and I'll see when I post my next personal ad.

Here we go:

(34)
have you seen breathless"?
*(includes pic from guy's camera phone. Looks like an ass who takes ass pictures.)

(35)
You sound crazy I love it

(36)
Hi there,

My names George, I think your an amazing invidual with an amazing
story.
Your story is really interesting, as I am sure is your life. I like
what you
had to say, you had my attention. I am sorry about your ordeal, Im glad
things are better for you. Congratulations on the business, your quite
the
creative mind, I like that. I would love to hear more!

Where to begin,

I would like to say I have lived many lives, I am an old soul I would
guess.
I live my life to fullest, I work, I go to school, but I still have a
good
time. I love to have new experiences, the world just has so much to
offer,
which Im sure you know.

I love: to dance, surf, travel(I haven't been to far or to many places
yet),
eat, hiking, snowboard, I love all the small things that the world has
to
offer. I love nature, the ocean is soothing to my soul.

I am college student I go to 2 colleges: UCLA & PCC, my focus is film.

I am a sale assoc. for a childrens furniture company. I have a film
production company I started recently.

I am very spontaneous, and Adventurous, so be warned there is usually
never
a dull moment, ok well maybe once in awhile lol.

I would love to talk to you more, just let me know if your intrigued...

George-

(37)
I just read your craigslist ad. I was going to say
that you had nice feet, but didn't want you to think I
was a weird fetish guy or anything. But hey, it's
nice that even doing jailtime you kept up with the
maintenance. It's a pretty big turn-off when you see
a cute girl and her feet are all busted up and dry
crackly from wearing flip-flops all the time and not
taking care of them.

I'm not particularly fond of the french. Actually,
I'd rather like to be your nemesis, if you're in the
market. I spent 5 years studying french in school (4
high school, 2 semesters in college) and curse that
withered old nun for shoving it down my throat (Damn
you, Sister Augusta!). I want to start up a competing
business selling cutouts of Satan saying things like
"You can go to hell if you think you'll find a better
deal on a used car!" and some such.

I don't know about a 'thoughtful and intelligent'
response, this was more of a 'quasi-lucid 4-beer
rambling' than anything.

I'm 5'11, 33, and live in the valley. Parents like
me, I suppose. Haven't met all that many.

Still though, you do have nice feet. That's something
to be proud of :)

--M****

(38)
Now that was a funny story.

5'11, likes stories, and single. 33yo.

-j***
*(Includes two pictures of a guy that looks like both Milli and Vanilli. I swear.)

(39)
(No message. Just two photos of an alcoholic drinking out of his paper cup, and then trying to like suave instead of like the single shitface living at Mom and Dad's while denying he has a drinking problem.)

(40)
I saw your ad and thought I would write to say hi…. "HI"

Well I hope my little attempt for attention would at least draw a little smile from you, but I really doubt you would fall for such a simple tactic as that.

If this little message was not lost in the sea of responses that you've received, feel free to write back and maybe tell me a little more about yourself.

Take care

(41)
hello,
I m french, 32yrs old, and i m looking for green card, i m chef and i work a lot.

(42)
wow, huge ugly feet, what a turn off!!! are you that stupid to take a pic to think they look cute??? no wonder youre single

(43)
Your feet are simply HUGE!

(44)
Honestly: I browse craigslist often... mostly the 'talent' section, and
sometimes I find myself looking through the w4m. I suppose it's alot of
the
same stuff, I rarely respond to anyones ad, and when I do it fizzles
out in
a matter of messages. Though, once the emails carried on for a few
weeks.
The fizzling; my fault or my lack of interest? Both. I guess they sort
of
feed each other.

So, I find myself writing a stranger, unsure of the outcome... should I
put
myself all out there and tell it as it is? Or, should I give a little
and
hope it sparks interest... hmm. I guess I'll put it all out on the
table
like antique roadshow.

I was born in Norway, my father was a dentist and my mother a chimney
sweeper. The ridicule my poor mother received from being the only
female
chimney sweep in the small village of Rueslatta eventually led to our
family
coming to America.

I was a small boy at the time and was fascinated with all things green,
especially bell peppers... which led to my first job as a worker in an
ice
cream parlor. To this day I still cannot figure out how my fascination
with
green peppers led to a job in the ice cream field but it was there that
I
found myself. I soon fell in love with a flavour called 'mint chocolate
cookie' and I decided I should move to Vermont. Three months later I
had
moved, to Tennessee where I found a job as a picker on an organic farm.

Some time passed while at the farm and one day a travelling circus came
through town. For the 4 days they performed I saw 3 of their shows,
once on
Friday and two on Saturday. They packed up and moved away the following
Sunday, I thought I would never see them again but that evening the
ringmaster came calling at the farm looking for a bushel of green bell
peppers. The straw boss brought the ringmaster around to the back barn
where
I was practising my juggling with 5 bell peppers. The ringmaster was
impressed with my skill and offered me a job touring with the circus.

For the past few years my life has been on the road travelling with the
circus, but I have settled down in Los Angeles. Am I looking for fame
and
fortune? I don't know, I'm just living.

*(Wierd motherfucker included a picture of a wierd motherfucker looking like he's trying to shit his pants.)

(45)
Hello and please to meet you. I am 6'7" and 250 lbs.. I live in Los Angeles, California. I am looking for a woman that appreciates when I open the door for her. I also want a woman to enjoy life and knows what she wants. I want to find a woman that is loving, trusting, smart, caring, want a family and beautiful. Let me know what you think and if you would like to chat. I shaved my goatee off. This is the most current picture of me. Thanks

C*****
*(Includes picture of him with his arm around a woman. He has cropped out most of the woman, but you see her shoulder and arm. He looks like the type of guy that would get dumped; I assume the arm and shoulder are his ex-girlfriend.)

(46)
You seem like the female equivalent of a "bad boy"....
seriously they sent you to jail for something that was
an accident??? thats horrible!

what did you not do in Wyoming?

(47)
first, itll be quite UN-cliche for me to comment on your cute feet, but suffice to say that you might have heard the blunt end of commentery about this,Ill refrain!

allright about me I guess? Im 30 years old, a recent transplant here from Ireland ( Donegal County) and... well Ill be here for a while I guess.as for you with your little endeavor in Wyoming.... lets say i can relate ;) I cant return home.

your ad.. wow.. was really damn COOL, I dont know what else to say about it. it was clean, funny HONEST and above all to the point.

Im not the jesus freak either, in fact that stuff scares me. I know my faith, damnit, i was raised IRISH CATHOLIC for crying out loud! I myself am a carpenter ( ha ha pun on the jesus joke here) and I like it, tho I went to school here for engineering ( MIT) but I dropped out cause I got burned out. I guess I find a certain confort building things out of wood. ( insert dumb response here) I cant say Im a frenchman, but I CAN say it was brilliant when I WAS there. I cant speak french ( not yet) but can understand it well enough not to get lost in the countryside of Nice or Champagne. and no, I doubt Ill look like a retard in front of your parents.

Im 6 foot one, so yea Im tall, Im not lanky and NOT fat, Im a quite the athlete as I played rugby in school growing up in Dublin. But Im not the jet setter, and far from the workout freak. Im not a meathead ;)

I did time too - for possession of a damn pistol in my boot. whould you believe that? I didnt know that it went from a misdemeanor to a felony OVERNIGHT so yea, cause I was recently shooting it at some targets ( in my roomies back yard) I had it ..well..lets say i had it silenced so as i didnt wake the neighbours at 4 in the morning.

the feds didnt like that too much..

oh well. ( well comon man, its not like I went out to be a hitman, I was actually be UN RUDE by keeping it quiet....right?)

anyways, if that didnt scare you off then youll see Im quite the nice lad, just a rut of bad luck ( expecially women) is all.

Ill inclue a picture, but your welcome to go to my myspace profile if you wish, theres more there.

welp, cheers miss cute feet, I hope to hear from you

- M****
(p.s. you being an ex felon, is welll.. kinda sexy...)

http://www.myspace.com.r{}*****
*(Includes picture of guy who thinks he can clean up to look like Ewen McGregor, but can look totally gangsta--like Justin Timberlake. He's the belle of ball in his wife beater and backwards baseball cap.)

(48)
I fell for you the very moment I saw you... your words and FACE made my
heart stop and melt.
I know if you gave me the slightest chance, I could prove to you that
I can make you happy and feeling fulfilled... yet somehow, when I say
to you that i'm 24yrs old, you will think that i'm just some other guy
who doesn't know what he's about. Besides all that, I am still going to
say that I like you and I wish you would over look my age.
my pics: http:/.r{}***.skyblog.com
I hope to hear from you...

(49)
Hey,

I'm J****, and I'm going to be replying to your ad today. A few
things about me. I'm currently a student and have a few more years to
go for my undergrad. I'm 26 years old, and no I'm not a loser because
I'm not in grad school yet. I took a vacation to do the military deal
so I have a late start. I'm a pretty happy dude. I enjoy waking up
in the morning, and going to bed at night. I love my mom. <3

Okay, so you're probably pretty excited by now. I mean, finding
someone emotionally stable like this deserves notice, especially on
craigslist. So what's the catch? Okay. I have many tattoos. I can
conceal them, yes, but I wont, because I like them. Next, I listen to
shitty music. You may think you could grow to appreciate my music.
You won't, it sucks, next subject.

Want a fun coffee date? I'm defnitely your man.

J*****
*(includes pics of dude. One is him smiling, and another is of his tattoo-covered leg. There are so many tattoos, and the quality of the pic so shitty, I thought he was showing a peg leg--like a pirate. Alas, that would be cool and he'd win my Cool Pic of the Lot award. Instead, he wins nothing.)

(50)
Wow. I'm sorry for your misfortune. I hope all is well for you now.
Although I'm not a French-buff, any encounters and experiences i've
had with French culture has been nothing short of enlightening.
French impressionism, French food, French wine (Pioully Fuisse - and
I don't even really drink), French-Canadiens. I've always wanted to
learn how to speak French and I desperately want to go to the Lourve
this coming autumn.
Well, I may not match up well with you in your figurative Heaven but
your feet look like they came straight from mine! heh.
I am: 28 and definitely under 6' (5'5") I play music, so clubs are no
problem and I love art so museums are great too. Im kinda nerdy...I
can be a real retard sometimes! and I just quit smoking this year
cold turkey. Once in a while ill get an urge but it goes away in
seconds.
I am not: a college grad :( but I have a decent job (graphic
designer) and I love what I do and I also have a lot of hobbies that
keep me in shape mentally and physically (performing and writing
music & playing ice hockey). I am not religious and I laugh at
everything ergo not uptight and snobby. Im very loose and laid back.
Here's a pic of me:
*(includes pic of uneducated loser)

(51)
hi, you sound nice.

I am 38, 5'11" athletic, funny, spontaneous, and enjoy good music,
food, wine, movies... I am local to west la.

how are you doing today?

ric
*(Includes a pic of a guy...that looks eerily like me. Did I respond to my own ad again?)

(52)
Whats up?
My name is Chilly I like what you said. I would love
to get away from my music and find a good friend. I'm
27 and i'm a producer from Memphis. I have a deal with
Capitol records but really down to earth. Contact me
if I sound like a match. www.myspace.com/o******

(53)
hi there,

in the internet equivalent of a glance i clicked on your CL ad and was immediately swept in.
i was laughing out loud before i knew it. so, just upfront? thanks.
yours is the best ad i've read in a very long time, and really enjoyable.
it's kind of exciting, to read something with a lot of implicit communication and some well paced writing.
the realness factor benefits, in spite of the actual amount of truth. you made up that gurney thing, right?

i want to know more about you.
tell me about Wyoming? (and i was impressed with the (nested) quotes).

to be clear - yes, i loved Green Card, am a big nerd, around an inch under 6 feet, under 39, etc.
here is a CL ad I posted, in case you haven't seen it. it has extra details, and pictures too:
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/m4w.r{}*****.htm

so what DO you do for work, hmm? i assume the busy is legit. is the sales part too? whatcha hawkin?
i spend all my time nefariously dodging actual 9-5 work limits under the rubric of "grad student".
doesn't mean i have a lot of time either, but i can make room.

what do you like to cook? way before i became a fledgling mad scientist i spent a while as a baker, and as a caterer. now my culinary life seems centered around omelettes. it's an obsession i have. something to do with abnormally low cholesterol. perhaps i can polish up some french cooking skills, if we become friends.

anyway, wishing you an indulgently great sunday.

cheers,
A****

(54)
i am interested in learning more about you. my, what long toes you have! let's share some things about each other, exchange some more pics and take it from there if we are still interested....

me, single, irish/italian, 42 (i don't follow directions very well), athletic, 6' foot, 190 lbs, hazel/green, salt and pepper hair (more pepper), an entertainment executive, funny and serious, college eduated, world traveled, passionate beyond measure about things that interest me and too many interests to list....

hope to hear from you!

d***
*(Includes picture of this guy. He's Mr. Old-Guy-Suave-and-I'm-Single-Because-I-Want-to-Be-Because-I've-Gotta-Keep-The-Options-Open-I'M-SO-DEPRESSED.)

(55)
Ha. Its really too much. Slender, exposed feet, arrest warrant in
Wyoming, and jailtime for involuntary manslaughter. Am I captured in
the
heart of a Pahlaniuk novel? Plus the Jesus cut out novelty toys. Its
too
much for a drunken, almost 30-something too handle.

(56)
I'm confused.
You wrote, "you should be less than 6 feet tall."
Did you mean no less than 6 feet tall?
I'm definitely less than 6 feet but most girls want over 6 feet so I'm curious if it's a trpo or not.
OK you've intrigued me...I know you probably get a lot of emails that use "intrigued" but it's fitting.
I have to know what you "didn't" do in Wyoming.
And...if you were on an icy road and you went off an embankment then thats an accident. Unless you fell asleep or were drinking. So I'm curious about the fact you had to serve jailtime.
But I may never get a response from you if you're not at least somewhat attracted or interested in me so here's my myspace link.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=******

Even if we don't seem like a match there's always a thing called friends. I'd be interested in talking more. You seem unique, which is rare in these parts.

(57)
Hello...

Question: What's the going rate for a cardboard Jesus? I'm having a clearance sale of golden crucifix pendants and I'm looking for a cardboard Jesus to help resurrect sales. Perhaps if I can get a Jesus from which I can hang these pendants with a sign reading "Hang With Jesus!"

All that said, if you love all things French, how do you feel about Francois Truffaut and Jean Luc-Goddard? If you like either filmmaker, perhaps you'd like to join me for a double feature of "Shoot The Piano Player" and "Band of Outsiders" at The New Beverly next month(?)

About me: I'm a SWM, 40, thin, 5' 7", brown hair and eyes, no children, and politically leftist. Care to chat?

Sincerely, L*****

*(Includes picture of this funny motherfucker.)

(58)
hey what''s up
listen i'm writing a book about what led people to be online and what
point they had to get to in order for them to post an add online
i do expect honest stories and if it's get published you will be
contacted and paid
a certain percentage
so please shoot me an email with your advertisement you posted and
what your expectation and experiences were
thanks
a*****
g****@gmail.com

*(no pic included, but what a fucking douche bag, right?)

(59)
...I'm Crying.

every now and again I find a post that speaks to me. your post was the
only one this week I completely connected with. my roots are also
planted deeply in California-French/American Indian for many generations.
Your post intrigues me, and I would love to meet you at you earliest
convenience.

quick wits, street smarts, Hollywoodland native/resident, laid back,
non-LA, cleanish, no disease, no drama, no kids, no problems, dirty when
it counts, thrift stores, H&M, Peet's coffee, Stanley Kubrik, Terry
Gilliam, Thomas Pynchon, William S. Burroughs, Beck, Meg White, getting
out of town, getting out of the country, astroprojection, indoor pistol
ranges, dive bars, flop houses, opium dens, massage parlors, bowling
alleys, pitching pennies, shooting craps, Russian roulette, and long walks
on the beach, or bombing runs down the slopes.

I'm extremely adventurous and romantic, but i can also be very down to
earth, and seriously practical. i am a gentleman, and conduct myself
accordingly, and when i find a (one) good woman i like to put her on a
pedestal, and not just so i can check the label on her lingerie.

once you get to know me, you'll find i'm one of the most comfortable
and open hearted people you'll ever meet. perhaps a bit too open hearted.
unfortunately, life has taught me to keep it locked up in a
heart-shaped box (*thanks Kurt*).

i am cerebral, existential, and flexibly Zen. i write, cook, and listen
to plenty of Musak. i am a warrior poet, so i carry a pen, paper, and a
large handgun tucked down the back of my pants. it's kinda
uncomfortable to sit down and write poetry with that gun in my pants, so i just
hold it in my hand, then i can't write and hold a gun at the same time.
the world is a dark place full of evil, however, i am an optimist, and
the bright side is that i know i can shoot my way out.

i also like to do stuff, in fact, i'm really good at doing stuff, you
know, the stuff with the things and then you go to that place with
those people? i always get some kind of deal, and sometimes i get a
different kind of deal. once i leave that place i often get in that thing that
makes stuff do things, then i like to do some other stuff that starts
the whole process over again. of course you know what i mean...

...and what i mean is that the above is more philosophical and
metaphoric, than didactic or expository. i'm not a gun crazy, and i'm not a
Guru, but i'll swear on a stack of bibles that i've never in my life
visited a massage parlor, or an opium den(or at least i've never been
caught)...

Sincerly,
Kevin
*(Includes picture of tool trying to look tough and outdoorsy. He lost his shirt, probably to show off his ugly tattoo he got at Toys 'r Us.)

(60)
agree with you , sometimes unfortunate inccedent can make us better person, I shop lifted when I was in school, although my family is rich but I loved the rush part of it, and after i was cought, I learned so much that made me a better person.

My friends call me POOPY (name modifed to protect turd's identity, but it sounds kind of like POOPY), I moved to LA (Pasadena) about a year ago, I am engineer/ and a baby politician, ex-football player –Ohio State ( Buck eyes Rocks)

They say I am very down to earth, funny and Bubblie, smart, to be honest with you I don't see all of that, I just enjoy my life.

I am looking for friends first and hopefully it will progress to LTR or friends on fire, like they say, someone to be compatible with; mentally and emotionally.

Just enjoying great time, traveling , hanging out ....I have a lot of passionate in my life, sports, traveling ( traveled almost half the world, learned few languages), theater, dancing, water sports. etc.

I am not into games or enjoy drama, so with that said, lets get to know each other

either way I think u got a great feet ....
Cheers
POOPY
*(Includes corny, obviously posed picture of in-the-closet schmuck.)

(61)
I'm not 6 feet tall but I am half french and speak french fluently. Let me know if you want to know more.

Noel

(62)
This is the funniest ad I've read in a while, nice feet. "Cutout life-size Jesus Christ promo materials" I hate typing lol, but it seems so appropriate. Hmmmm, let's see this 25 year old give this a shot:

Where to start... I used to be a heroin addict, no joke, I was a gutter junkie. I'm D&D free now (still roll dice every now and then, sometimes in the game, sometimes in life, ha!) and spend some time talking at runaway shelters for teens. I don't think I'll ever give up community service as it's a huge part of my life now and just helping that one kid rise above really makes my day. I'm more grounded than I was then and have had a sponsor in NA for the past 6 years of sobreity (wow, that's even weirder written).

YOU: Can't stand Mexican food. It always gives me gas (ewww, right?). Loves the ocean, it's a huge part of my life and really helps to center me when I need to gain perspective on things. If you surf or board on the water, who knows what might come of this! I love well read girls, so you must have an extensive collection which includes most of the "classics" (yeah, I know, post modern is pretty cool too, just make sure you have Dr. Zhivago and we're good).

Clubs, art galleries, once every five years origami exhibitions, Internet celebrity presentations, you should be comfortable at all of these.

ME: I sell clown clothes and accessories. I know, you're probably thinking something along the lines of 'how big of a market can there be for clown clothes and accessories'? Well I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it's HUGE. There are clowns everywhere, all around us, in every town and every state, but most of them don't travel around with their makeup and costumes on. I don't like to brag, but clowns are actually lucrative niche-market customers who spend plenty of money on selzter water and white face paint. Red noses seem to be on the outs right now, pink and fuschia totally in, but that's neither here nor there.

I don't like dressing up that much, but when the occasion calls for it, I love pretending to be someone else. I hope you do, too. ;)

My BA in Philosophy is from Texas A&M, but I grew up in SoCal and have a lot of history here. Traveling has become part of my life, but Mexico is a no-go for me after three too many $0.50 shots and an all too well known animal show (I was young, drunk, and stupid, things happen, you know?).

I'm not a Godless communist, but at the same time, I don't believe in forcing anything on anyone, so no worries.

Hope we can connect.
(*Includes picture of smiling dude standing in front of Russian flag. Classic.)

(63)
HI,

how you doing tonight? I saw your post and wanted to say hello.

(64)
Wow, did you really get convicted of involuntary manslaughter? How much time did you serve for that? I must say that is some kind of luck you have including the warrant for your arrest in Wyoming. You don't read about that everyday on CL.

(65)
Hi,

I am D****; an ex football star, I live in Venice Beach. I was a general manager for Bally total fitness gyms. I own my own website it's an online search engine and own my own distribution company called X****. I am 6'1 tall handsome with light brown skin and an athletic build, and I grew up in Hawaii. I am easygoing like most from the islands.

D****
*(Includes picture of depressed-looking alcoholic waiting for more liquor to make him forget how depressed he is, to make hime forget how much he hates himself, to make everything...go away.)

(66)
Okay, I'm writing to you because I think you're either
A, totally whacked or B, totally with it. I mean,
straight off admiting that you were convicted of
manslaughter and have a warrant out in Wyoming...
wow. I do love French films. :)
*(Includes pretentious avant garde black and white picture of Christopher Walken/Steve Buscemi crossover.)

(67)
Hi there,

Feel a bit awkward doing this but, oh well. Let's see, where to start.
I
stumbled upon your post and I was pretty intrigued because, to be
honest,
you sound like someone I would like to spend some time with. It would
be
nice to get to know you a bit better so that I could say, I was
intrigued
because not only do you seem both sincere and interesting but you are
cute
on top of that, but I don't know you well enough so I can't say that.
So,
I'll start with what I do know... I'm B***, 24, graduated from UCSB,
just
got back from living in Paris (I am obsessed with all things French to
the
point that it is unhealthy), and spending my life trying to learn every
art
form that exists whether it is music, photography, languages or
cooking, to
name a few. I won't drag this out any longer. But just wanted to say
hello.
I've included 2 pictures, they are a bit old, but nonetheless, the only
two
I have at this moment in a digital format. Don't mind my niece in the
picture. She starves for attention. Anyways, write me when you get a
chance.

-B****
*(Includes two pictures, as he said. "Don't mind my illegitimate daughter." In the other picture, he wears a sweater open to show his nasty chest, but wears a winter hat on his head--because his head is cold, but his chest ain't.

(68)
i'm sorry, this might piss you off

i don't particularily like anything french (minus
therir cooking, and wines, and I guess the Statue of Liberty is kind of cool), clubs bore me, and am a tad
over 6 and all that. So while you seem quite
interesting, I've failed a couple of your criterias.

its irrelevant, i'm more so just really fascinated
with the jesus/ghandi ad thing. Do you have a website
or something like that? The idea of owning a
promotional jesus just really entertains me.

Chris

(69)
wow I am still trying to decide if this is real, but what the heck. Cute feet, and maybe I can get a deal on a lifesize cut out Ghandi. As far as the Franks, well you can call me King Charlemane, im 39 in great shape, succesfull, are you 420 friendly?
*(Includes picture of this fucking pothead dumbfuck smiling like the doped up fucker that he is staring off into the camera. Get a job, sir!)

(70)
you sound really interesting!

*(includes picture of loser standing in front of a surfboard. 'You look really retarded!')

(71)
I think your funny and I say that knowing your foot is not something
to be taken lightly (size 13) you are better than me and since jesus
was a bad carpenter and slacker rabbi he makes me feel like the jews
were not directly involved but were part of the lumber deal that
still is a hot buy " cross" shitty work and son of god =nailed to the
wood you didn't use for that deck you fucked up. I like not having
cancer or HIV anymore and girls that turn around when I yell slut ,
it just makes them more human. I am a failure who thrives on being in
some sort of conversation where I can show off my verbal skills and
meet people like your foot could be attached to. I have flaws I am good looking but never cum, potential but not enough to lie or hurt
people based on my net worth. I am lonely but only around others that
think this is a strange way for you to admit you want to know if I am
retarded or regarded and you haven't had sex with one of the two so
either way I am fun thing to pull out for weird guys I almost dated.
*(includes pic)

(72)
hello there..........

(73)
hey babe, im ****. what are you doing tonight?
*(Pic included of this obnoxious cock ring looking into the camera thinking only one thing..."If I can get it up when I'm with her, that might mean I'm still straight.")

(74)
Hahhahaahaah god daaamn wow 32/m/310 here but ummmm pretty much everything your looking for i'm not except the under 6 foot thing, " You should be less than 6 feet tall. No exceptions. I *heart* nerds.", although you might have made a typo and meant to say : You should not be less then 6 feet ... in which case i am and would make us complete opposites.....LMAO anyway what i really wanted to say was love the good spirited attitude having been put through a lot! It's your positive and uplifting spirit and attitude that really helps keep some of us other lost souls going..... thank you
and yes i am not Mr. photogenic :)
*(Looks a bit like Mark Wahlberg. He's Mark Wahlberg's broke, unkempt brother with no job.)

(75)
Dear Guilty of Love,
Do you know how hard it is to meet someone who actually enjoys and appreciates the French culture? I am currently taking french classes, trying to learn the only other language I have any interest in, in the hopes of one day actually living in France for a period of time. I'm not sure when this idea sprouted, but the seeds were planted long ago in high school when french was my only available option. In college, foreign language was not a requirement, so for a number of years my french was buried deep in the recesses of my mind. No longer though.
Green Card was such a bittersweet movie. My question is: Do you think Bronte goes to France?
If you liked Green Card, I imagine you've seen Before Sunset, with Julie Delpy?
I must warn you, I am a religious person, catholic to be exact, but I never preach nor force my religion on anybody, and have no intention to ever do so. A good number of my friends are not religious, and religion has never been an issue. It's a personal thing for me, and I keep it at that.
I've been in LA most of my life, born in Indonesia, but moved here when I was three. I actually had a green card until 2005, when I officially became an American citizen. I went to USC, and now I work in commercial real estate as a broker. It's not the most exciting job, but I do enjoy what I do for the most part. I think you have an awesome job, how did you come up with the idea to start that?
My likes are pretty typical I guess, beach, sun, eating good food, staying active by going to the gym, playing tennis, swimming, or hiking (beach volleyball when the weather permits), movies, museums, cooking, reading, hanging out with my awesome friends, and most of all, TRAVELLING!!!
I hope I haven't bored you to death, your post was so interesting and so unique, I figured to have any chance at all of a reply I had to be somewhat thorough. Hope to hear from you soon?

pic attached.
*(Includes pic of smiley Asian dude.)

(76)
Hi....

Interesting post. So is the Wyoming thing and icy road accident two different things? You sure do have a good attitude for such an unfortunate thing to have occured to you. Oh yeah, did you mean to spell it Ghandi?

(77)
My name is Don. I am a single 36 year old Italian male from Northridge. I'm looking to meet friends and hopefully meet "Miss Right". I work all week long and like to have fun on the weekends. I enjoy going dirt bike riding, snowboarding, taking my boat to the lake, wakeboarding and fishing. I am looking for someone to share these adventures with me. I do not like to argue nor do I like drama at all. I want to enjoy life. If this sounds like you, please feel free to e-mail me back.

(78)
This email is just a guy who copied and pasted his own personal ad into the email...Why?
A TRUE GENTLEMAN SEEKING A NICE WOMAN FOR LTR - 38

HELLO, MY NAME IS J**** I AM 38 6,2 195, I OWN MY OWN IMPORTING BUSINESS, I AM LOVING CARING AND DOWN TO EARTH, WITH A BIG HEART,,,I LOVE TRAVELING ,SPORTS, , ART SHOWS , AND LIFE CONCERTS, ,I AM LOOKING FOR A NICE WOMAN, FOR A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP , WITH THE SAME COMMON INTERESTS,LIFE IS SHORT ,SO LETS MAKE THE MOST OF IT TOGETHER, HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY, LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU
*(Includes picture of guy who you look at and think, "Borat in street clothes." He wears white shorts that are just a bit too short, and skinny-toothpic legs. He's got this desperate look on his face. The picture is taken in a bar. I'm guessing that the desperate look gives a good indication on how his luck with women is running at that moment in that particular bar. I feel that it is similar--nay, identical--to many moments in many different bars.)

(79)
Hi, I think we're perfect for each other!

I'm not going to sell you on why I'm the right guy for you; I'll just
tell you that I'm 37, intelligent and fun!

If you want to know more, then write back.

Good luck,

G***
*(Includes a pic of the guy riding his ten-speed bike. It looks like it's about 1985 in the pic.)

(80)
Hello,

How R U this morning?
Oh yes Green Card is one of my favorite MOVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Oh for some reason This site won't let me e-mail my photo?
So tell me how to get in touch? I can only send it by a regular e-mail.

Regards,

B*****
*(No pic, but Kathryn--this guy has your dad's name! Weird city!)

(81)
Hi notice your posting thinking why she saying this maybe she looks for rich men set them up and kill them?

I'm kinda affraid becasue I am very Rich and dont like to play around to much just work on millons more.

So do we have the same minds? I wonder? We will see lets test your heart now.

If you like the words I do then I do too understand me?

(82)
hi i'm joe from los angeles i'm very sweeet guy with good heart i'm faithful honest caring sincere dedicated loyal understanding i have my own apartment car professiional job . i'm very romantic affecionate passionate . i'm very fun guy to be around i'm loooking for long term relationship .

(83)
How mich are thr Jesus cut outs.Ihave a retail establihment.Are they weather proof.My partner is French.Bad luck happens to everyone so life gos on.1 question,Were you drinking before you hit the guerney or afterwards?Let me know thw prices on Jesus,I think you re looking sor someone younger than me.Have a nice day.PETE

(84)
wow!

in addition to selling dashboard jesus'...

you should write a script and option it in hollywood.

i loved your openness in penning your bio....

the only question is...

would i embarrass you in front of your folks?

:)

steve
*(Includes pic of J. Peterman look-alike (the one from Seinfeld).)

(85)
My name is T*** and I am an EMT and my overall goal is to become a Paramedic,I am also athletic, not a workaholic, not wealthy beyond your wildest dreams, or mine, yet. In the gym four days a week.I think of myself as a spiritual grounded person. I have never been one to follow the crowd. I've always done what I felt was right for myself. I live my life without any regrets and for this reason, I feel fulfilled. I'm a good listener and if someone asks me for advice I will give it. I think life is what we make of it. Life is all about learning and growing to better ourselves.I am looking for someone who wants to hike, work out,sit by the beach and talk. Love going out or staying in. Love cooking and candlelight conversation. Love to laugh but not afraid to cry. The mountains,movies,and pizza are three of my faves.I play the guitar and harmonica. My pictures never go thru on craigslist, I can send you one just e-mail me back.Thanks T***
*(Includes pic of this guy with a good ol' SEG (shit-eating grin))

(86)
what a silly pic

(87)
Wow thats quite a story. R u for real!!??!? :)

Anyway, its certainly an interesting life you have there,

A little about me. In English, single, in my thirties, and i like
your feet :)

So i guess a trip to Wyomings out for you huh?

I too enjoy cooking, and concerts (actually a little hung over today
from a band last night), and i dont even know what band camp is, so
no jokes about that!

Unfortunitly, i dont have a picture of my feet so i will send one of
my face. But if you reply and want to see them i guess i can it can
be arranged, ha ha.

r
*(Includes two picks.)

(88)
I really enjoyed ur down 2 earth post. I do media work. Advertising and PR stuff. Work all over. I have small feet, but don't hold that against me.......Thought I'd say hey. I'm down 2 earth, handsome, sexy, but never boring..Hit me up...........

That's it. That's all of them. 88 Responses. I spent way too much time doing this. I think next time, I'll limit it to 30 or 50 responses. What do you think? I don't care. It's not up to you. It's up to me. ME. ME.

The Craigslist Experiment I: M4W

2007-01-25T08:35:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm a dick. Whatever. It got THREE responses. Here are my ground rules for all future Craigslist Experiments:
* I will post all of the responses
* I won't post pictures, but I will put a notation if a picture was attached. If you read a response that you find really funny and want to see the picture, let me know.
* I will post no contact information to protect their identity.
* If they put a link to their Myspace page in their response, I will remove it (even though it may be tacky and ultra-funny).

This is the ad I put on Craigslist in the Men Seeking Women section. I attached a picture of a dude's foot in a sandal so that people would think there was a picture attached:

You + Me + Ankle Bracelet = FUN (27)

Reply to: pers-265974939@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-20, 11:40PM PST

Let me say up front that I used to have a problem with stealing stuff. Usually it was small. To make a long story short, see the following equation:
Me + Neiman Marcus + Lawsuit + Settlement = Ankle Bracelet

I really am a wonderful person and am totally rehabilitated. As far as the ankle bracelet, I'm not confined to my home, but the judge required I wear an ankle bracelet in case I enter Neiman Marcus or any of the other co-plaintiffs' stores. It beeps sometimes, but you won't notice it after a few minutes unless we get too close to one of the stores I'm not allowed to enter (but I can totally wait outside while you shop).

YOU: You must like all things French. I'm a total Francophile. I totally love any movie with Audrey Tautou. Tell me you love the film Amelie and we might have ourselves a match made in heaven! You should be less than 6 feet tall. No exceptions. I *heart* nerds. I *heart* nonsmoking, college graduates with no children or eating disorders (haha). You love a good movie. You're not out of place in a club OR art gallery.

You're not too picky when eating, and enjoy a good meal. You are annoyed by processed foods, but can still enjoy them (like, I hate Twinkies but they taste so good!). You love organic and natural foods, but have trouble enjoying them sometimes (ie. sprouted wheat bread).

You're between 22 and 39 years old, and won't look like a hussy in front of my parents.

ME: I started my own marketing company that sells cutout life-size Jesus Christ promotional materials, usually for retail. For instance, if a store is having a sale, they might order a couple of cutout Jesus signs that say, "I have faith that these are the lowest prices in town!" or, "What would Jesus buy?" I work really hard and come home tired each day because I put a lot into my day: meeting with clients, creating new designs, working on production issues, going to the gym, etc. We're going through an especially busy time because we're about to come out with our Ghandi line ("These prices are low enough to fight for!"). It's actually a booming business and my schedule will probably get even busier. You might think it's crazy that I'm looking for a relationship when I'm so busy, but I feel that life is best when shared with others.

I'm not really religious, and hope you aren't either. I find it a major turn-off when people I'm dating force their faith on me.

I went to college at Eastern New Mexico University, but my roots are mainly here in Southern California. I love to travel, and can go pretty much anywhere (except the state of Wyoming (arrest warrant for something I didn't do, but that's a really long story--haha)). I enjoy cooking, going to concerts, and playing the banjo (it's a rockin' instrument!).

Send me a pic, and I'll send you one in return. If you want a response from me, write me a thoughtful and intelligent response. ;)

RESPONSES TO THE AD:
(1)
hello there
cl dont make me send u my photo
but u can see me on my profile on my space
www.myspace.com.r{}*******
ciao
daniele

(2)
nice foot. got a face pic?

(3)
I'm creative, kind, romantic, adventurous, girl who loves outdoor activities and everything new.
I speak fluent English though I'm from Europe . I like to work hard and I do work hard in order to achieve my goals. My passions are literature and art (especially photography)
Hope to here from you.
Ana

Return to Blogspot

2007-01-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

I hate Myspace. I dislike anything relating to it. I've tried moving back to Blogspot before, but now I'm diong it. So there.

For awhile, I'll keep both blogs up. The myspace blog is at http://blog.myspace.com/medinski.

RyMed

Format Change: The Foods That I Eat

2006-08-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

I've decided I'm going to start blogging about what I eat. How exciting! I eat such shit, and now you get to read about the shit that I eat. I think we can make some grand connections here.

On this blog, I write about what I eat. On the other blog (blog.myspace.com/medinski), I will write about this blog.

Starting today:

1 bowl of frosted shredded wheat and 1 cup of yogurt
3 chicken drum sticks
1 half cup of cookies 'n cream ice cream
1 piece of rye bread with peanut butter
Some raisins
About a quarter of a bag of corn chips
1 cup of yogurt drink (from the Chinese grocery store)

I will later update what I eat for dinner.

Poop to Poop. Forever.

2006-08-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't written a blog in awhile. I'm not going to apologize to you. Why should I? You should apologize to me. Perhaps something along the lines of: "I'm sorry I don't express my gratitude enough."

I look on the TV sometimes and there's these bloggers that affect politics and the entertainment industry. What about me? I don't affect nothin. I think people are taking the "blog movement" too seriously. First of all, it's not a movement. Second of all, shouldn't the news reporters dig up the news themselves rather than be lazy and quote a blog? "This is CNN. According to Jim-bob's Beer Blog, we're in for higher gas prices by the end of the Fall. Though Jim-bob does not claim to be an economist, he writes a blog and this gives him automatic legitimacy."

And what's with everyone reporting about shit that shows up on YouTube? That's some lazy ass reporting. I'm going to open up my own news station (Ryan News Network) if all you have to do is report on some of the funny videos on YouTube. It used to be, you'd get a forwarded email with a link to a video. Now, it's something like this: "The bombing in Israel shows no sign of letting up. Massive damage today with an unknown number of deaths. Meanwhile, have you seen the OK Go music video on YouTube? It's hilarious!"

I just got a 100 gig external harddrive. Sweet, right? We'll see how long that'll last. I still remember when the 40 gig drive in my old computer seemed impossibly huge. I even remember my dad taking me to the computer store to buy me a new 540 megabyte hard drive on sale for $285 (or something like that). At the time, I felt that there way that anybody could use up 540 megs.

See the other blog at http://medinski.blogspot.com.

Sweet Jesus on a Crutch

2006-08-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

It's been so long, and you and I had something. We had something called a relationship. You and me. We and us. You and them. They and me. Us.

It's been so long because I was so ashamed. The sex change operation went horribly wrong; I now have a second penis. I'm unable to go into the men's room AND the women's room, because I'm now neither. If I have to go, I just have to hold it.

You may wonder why I abandoned you. Was it Myspace--that WHORE of a web site? Even after Rupert Murdoch bought it over, I kept using it. What's wrong with me?

Do you forgive me? Will you take me back?

Do you want to hear a quick story?

Once upon a time there was this guy named Rodney. Rodney loved the bitches. He went to this big party and there was a hole in the wall. He thought it was a glory hole, but it turned out to be an oversized electric pencil sharpener.

YOUR HOMEWORK: Tell me the moral of the story in 3 words or less.

Altercation at Santa Monica Ralph's

2006-01-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

Le and I were in the express checkout the other day at Ralph's. I insisted on exchanging her expensive dryer sheets for the store brand because they're cheaper--this is besides the point, though (and we're talking significantly cheaper, so don't comment on the REASON for us being in the express lane at Ralph's; just accept it).

In front of us, a blind woman with a seeing-eye dog was paying (the woman was paying; not the dog). She was a tad slow, what with not being able to see the money as she counted it out and all. This guy behind us in line slammed his can of Natty Light on the counter and yelled, "This is the express lane. That means you need to move faster." Very red neck, loud, already probably a bit drunk.

There was this long, tense pause. I was trying to process the fact that this man had yelled at a blind woman--an offense that automatically puts you on the hell-bound list. I couldn't move, and I don't remember breathing. It was quiet.

The woman slowly turned in the direction of the man's voice. It was like an old fashioned Old West face-off. Quiet, slow, tense.

"What did you say?!" the woman spat out. "What did you just say?"

The guy suddenly got nervous--either from the fear of the woman confronting him, or noticing she was blind and he'd yelled at her. "I just...I just...I just have one thing and I was-"

"That is no way to talk to a woman! I am a woman and nobody talks to me that way! Do you hear me? Didn't your mother teach you how to talk to a woman?"

The man was sweating now. "Look, I'm sorry...I didn't mean it."

"You didn't mean it? You shouted at a woman. You have no manners! That is absolutely disgraceful!"

He was scared now--almost cowering, though the woman made no moves towards him. "I didn't know you...I'm sorry, I just..."

"Yeah, you just! You need to go back to Ohio or wherever it is you're from! No manners!" Basically, she called him a redneck here without even saying the word. It was in her tone. Her seeing-eye dog came over at this point and sniffed me. However, you're not supposed to pet a seeing-eye dog (no matter how cute--because they're working, and you'll confuse them), so I just ignored him. He seemed to give a disgusted look at the redneck, but I couldn't tell for sure. "Your mother should have taught you some manners--not to shout at strangers, and especially not women! That is just disgusting behavior!"

She finished paying, gave the redneck a couple more angry looks, and left.

I still wonder if he was so afraid because the woman confronted him, because he realized she was blind, or because of a combination of the two. His loud burst was the type of thing you wouldn't expect to have challened. I wasn't going to challenge it. He looked like a dirty redneck who wanted a fight. Maybe he wanted one--but probably not from a little old blind woman with a potentially ferocious seeing-eye dog. Or maybe something peeked through the ruins of his manners and sense of decency. "Thou shalt not yell at old blind women." And maybe seeing this woman in sunglasses with her dog brought back a moment of clarity: "I am surely going to hell."

I think in her anger, he remembered his own mother who possibly DID teach him not to yell at women. He remembered her, perhaps not even that long ago (he looked late 30s early 40s). He perhaps sensed how disappointed his mother would be for him to be reminded by the VERY woman he yelled at how to talk to women. Maybe it was this same mother that drove him to drink--indirectly causing him to NEED that liquor he'd slammed on the counter to forget about his life and his mother...

And typically I hate going to Ralph's. I'm more of a Trader Joe's man.

Fan Club

2005-12-28T00:18:00.000-08:00

I was sitting here sending an email off to a friend (a friend who should consider cutting her hair back to shoulder length like in college, but that's neither here nor there). It was then that I came up with a brilliant idea.

I first thought, "Why not set up a fan club devoted to one of my friends--just to piss them off?!" Such as the Megan the Vegan Fan Club (though she's not vegan, 'Megan' and 'Vegan' do not rhyme, and I am protecting Megann's identity by intentionally mispelling her first name by leaving off one of the 'n's). But then I thought of something even MORE thrilling (sorry Megann).

What would happen if I picked a random person--perhaps even out of the phone book--and set up a fan club? It'd be a fan club devoted to a complete and utter stranger. Not only that, but I could contact their family members and friends, and pay them to get me pictures of the subject to put on the new web page.

Can you imagine a web page for...Ed Fox in Murfreesboro, Tennessee? It is a name I picked at random in a random city in the United States. Pictures, history, and a list of property owned; fun facts; likes; dislikes; favorite color...Maybe we can find public records available from whatever county Murfreesboro is in and put that up. We could put those up, as well as a list of favorite foods. But my favorite part will be the membership fees.

This is where he'll say, "What the fuck?!" He'll look online to find...VOILA! A slick web page devoted to him. After a while, a certain mystique will surround Ed Fox. He'll be a celebrity without doing anything.

Who wants to do the web page?

The Quakers told me so it MUST be true...

2005-12-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

My blog postings have become more and more bland.

No, no--it's true. Don't argue. You're not arguing? You agree with this, you say? Well aren't you a shithole...

A friend of mine recommended medication to help me relax and concentrate. Medication? For what? He said I could expand my mind and I should just learn a little bit more about it before I say it's a bunch of crap. I think I know what kind of "hippy medication" he's talking about, and I'm just not into it. Eh, it's a bunch of crap.

Medication? Maybe it was meditation. I wasn't really listening. Either way, let's get focused, people. Meditation's a bunch of crap.

The problem is not me. The problem is you. Yes, you, with your high expectations. You expect me to please you. You expect me to make you laugh. You expect to be entertained like I'm some fuckin' clown here to amuse you.

It's True...
Island Fever is an actual thing. People go crazy from it. I thought I was, but realized I was plain wrong. Me and the Quaker family living in my living room. No, they weren't here before, but now they are and they're just another thing I have to live with. They came because of the oatmeal. Anyway, they told me I was wrong; I'm not cracking up, it's something else.

They said that Island Fever is an illusion--something "of the devil." Of course, the Quaker family is pretty strict. They don't let me stay up past ten at night. And of course, they make me eat my oatmeal. On the plus side, the womenfolk are finally cleaning my apartment. That's good, though it is quite cramped. They set up a butter churn in the middle of the carpet. I tried buying a tub of store-bought butter from Safeway, but they insisted the fresh stuff is better.

I'm Serious

2005-12-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

I'm really going to start posting exclusively at Myspace if nobody says anything.

Moving to Myspace

2005-12-23T00:49:00.000-08:00

If there are no objections, I will continue doing the blog purely on Myspace. Unless you read this.

If your name is not Adam, let me know if you read this. If your name is Adam, tell me if you want me to keep posting here for you, or if you don't mind checking out the same blog at Myspace.

Stuck

2005-12-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

Today, I decided to get out of my apartment. Yesterday I didn't go anywhere. I said, "I need to get out of this apartment. It's too depressing to stay in the same place all the time." So I packed my backback with my iPod and other stuff, and drove out to the Place of Refuge. It's one of the most sacred places to the native Hawaiians. It's only a 20 minute drive, and though there's no good places to swim, it offers excellent views of water crashing into the shore. Why not?

Anyway, when I got down there and got out of the car, I saw a puddle of anti-freeze forming under the car. A nice big smelly puddle. I opened the hood and saw the busted hose running from the engine to the radio. I found some duct tape in the trunk of the car, and taped up the hole really nice. Then, I refilled the radiator with water (since there were water fountains and I had several empty water bottles in the car). After I was done with looking at waves crash on the beach (and I was sure the car had cooled), I got in and started driving.

The problem with the Place of Refuge is it's at the bottom of a looooong hill. No surprise, then, that the car made it about a half mile out of the entrance before it overheated. I pulled over, added more tape to the hole, and saw that the hose had sprung a new leak. I taped that, got in the car, and drove another mile and a half or so. Again it overheated. There was another leak.

I called uncle Collector. He had to take his wife to the airport, still, and that was way far in the opposite direction. I told him which hose it was, and he said he'd stop at an autoparts store on the way back. I planned on a wait of two to three hours. I called Triple-A and reactivated my membership just in case I would need a tow (and everyone should have Triple-A; I was stupid to have not renewed my membership). But AAA said I'd get the first 5 miles of towing free, and then each mile after that would be $5 per mile--and we were a shade more than 5 miles from any mechanic.

I walked back to Place of Refuge, watched more waves crashing on the shore, and then walked back to the car to meet him. We installed the new hose, but it appeared too big. All well--maybe it'll work. Half a mile later, I pulled over and we cut the hose down half an inch (which took awhile since we used wire cutters to do this). Another half mile, and the car overheated again. We cut it down another inch.

This time, the car was almost to the top of the hill (and the highway that would take us back home) when it overheated again. I barely had enough time to pull over as the needle raced towards the red. I shut off the car and we ditched it for the night. I rode back with him. Who knows how major the problem is.

Now, I've got two completely nonfunctioning cars. I'm bummed, because living in Hawaii is a bit like Southern California in one major respect: You can't get anywhere without a car. I'm thinking about getting a bicycle. The gym is an easy 12 mile bike ride away downhill. The problem? Coming home UPhill.

I can't see much of a solution except to come home. My vacation is over. Without a car, I'm completely stranded. I have no money to buy a new car, or pay for major repairs. I'm so sick of dealing with old shitty cars that break down all the time.

LA-LA-Land Bound (and gagged?)

2005-12-21T22:06:00.000-08:00

I'll be returning for a visit from January 13th to the 23rd. I'm pretty excited. Maybe you are too (though probably about something else, and not my return; perhaps it's just a coincidence we're excited at the same time). Perhaps you can hang out with me when I come back. Unless you're in Albuquerque or elsewhere...Then I guess we'll have to videoconference or something.

There's a few places I want to go when I'm in town:
1) Cantor's Deli--I need a decent deli sandwich (Hollywood)
2) Some place that serves a decent pizza (there ain't nothing here)
3) Wheatberry--I need a decent breakfast, and some decent bread (Pasadena)
4) Pho Super Bowl--I need a decent bowl of pho (though there's okay pho here in Kona) (Alhambra/San Gabriel)
5) Decent Dim Sum--I hear the neighborhood Chinese place (and by this, I mean the ONLY Chinese place within 75 miles; it just so happens to be half a mile from my place) has pretty decent dim sum on weekend mornings, but how could it compare to something in Monterey Park?

Le and I are already discussing a quick trip to Las Vegas. I'll say I've never been there before. They say that whatever happens there stays there. That's a somewhat dangerous attitude. After all, I'm the reason there's so many kids in Las Vegas public schools wondering who Daddy is just because I threw caution to the wind a few times and said, "Whatever happens here stays here."

I'll see how much I miss the mainland when I'm there. Maybe I'll go and say, "Jesus, I want to come back here?!"

And Jesus will say, "I don't know, my son."

"Jesus," I'll say. "I'm sorry to tell you, but I'm Jewish."

"Me too. I guess we'll both be going to hell." That Jesus. He is one fucked-up dude, dude.

STIR-CRAZY UPDATE
I need off this motha fucka ('motha fucka' in this case is the Island of Hawaii). Just for a little. I need to see wide-open spaces again, and the availability of cultural activities and museums and bookstores and food and the beach. The beach? Yes. I always loved going for a walk on the beach in California no matter what time of year it was. Why not here? It's definitely not the same.

I've become white-boy pale, again. I have no tan, and am actually a light white--probably whiter than I've ever been. I just don't enjoy going out anymore. The beach is super boring and a long drive.

So I'm stir crazy. I don't go out much. I spend the bulk of my time working with macadamia nuts, coffee, chocolate, reading, writing, and watching movies. I'm the most anti-social I've ever been. But look at the latest book I'm reading. It's excellent; Kiss Me Like a Stranger. That's an amazing book.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Sense

2005-12-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

A federal judge has ruled the teaching of Intelligent Design unconstitutional! It is a major victory for reason in a conservative christian controlled nation!

I'm thrilled, actually. The tides are turning. People are starting to remember what the United States Constitution is there for--that it is not a doormat to be changed at the whim of a relgious zealot.

Of course, this ruling goes against the president's beliefs. The sweet, sweet irony is that the federal judge who made the ruling was appointed by George W. Bush.

Read the article here from the L.A. Times.

Porn and Religion: Together Like PB&J

2005-12-16T10:47:00.000-08:00

All right, you want to talk about a brilliant idea? I just thought this one up.

Let's look at fundamentalist Christians in this country. They want to bring Jesus into everything. Jesus is a major reason we invaded Iraq (because they have Allah, and we can't have the towel heads going around yelling, "Praise be Allah!" in whatever weird language they speak). Jesus is why they want to teach creationism in the South. Jesus is why they want prayer back in school. Jesus is why the president won't be impeached (but he's a Christian; why impeach a devout Christian?). Jesus has a stranglehold on the country.

And then there's porn. A lot of people in this country like porn. Porn is already a multi-billion dollar industry. The Christians don't like it, though. They're dead set against it. And I think I figured out why. It takes a Jew to see that you need to combine the two.

"Christian porn?!" you say. "Why that's sick!" I say you're jealous, because YOU didn't think of it. "Yeah," you're saying, "You're right actually. I wish I'd thought of it first."

Examples
"Jesus, I'll Do Anything to Pass This Exam" -- In this scenario, a young, buxom woman sits over her ethics exam. Next to the exam is a large bible. She wears a cross around her neck, and is in fact a nun. She prays out loud. Enter Jesus. He is resplendent in his glowing white robe and Jesus-like beard.

"Jesus? Is that you? You've come to help me pass this exam?"

"Of course."

They read a few bible versus out loud to each other, and things start to get hot.

"I heard you say you'll do anything to pass this exam," he says fingering the exam on her desk.

She smiles lasciviously. "Anything, Jesus."

"I'm going to help open you up to the word of Me."

And then it goes from there into some hardcore. Meanwhile, of course, they still read bible verses out loud, and Jesus (between humps) yells that he endorses the war on the Arabs in Iraq.

Preaching to the Choir Boys -- I'm not going to go into too much detail on this one. Of course, they'll probably end up legalizing kiddy porn, so this one may not work now, but it will soon.

Jesus and the Mistletoe -- A really buxom, hot woman is by herself for Christmas. Watch how religiously hot this gets when the woman prays under the mistletoe for someone to spend Christmas with...and then Jesus, in all his glory, arrives. She'll be saying, "Sweet Jesus," in no time! And he's brought a few of his friends: the three wise men, and EVERYONE wants a piece of the action. It's piece on earth--a piece of action!

The Cable Repair Man -- A woman want her cable repaired. She is dressed in nothing but a see-through nighty. The cable repair guy comes, and then fixes her cable. As soon as he leaves, there's another knock on the door. Apparently, the cable repair guy has left something. He leaves. Then there's another knock on the door. It's Jesus, and he explains to her that everything on the TV is very dirty and will rot her mind. She is turned on by him telling her all this, and it leads into the hot and heavy sex scene.

It brings a new meaning to "Holy Entertainment," if you catch my drift.

Someone send me a script. Let's get this in motion.

A letter to a medical school friend

2005-12-15T21:56:00.000-08:00

"Dr. Tina,

"They call me Dr. Worm. Good morning how are you, I'm Dr. Worm. I'm interested in things. I'm not a real doctor, but I am a real confectioner.

"I'm sick. I have a sore throat, runny nose, coughing, sneezing, and I think one of my limbs is about to fall off. Now riddle me this: Why should I send YOU candy when I'm currently sick? As a doctor, you're supposed to prevent this (from 4,000 miles away).

"I'm sending in the Oompa Loompas to attack you.

Sincerely,
Willy Wonka"

It's true. I'm sick. Miserable. I took two long naps today (though I still managed to make 133 pounds of delicious semi-sweet chocolate candy).

Here's an interesting factoid: I'm sick of semi-sweet chocolate. This is the good shit. The highest quality chocolate on the market. The very thought of eating semi-sweet chocolate makes me want to vomit, now. When I first got here, I ate that stuff all the time.

"Oh, it's so good." And they said to watch how much I eat or I'll get sick of it really fast. But that didn't matter, because they said that I WOULD get sick of it. It wasn't a matter of 'if.'

So here it is. I'm actually sick of semi-sweet and dark chocolate. I used to love the stuff. I used to want to bathe in it. I used to want to turn on the machines, open my mouth, and stick my head in.

All well.

Another One Defects to the Single Side

2005-12-13T04:02:00.000-08:00

For those of you who know her, you may have already heard the news, but here it is again in case you haven't: Kathryn Allen is getting married. Yes, strike another one off the population sign for Single City. She's engaged to her boyfriend (does this make him an ex-boyfriend, and now just fiance?), Jake. Now normally I bitch and complain when a friend announces their engagement, but in this case I actually care. I'm actually happy for someone. This isn't like most other times when friends announce their engagement and I pretend I'm happy for them.

Kathryn was the first person I met when I moved to New Mexico. I was a sophomore; she was a freshman. We met in Mr. Mulholland's drama class. It was there she tried selling me a Sig Sauer 9 mil. I was shocked, of course. She was trying to sell a gun at school?! Well, of course I reacted the way anybody would. I laughed. After all, that's not a gun. The HK Mark 23 .45 caliber pistol I carried around was a real gun. What she had was a toy in comparison. She sold me half a kilo of pure heroin, though.

I've really got to give it to Kathryn; she always had a seemingly endless supply of heroin. Where did it all come from? She always kept at least three half-kilo blocks in her locker, and then sold at lunch or between classes.

On another note, this is my first holiday season in a candy factory. It's pretty wild. Wake up, make candy and sort mac nuts. Then it's off to the gym before it closes because I've lost track of time and it's already getting late. Get back, load 100 or so pounds of chocolate into the melter in anticipation of making chocolate covered something in the morning. It all becomes a blur.

Here's something new: I no longer like semi-sweet chocolate. It's now on the same level as Ritz crackers. Ritz crackers are okay. I'll eat a Ritz cracker if I'm really hungry and that's all there is, but I won't actively seek them out. I don't say, "Oh, a Ritz cracker. What a treat!" No, it's just a Ritz cracker. Who cares? And that's how I feel about semi-sweet chocolate.

EXTREME IMPORTANCE

2005-12-11T11:25:00.000-08:00

I just watched the movie Bladerunner last night, and it definitely was a wake-up call.

The movie takes place in 2019, which is only FOURTEEN years away! We have a long way to go in fourteen years. Here is a list of recommendations I will be forwarding along to President George W. Bush, who I'm 100% sure will take these recommendations and turn into concrete guidelines to take your mind off the war (WHAT WAR?!). The movie takes place in Los Angeles, so it gave a good way to compare the present to the future by comparing the Los Angeles of 2005 and the LA of 2019.

1) Institute a Flying Car Requirement: At least all police officers and private detectives should have flying cars. Granted, there'll still be a lot of traffic on the ground, but that's okay. They'll fly around and land on things. Perhaps 25% of all traffic by 2019 should be flying cars and trucks. This can be done, and is a realistic guideline.

2) Make Robots That Resemble Humans: The military may already be doing this. However, six of them should be out-of-whack killer robots. And you need bounty hunters whose profession it is to find these androids and kill them. I recommend me as the secretary general of the Department of Android Bounty Hunting. Make at least three of those androids really sexy.

3) Tear down downtown LA and replace it with a series of huge superstructures: The terrorists will naturally be intimidated of humongous buildings with lots of lights--too intimidated to blow it up. In fact, make some of them empty decoys so that the terrorists blow THOSE up so that the REAL ones will be safe. Make the decoys look like the real ones so that the terrorists THINK they're blowing up the real ones, when they're REALLY blowing up the fake ones. See Blazing Saddles for more illustration of this point.

4) Populate Other Planets: Real estate here in the U.S. has gotten far too expensive (minus practically everything between the east and west coasts). It's time to settle Mars, Mercury, the moon, and Jupiter (Gaseous cloud? Nonsense! That's the kind of nay-saying that said there were no WMDs in Iraq, you towel head). Send U.S. residents. Australia, after all, was first populated by convicts. Send the Blacks, Latinos, and Jews. Then, when the atmosphere is stabilized and people don't die immediately, start sending everyone else.

5) Robotic Snakes: We need to do research into robotic snakes that look JUST like real snakes, but take batteries. This is important for national security, because that android did some pretty raunchy, lewd things in the movie with that snake. And that would be so cool.

6) Guns With Cool Sound Effects: Guns that simply go BANG-BANG and POP-POP need to start going KRACKALACKA with a cool laser sound effect. These guns will be immeasurably important for national security.

7) Institute Origami Requirements: One of the cops in the film did some great origami swans and shit. If the LAPD could do origami, maybe everyone would forget about them shooting and beating black people.

2005:
"You killed my son!"
"Awww, shit."

2019:
"You killed my son!"
"Awww, shit. Here's a swan."
"Wow! Thanks!"

8) Research Anti-Tobacco Smoking: In the movie, EVERYONE smoked. Cops, citizens, restaurant owners, children, the elderly, hookers. Everyone. Even inside! The only way this can happen is if a tobacco-free alternative is found. Luckily, this already exists: crack. Everyone needs to be smoking crack by 2019 and it has to be socially acceptable. A campaign showing the cons of smoking and the pros of crack needs to be initiated. I'd like to nominate myself as the Commissioner of the Anti-Tobacco Pro-Crack Agency (ATPCA).

Richard Pryor's Dead and All Hope's Lost

2005-12-10T15:11:00.000-08:00

Richard Pryor died this morning. That's a phenomenal loss. I bet Billy Graham and the entire white conservative Christian establishment is thrilled. It's a big loss, even though he was so self-destructive. It's almost surprising that he lived as long as he did. Anyone that deliberately sets themselves on fire doesn't seem to have the strong desire to see that many more birthday cakes put in front of them.

I finished my screenplay the other night. Oh, you didn't know I was writing one? And you don't care. But then your next thing might be, "Let me read it, Ryan!" No. You don't get to read it. You don't get to touch it.

You know who you are. I let you read my shit in the past and nobody ever does. For some people who say they want to read something I write, I might actually put the copy in their hands. More often than not, that person (and it's not just one; this is a typical reaction) will flip through it really quick and say, "Wow...This is kind of thick." Yeah. "Hmm...That's a lot to read." And then they turn on the TV.

You'll say, "I won't do that." But then you will, and when I ask you in two months if you've read it, you'll say, "Not yet. I've been really busy. But I'm going to this weekend."

I'm being a bit self-centered to think that anyone will want to read it, of course.

I just got sweet potato ice cream and lychee flavored sorbet last night. Isn't that odd? Both are surprisingly good, but that sweet potato ice cream is something odd. It's sweet, and creamy, and yummy, but I feel a bit like I'm eating a meal when I eat it. However, last night I found out it's actually taro, because taro is a kind of sweet potato. The ice cream is purple (like taro), and tastes like taro. Why they didn't just call it taro ice cream is beyond me.

Anybody know anything about poi? Everyone says I need to try poi. They sell at at KTA in big bags, but I don't know how to prepare it. Do you just take it out of the bag and eat it?

My word on SPAM

2005-12-06T19:32:00.000-08:00

I'm of course talking about Hormel's tasty ultra-processed meat product. I eat the turkey Spam. The regular Spam is too high in fat (though quite tasty).

Something interesting I noticed today is that on the label for Turkey Spam, they show sliced turkey--as if you're going to open the can and pull out fresh, lean sliced turkey. In fact, sliced turkey has nothing to do with the Spam philosophy. The label says, "Oven Roasted Turkey." What kind of oven is this that you put sliced turkey in and it spits out a block of Turkey Spam? Also pictured with the sliced turkey on the label is a piece of tomato, some lettuce, and even some onion. Perhaps this is a picture of you what you should probably be eating, rather than a can of ultra-processed, high-sodium meat product. I don't know...I just remember that the last time I made a turkey sandwich, I don't remember it involving scooping it from a can or cutting it off a rectangular block.

Believe it or not, there's even a "Proper Spam User Guide" on the back. Is this what this nation has come to? Perhaps it's just the Hawaiians; them I understand needing pictures telling them how to get the meat product out of the can. Evidently, though, it's a scientific four step process (it HAS to be scientific because there's a cartoon drawing of a guy in a lab coat pointing to each of the steps on the label).

STEP ONE: Lift and pull.
STEP TWO: Squeeze until it POPS.<--Something about this just makes my mouth water. Loud pops (gunshots, zits, broken condoms) make me hungry.
STEP THREE: Squeeze and Tap (can on plate)<--It seriously has this in parentheses, in case you're about to squeeze it onto the floor
STEP FOUR: Slice and Fry (or grill, broil, microwave, eat cold)

Thank you, Hormel Foods. You make me secure not only in my new-found knowledge of Spam preparation, but also my sexuality.

Meanwhile, I actually got the green eyesore* running today. I had to drive it (with no functioning brakelights, hardly any gas, old ratty tires, numerous other unseen problems, no headlights, no state safety inspection sticker, expired registration, smokey exhaust) to the mechanic. I hope that they lose the thing, or just forget to work on it for ever. Or maybe we'll be lucky and it'll burst into flames or will fall into the fucking ocean.

*My 1984 Bronco II--the ugliest, rustiest, shittiest car ever. It has a Weber 4 barrel racing carb, though. The carburator is worth more than the car.

Maggie's phone number

2005-12-06T11:35:00.000-08:00

Anybody know Maggie's phone number? Adam, you know it, right? I lost it when I got my new phone. Could you email it to me? Thanks!

Development. Awwww.

2005-12-04T00:56:00.000-08:00

Fuck the traffic. Fuck the white man.

Today was nothing special. A typical Hawaiian day. Beautiful sunset, perfect weather.

I wouldn't say that that gets old, but...you start craving variation.

I've decided (and it's a preliminary decision) to return to Cali in about 6 months. I was talking to my brother about this today. It starts to get pretty old when a whole lot of people (the natives) hate you because you're white and/or grew up in actual civilization. But that's not it.

Don't get me wrong: I like natural beauty. I enjoy the volcanoes, the gorgeous weather, the sun setting over the water and making everything glow orange, the flowers, the multi-colored coral, the bright fish, etc.

But damnit, I miss people. I miss IKEA, a great selection of restaurants, theaters, bookstores, malls, suitable educational and medical facilities, public transportation systems, large electronics stores, nice public libraries. Development. Why is it that I crave to see evidence of humanity's destruction of everything in nature? And would I feel this way if I didn't live on an island?

Of course, my whole view may change when I go visit Honolulu (not officially planned yet, but I do want to go check it out). There, the weather is the same, but it has a lot of development. It's often compared to LA. They say it has bad traffic, but now there's actually pretty bad traffic in little old Kona. It's true. Heading from Captain Cook through Kealakekua all the way past Keauhou into Kailua-Kona in the morning is bumper-to-bumper traffic. And between three-thirty and 7-thirty is traffic heading in the opposite direction.

Besides, I miss the hot topic of conversation in LA: How you got to where you are today. These conversations were entirely composed of numbers (representing freeways). Everyone did this. Debates and arguments over the many ways to get where you are now, and then the topic will temporarily change to something else before everyone discusses how they're going to get to the next place. "Take the 10 to the 605 to the 134 to the 101 and exit at Reyes Adobe." And then someone could say, "No, don't do that. Take the 10 to the 5 straight up to the 101, and then take that out to Reyes Adobe." Blah blah blah.

I don't miss the traffic, though. FUCK the traffic.

The man of her dreams...

2005-12-03T09:16:00.000-08:00

Now this is cool, since Jen--a person who has never actually met me--said she dreamed she visited me in Hawaii, and wanted to congratulate me on the big move and my current relationship. Well this is very exciting. I'm curious at what Kona looks like to someone who hasn't visited it. Of course, there's two Hawaiis: the one the tourists see (which is really nice and fun), and the one for the people that live here.

I've been learning about the two Hawaiis. I got to revisit tourist Hawaii when Le came to town. That was fun. But Hawaii for those that live here--it's just another small town. Of course the closest city doesn't have a respectable mall or even an Ikea, but it's rural. Get past the pretty sunsets, the ocean, the fresh air, nice weather, good food, and what is it? Raton, New Mexico, or mayhaps Prescott, Arizona.

The Hawaii for those that live here has native Hawaiians who hate white people. And if you're not white, they hate you almost as much because you're from the mainland. Why do they hate you because you're from the mainland? Because you're from the mainland, you piece of shit.

More later.

Spider Attack: How I Lost my Sunglasses, and Almost my Life

2005-11-30T22:18:00.000-08:00

Le just left Kona today. She came in for a lovely visit. We went around the island--from here to Volcanoes National Park, to Hilo, then Wimea, Hapuna Beach, and then back home. We did a lot. But lets skip forward to our horseback ride to Kealakekua Bay.

We went on a fantastic trailride with a dude named Bones. Awesome views of the water, nice horses, etc.

But lets go to the point where I lost my sunglasses. It was about halfway down a long path overlooking the bay and some ancient Hawaiian foot path/highway, when I rode through a spider web. In fact, the spider web landed all over my face, and as it did I saw a huge spider coming down out of the tree. This was the largest spider I'd ever seen outside of a zoo--perhaps about four inches across, yellow and black, huge body, skinny legs.

It landed on my shoulder and started crawling around. It was about this time that I--a rather large, somewhat burly, typically unflappable man--started screaming. No, it wasn't a loud, long, feminine shriek. It was more me yelling in a panicked, high-pitched voice, "Get it off me! Get it off me! There's a fuckin spider on me! Fuck! Fuck! Oh Fuck! Get it off!" I let go of the reins and started flapping my arms around, and tried hitting the spider off me. I succeeded in knocking my sunglasses off. I thought the spider was gone, but there he was on my leg. He'd crawled down my torso to my legs and seemed to be crawling back up. I kept hitting at him, and he finally fell to the saddle, and then jumped off the horse. I figured I'd saved myself from certain death. I could only imagine the humongous fangs that thing had and he was so close to planting them in my flesh.

I took the reins back, and noticed my sunglasses were gone. I told Bones about the huge spider.

"Oh that? That's a good spider. They won't hurt ya'. They just crawl around on ya'. 'Bout only thing on this island that'll hurt ya' is a brown recluse. That'll kill ya'."

And that was that. Bones is a man's man--the type of guy that makes the Marlboro Man look like a devotee of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (coincidentally, my brother is one, but that's just a side note). I feel like such a schmuck.

Not only that, but I need new sunglasses. Goddamnit.

The 'Three' Key

2005-11-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, today the keyboard works a little better. Now, only the 'three' key doesn't work. I guess I can live without the 'three' key. Maybe I'll get a new keyboard at some point, but $65 for the 'three' key? And that's the price of a used one on eBay. Granted, it's also the 'pound' key, but when do you really need that? For tic-tac-toe? That's it, right?

Check this out: 1. That's right, the 1 key works. And I can also put in a tilde. Watch this: ~. That's right. A fucking tilde. Thank the Lord! I've got tilde access!

Black Friday is coming up. I plan on buying a DVD Recorder from Costco for about $85. If I can find a DVD burner for cheap (external), I'll buy that too.

Last night I went to the beach (before I fucked up my keyboard). It was the Old Airport State Park. Guess what it used to be...Give up? It was the old airport. The parking lot is the old landing strip, and coincidentally one of the longest parking lots I've ever seen. It's a mile long and about an eighth of a mile wide. That'd make a good drag strip.

I was discriminated against today. Hawaiians. Many are ignorant, racist motherfuckers. I went to pay for an oil change at the Midas. A native woman walked in. The guy behind the counter (the manager of all people) was native. I'd been standing there at the counter for 10 minutes waiting to pay. I had my credit card out and was obviously THERE to pay. The woman walked up to the counter and pulled out HER credit card. After about another 5 minutes, the manager walked over and let HER pay first, completely ignoring me. He then went back to his little desk, dicked around a couple of minutes, then came back and treated me like I had JUST walked in--like he hadn't even seen me standing there. "Oh, are you here to pick up the BMW?" BMW? What? Are you on crack? There wasn't even a BMW in the goddamn parking lot. I understand that Hawaii has a huge ice problem. Case in point.

Fixed keyboard? Not quite.

2005-11-22T08:04:00.000-08:00

This is curious. This morning, my keyboard appears to work. Only two keys this morning aren't working: the one and the three key. It's strange, because the ` and the 2 keys work.

Should I still buy a new keyboard? Nah. Although, every so often, when I start typing real1ly fas1t, a 'one' is inserted in a weird plac1e (see?). Still, no exclamation points, by the way. But if I real1ly need access to these two numbers, I COULD just turn on the num luck key and do it that way.

Damn. Maybe I still do need a new keyboard. Though I COULD just hook up an external USB keyboard, right? That might be an idea. And a monitor with DV input, and then just use the iBook like a Mac Mini while I'm at home. But then I have to buy a monitor and another keyboard.

Shit. I hate spilling coffee on expensi1ve things. I'm such a moron.

Fucking broken keybord.

2005-11-22T02:38:00.000-08:00

Tip: Don't pour coffee on your keybord. You'll notice I don't utilice lot of letter. No backspace. No 's' or 'a' or numbers or the firt letter of cunt (tht time it orked). I did by accident. No double-u. I knock coffee off counter onto keybord. Only couple drop. Big-time fucked. Fuck me...No ekclemition point. No eks key.

God dmmit Thi fucking piece of hit ht the fuck cn I do ith lptop ith no Goddmn keybord?

Not kidding nd fuck you for thinking I m.

Hello, I'm Johnny Cash.

2005-11-20T21:41:00.000-08:00

Man, wouldn't it be great if I were able to say that and mean it?

I went to the Club and worked out a bit this evening. Usually, on Sundays, I go across the street and get some Vietnamese takeout from Ba'Le. Today, I went and got some Jamba juice and walked around a bit. And then a funny thought struck me: "This isn't so different from Old Pasadena." Old Pasadena is a really nice shopping area with an okay night life and fair amounts of culture. There's at least one theatre, movie theaters, restaurants. But the Kona Coast Shopping Center had all of this (minus the theaters, night life, and culture).

There was the requisite Starbucks. Also, there was the Vietnamese place (and what's any place without a Vietnamese place?), Blockbuster Video (which really fulfills the function a movie theater does), Ross (a poor excuse for a department store, but STILL a department store), KTA (it's not Gelson's, but it's a pretty nice grocery store), Jamba Juice, and a couple of other places. Tourists are wondering about intermingled with the people that live here. Come on. Did I not just describe Old Pasadena? You may have to use your imagination a little, and perhaps even a little stoned, but it'll all start to make sense.

I've decided to write a proposal to present to the city council about changing the name from Kona Coast Shopping Center to Old Pasadena II. I think it's pretty promising, and should give me the exposure I need to enter local politics. For the large number of Southern Californians that live here, I imagine it will make them all feel more at home. All it needs is at least one super-trendy bar and a sushi place close by that's open until 4:30 AM, and we're set. I'll never have to move back to Pasadena.

Le is coming out to visit on Thursday. Yes, Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday. I hate Christmas, because I dislike Christianity, Christians, Christmas trees, Christmas music, and Kenny G (who seems to always have some sort of shitty Christmas CD out). Easter? It's okay because there's a lot of candy, but then what? Eggs? Come on. Passover? No. It's kind of like Chanukah for me, except it's only one day. And what's my deal with Chanukah? For me, it's an eight day reminder of how Jewish I'm not, and how I've never been Bar Mitzvahed and I'll resent my parents forever for not preparing me for it like every other Jew on Earth. Also, my apartment always stinks after I make latkes. That pretty much leaves Thanksgiving and the 4th of July. I used to like the 4th of July, too, but the Republicans have turned it into American Ultra-Patriatism Day.

So Thanksgiving. Turkey lurkey doo and a turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey then I take a nap.

I'm going to see Good Night, and Good Luck at the Aloha Theatre on Wednesday. I'm pretty psyched. It looks like a cool movie, and it's only $6. If I could convince them I'm 60 or above, the movie's ony $5. Any ideas?

I just watched Matrix Revolutions today...Yeah...The first movie was fine. I don't think they had to ruin it with sequals. Actually, the second movie was ultra-bizarre. The third one wasn't too bad.

Yeah...so that's that.

2005-11-19T23:35:00.000-08:00

I've done nothing worthwhile over the last week. Nothing. At. All.

I made chocolate covered macadamia nuts today. I accidentally spilled about five pounds of melted chocolate on the floor, and then accidentally stepped in it; that's the only almost worth mentioning. Don't worry, though--I didn't eat it.

The Green Eyesore

2005-11-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

The Green Eyesore still sits outside. The Green Eyesore is my 1984 Ford Bronco II 4X4. It's the V-6 with a weber racing carb. And it doesn't run. The car has now been parked in its place long enough for some intrepid spider to build a respectable web. Rather large and scary looking, actually.

I told my brother about the Green Eyesore. He asked what it needs to get it running. I told him a miracle. He said, "What does it need most to make it better?" I told him it needs to be rolled down a hill. It's true. I could just push the sumbitch across the highway and through the brush. It might even fall in the ocean. How lucky would that be?

I don't have a bicycle out here. My bicycle is sitting in my friend's garage in Arcadia. Technically, she lives in San Gabriel, but she literally lives right next to the "Welcome to Arcadia" sign. It's odd. I think that when I go back to visit or move, I'm going to take that sign and move it to the other side of her house. I'll increase the value of her home for her, because I'm a good friend.

So I need a job. It's coming to the point where I've got to stop dilly-dallying. I stopped at Starbucks about a week ago to get an application. As I walked across the parking lot, I stopped. I thought, "Goddamnit, I spent six years in school. I may be broke, and I may NEED a part time job, but I went to school just so I wouldn't HAVE to get a part time job at the Starbucks." I turned around and left without getting the app. It's weird. I feel I'm going back in time a bit. While friends move further into their careers, and get close to graduating from their graduate programs, I can't see myself looking for a part-time job. Not at Starbucks, at least. My mother says, "You need a job. You need the benefits, and you get free coffee, and they have good stock options." That's true. I need the benefits, and they do have good stock options. But I drink fresh Kona or Kauai coffee every day. Starbucks is lousy. Their lattes are okay, but that's about it. Their coffee tastes burnt, and I don't like those sugary crappacino bullshit iced drinks.

My dislike of their product, though, doesn't mean I don't need a job, unfortunately. Damn.

Not that I'm living TOO lavishly. I go out for a meal perhaps once or twice a week. I get a tank of gas about once every week and a half. My big expense is insurance. And since I quit my job, I have to pay my full premium--a whopping $330 per month. In about two months, I'll be eligible for a conversion so it'll go down to hopefully closer to $100 per month. There's my cell phone, too, but that's not too bad. And I prepaid my entire gym membership for the next year. Also my old car insurance. I haven't even switched it over to the Bronco yet, which is stupid. Even though the Bronco isn't running, I still am paying insurance on the Saab that I no longer even own (so as not to have a gap in coverage). All well. I guess I'll do that tomorrow. Maybe I can afford to be the poor unemployed writer for another month.

I want chicken. I want liver. Meow mix, meow mix, please deliver.

2005-11-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

Today I was somewhat upset with myself. I went to bed really early last night--around 10:30 PM. I was so tired, I couldn't think straight. I set my alarm for 5:30 AM (yes, I set my alarm every single day). Not only did I wake up at 5:30 AM, but I felt refreshed and mostly rested when I woke up. I lay there thinking, "I'll think about what I'm going to do today. I've got so much time--the WHOLE day ahead of me! The sun's not even up yet! I can close my eyes for another couple of minutes first..." And then it was 10:00 AM. I ended up sleeping almost 12 hours. Christ on a crutch.

It was a somewhat eventful night, though. It was a few of the "things that go bump in the night." Around 2 AM, I heard what sounded like an animal on the roof loose its footing, and then roll down, fall through the air, and hit the ground. It was a cat, because I heard it give a surprised, "MRrrrrreeerrr!!" It would have been funnier, but the crash was loud enough for me to be afraid that it had fallen through the ceiling. So I was up and around my apartment looking for any holes in the ceiling. My bedroom has an area that's open to the outside, but separated by reinforced screens. There's also an area like this in the kitchen. I was afraid that the cat had fallen through that.

And then, around 4, I heard some animal get caught on my front porch. My front porch is protected by a screen door. I have no idea how it got in there, but whatever it is sound like it was lost. I suddenly heard a bunch of thumping and banging. Perhaps there were two of them, and whatever they were (cats, rats, dogs, supernatural beasts) were fighting, and then it stopped. Goddamn it, it was right outside the front door. I was glad I locked the door (you know, in case they were supernatural beasts with the capability of opening doors).

I was excited today because I found brownies. I was told, "Ryan, there might be some frozen Digiorno pizzas in the upright freezer in your pantry." Yay! I never really looked in that freezer. Why not? It's there. I could use it. It is, after all, in my apartment. But I looked, and there's like four Digiorno pizzas. FOUR! And...what's this? Oh my...Today must be my lucky day...FREAKIN' BROWNIES STILL IN THE PAN IN A ZIPLOCK BAG!!. I yanked them out and went trallopping around. "Look," I exclaimed. "Brownies!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where'd you find that?"

"In the freezer. Why?"

"Uh...You might not want to eat that..."

"Why? Are they old? Oh wait..." I could tell from the look on her face as she quickly grabbed them and looked at them. "They're pot brownies, huh?"

"Uh...Maybe. Might want to go ahead and put these back in the fridge at the very bottom where you found them."

Now I want brownies, goddamnit. Not pot brownies. I want regular brownies! I love brownies. My stomach growls for brownies. I want to get high off the chocolatey goodness, and not anything else. Why do I want brownies so bad? I live in a goddamn chocolate factory. I can eat as much chocolate as I want. But brownies...brownies are different.

I went to the beach today. Hopuna. It was nice. Relaxing. Kind of boring. All well. Lazy Sunday.

I've reached a time in my life where chocolate doesn't have the same effect on me as it used to. I have a ten pound bar of chocolate not five feet from where I sit, and i don't know what to do with it. The idea of eating it is laughable. I don't even want it. I was going to send it to my mother, but you can buy the broken chunks of the ten pound Ghiradelli chocolate bars (just like this one) at Trader Joe's in the bins near the front. Why not send her something a bit more exotic. My bills are pretty exotic.

Props to voting against the Props

2005-11-08T00:29:00.000-08:00

Schwarzenegger lost on all of his ballot initiatives, thank God. When first elected, I was still in New Mexico and considered him a novelty. I didn't give a damn. Then I moved to California, and still didn't give a damn. I though it was odd to pull up a page like the California Office of Real Estate Appraiser's web page, and there's his picture at the top. Also, when I worked for the IRS and we'd receive a state document, it'd have a copy of his name and sigature in the header. I found it odd.

But then I started paying some attention to the idiotic things he said and did. I'll start with the latest action: The special election cost California taxpayers $250,000,000. Look at all those zeroes. It's funny that one of the ballot initiatives was supposed to restrain spending. I wonder what we could have done with an extra $250,000,000 sitting around? And Schwarzenegger really wanted this election to happy. Thanks, Arnie! Wish I could have been there to vote against you, but you know how it is...

What else? I believe he said some xenophobic things about our Mexican brothers who came in the country via illegal means. He basically said the borders needed to be sealed, and there's no room in California for immigrants. Yeah, this is what the Austrian-born, talking-with-an-accent motherfucker said. What a dumbfuck. I believe someone in his cabinet pointed out that he also is an immigrant, so he later apologized. He mispoke, and meant something totally different.

He fucked around with the nurse's union. It's just not wise to piss off a nurse. My sister-in-law is a nurse, and I pissed her off once; she tried to beat the shit out of me and will never allow me in their house as long as I live (well, the last part of that is a stretch of the truth, but not much). That was just ONE nurse--my brother's wife (the poor guy--HE has to live with that thing and SLEEP next to it; I'd prefer slashing my wrists with a cheese grater). I imagine that the nurse's union is like my sister-in-law times 5,000 or so. I hate her, and I'm sure I'd especially hate to deal with 5,000 of her. Blah.

And did you see Terminator 3? What the fuck was that? It was terrible compared to the first two.

I don't even know who the governor of Hawaii is. Some republican, I think. Doesn't matter, though. This state is so backwards, I can't even begin to care. It's my year-long vacation. Why should I worry about politics (unless Hawaii secedes from the union like Canada tried to)?

What island you from? 'What' ain't no island I ever heard of. Do they speak English on 'what'?

2005-11-05T16:45:00.000-08:00

I went snorkeling today at the Place of Refuge, which is about 20 or so minutes south of here. I've been snorkeling a few times now, and I notice a huge problem with touristos is that they can't LOOK at something. They have to touch it. And not fish, or coral, or anything that banal. They have to touch and fuck with the endangered turtles. Signs everywhere proclaim that this is a federal offense, and you risk a huge fine, jail, and chemical castration for fucking with the turtles.

Today, I saw a family snorkeling around. This little turtle floats gracefully to the surface to get some air, and the family starts chasing it because they want to touch it. I yelled at them, "Hey!" The mom stuck her head out of the water and gave me the same wierd look that all tourists do--the "Why are you interrupting our vacation?" look--and I told her, "It's a federal offense to touch the turtles." She looked at me skeptically (always the skeptical look), and said, "Yeah? I didn't know that." I told her it was indeed highly illegal and she and her family face a huge fine if they're caught. "Really?" Now it seemed to sort of sink in--like maybe I'm not kidding, and maybe they should interrupt their vacation to heed this advice. I told her to open her eyes and look at the signs plastered everywhere, and then I swam away because I don't think I'd be able to handle it if I watched them continue to fuck with the endangered turtle.

I can see the turtles just fine with they're swimming fifteen to twenty feet away from me. Why do people have to touch them? So they can go home and beat off to the fact that they have fucked with something that's actually endangered? Won't their Republican friends be so happy for them?

My friend, we'll say her name is Lamb Tabernacle, told me my kickboxing instructor from Pasadena and his girlfriend were in town this weekend. Lamb told them I lived here, too, so we should meet up. She emailed me their phone numbers. I called them and they told me the hotel they were at. They said it'd be cool to meet for dinner, and I agreed. So I called back yesterday evening and my kickboxing instructor, who we'll call The Hun, said, "Swing by the hotel and we'll go in the Jacuzzi, and then out to dinner." Sweet deal. Okay. Where is your hotel? "Hold on." And he passed the phone to his girlfriend. I asked where their resort was, and she said that from the airport, it's two minutes away to the north. Hmm. Two minutes. Ain't nothin' that's two minutes to the north. The closest resort north of the airport is about 30 minutes. Maybe ten minutes SOUTH of the airport? No, definitely north. Okay. Then she said it was on the 58. Hmm. I don't recall driving on a highway 58. Suspicious, I finally asked, "WHICH airport are you near?"

She said, "The Lihue Airport. We're right here."

"What island are you on?"

"Kauai."

"Shit. I'm on Big Island. You're nowhere NEAR here!"

And so I didn't get to go out to dinner tonight with the Hun and his girl. I thank Lamb for this.

Nothing Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

2005-11-03T23:15:00.000-08:00

I've been called Willy Wonka (as well as asshole, fuckhead, shitface, and dumbfuck). I was recently asked if the chocolate factory that I work and live at is anything like from the movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The answer is a huge, "No." It is nothing like Willy Wonka's factory.

In real life, the Oompa Loompas are extraordinarily hostile. Some have drug problems. Some are alcoholics. Few even show up to work on time. And if you ask them to do something, they get all bent out of shape. And their songs suck.

For instance, I played my little flute (the one that summons the Oompa Loompas), and asked, "Oompa Loompas, I accidentally spilled some chocolate on the floor. Will you clean it up please?" They sang me a song about how white people think they run the world, and how the Oompa Loompas will rise up and save the earth from the white people by savagely killing them all. Sure, they cleaned up the chocolate, but it took them a long time to do it. And I really could have done without the song.

And sometimes, when they're not being very original, they'll sing some song they think I haven't heard, and then claim it's their own--an original Oompa Loompa creation. I asked them to make a batch of chocolate, and they started singing a Beach Boys song. They thought they were being wise, but I said, "Uh...You're singing about California girls, and we're in Hawaii. And it's not even like I'm going to the beach today." So to make up for it, they sang me the theme song to Family Ties (the 80s television show). This did not make up for it, and I got a little upset. I called them all dumbass Oompa Loompa motherfuckers. That may not have been wise. All day today they made rude gestures, and I found obvious clues that they were planning to harm me (such as the shards of glass on top of my sandwich at lunch time, the stick of dynamite in the toilet, and the propane tanks they'd emptied into my apartment in the hopes that I'd light something). I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight.

We keep them on, though, because they're cheap labor and we can take the Oompa Loompa exemption on the 1120 Corporate Income Tax Return.

It's somewhat tough living in such a small town. I don't even live in the small town. I live in a suburb of Kailua-Kona, which in itself qualifies as a village in any other state. I'm amazed that they have their own radio stations, but you can hear radio stations in Maui. It doesn't matter, though, because they're all shit. They all play shitty music--either Hawaiian, commercial-laden mainstream alternative, or country. Some Hawaiian music is okay (not good, just barely tolerable). All the announcers are even bouncier and more annoying than on the mainland. And country--well, country just sucks no matter where you are. 88.1 apparently is Honolulu's NPR station. You can hear through the static just enough to know that it's an NPR station that you won't ever be able to listen to unless you fly to another fucking island.

I made macadamia nut butter today. I don't have a blender, and I really wanted to grind up some mac nuts so I could coat a fish fillet in it (rather than breading the fillet) and saute. I used my coffee grinder. And after a few seconds, I had slightly-coffee tasting macadamia nut butter. I'm kind of proud of myself, actually.

I have access to so many mac nuts. I must have eaten a pound of mac nuts today--just because I could. On the mainland, that's unheard of. It's so expensive to do that, but here, we use it in the candies and I end up eating them all the godamn time. I mean, I had enough to make mac nut butter and still have at least two pounds left laying around my kitchen. And if I finish the 2 pounds? I go get more. It's almost sickening.

UPDATE: Retirement in Hawaii

2005-11-02T01:11:00.000-08:00

It's wierd. As things happen to me, I think, "Hey, this would be great to write on my blog." And then I don't, and I write about mundane things. It's strange, actually. I see gorgeous things, and fill my time with interesting activities. Then I end up writing blogs about a piece of fruit I ate, or going to Safeway, or the wierd police cars.

But damn. I really can't get over the police cars. Hawaii County really seems to be nothing more than a corrupt Eastern European post-Communist country when you get down to it. Here, the cops are paid a hefty driving allowance to drive their own personal cars. There's some Mustangs (including a Saleen S281), Xterras, 4Runners, a fuckin' Toyota Sequoya, and even a Honda Accord. These aren't police cars. And then yesterday, I saw a shiny newish black C5 corvette idle by the restaurant I was eating at--top off, clean, polished, chrome aftermarket exhaust pipes. It was pointed out as an undercover cop; my lunch companion saw the driver was wearing a cop uniform. My point is that in these smaller, poor Eastern European countries, I imagine these ex-KGB and state security officials driving around in whatever car they want. The State pays for it, and they get to keep it. How is this different? And so few cops in so much space probably with little or no oversight, it's ripe for payoffs and paying for protection.

It sure gets dark here at night. There's no streetlights where I am. If I open my front door during a new moon and look out the front door, I cannot see a thing. Nothing. It's silent. And it's the same whether I close my eyes or keep them open. It's so trippy.

I've been making candy. Today, I made 250 pounds of chocolate covered coffee. I've just been learning. Those who I promised candy, you'll be getting it soon. It's a somewhat arduous task. They're made in 125 pound batches, and take two to two and a half hours. It's loud, and I wear a lab coat and gloves. By the end of the day, my lab coat was covered in crusted chocolate.

A strange problem is that this chocolate is all around me. The thrill has drained out of me in terms of eating this chocolate. It's always there. But yesterday was Halloween. I was reveling over eating a fun-size Twix bar. "Mmmm! Twix! I love Twix!" It's odd that 50 cents worth of candy provides more enjoyment to me now than candy that is $20 or $30 a pound.

My phone is still broken, and the new one hasn't arrived. I've been too lazy to check the messages (nobody usually calls anyway, so what's the point?). So why am I telling you this? You probably had no intention of calling me anyway, prick.

Yo

2005-10-31T01:09:00.000-08:00

I went and saw Ozomatli tonight at the Kona Brewing Company. It was fun, the beer was good, and the music was fantastic. I saw a couple of Ozomatli shows in Albuquerque, but it's been a few years. It's somewhat odd that the band is from LA, and they had a few shows while I lived there, but not once did I go to see them in their native habitat.

I only went to a couple of concerts in LA. They were usually expensive, and traffic going anywhere was so bad, I knew a concert would be worse. And yeah, one of the times I went to a concert, I said, "I'm never going to the House of Blues ever again." I got a parking ticket, and the line to get in was about an hour and a half and about a couple blocks long. What a waste. It was a band I USED to like--before the concert. Then their concert pissed me off. They announced, "We're shooting this for a DirectTV special." They actually stopped and redid songs a couple of times. And they made everyone wait for them for a long long time. And Andy Richter opened for them. Sellouts. I guess that's what happens when you get too successful. Too bad it had to happen to They Might Be Giants.

The concert tonight was cool. It was probably the least expensive concert I've ever been to. $20. That's it. No Ticketmaster convenience/sodomy fees. No extra taxes. That was it--$20. And it was open-air, and gorgeous. No clouds, perfect weather. For $12, I got two beers and a slice of pretty decent pizza. No complaints.

I've decided to try learning Java. Why not? Mac already comes with a compiler. Why not use it, right?

BRILLIANT IDEA ALERT

2005-10-26T22:38:00.000-07:00

I'm sure some of you (ie. Le) won't like this idea. However, I think it's great. It's an idea in two parts.

Part 1
You see, porn is big business in the United States. It's a $450 trillion industry, and directly and indirectly accounts for 74% of the GDP (source: 2005 Medinski American Almanac). Don't argue with those numbers. They're rock solid, completely accurate estimates based on random guesses.

Part B
And here I am in Hawaii, living next to lots of chocolate. When I'm at home, I'm literally no more than 15 feet from 500 pounds of melted chocolate. You are correct; that IS a lot of chocolate.

Okay, and everyone likes chocolate.

My idea: CHOCOLATE PORN! This is where I find a couple of Hawaiian bimbos (or fly in a couple of starving 'actresses' from the Valley), cover the floor with garbage bags, pour melted chocolate on the floor (which comes out at body temperature, so it's not like anybody will be walking out of here with 3rd degree burns), turn on the cameras, and prepare to make jillions of dollars.

The plan is that the girls will wrestle and do naughty things in the chocolate. It's better than mud wrestling, because it's CHOCOLATE! I'm a genius.

It's a rock solid plan, because there's no competition. There's no porn monopoly here. Distribution might be difficult, but we'll figure it out. I'll be the founder of the Hawaiian Chocolate Porn industry.

Who's in?

Bugs 'n Shit

2005-10-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

I noticed something about this place. It's hard not to notice, actually. It's like noticing the sky is black at night and blue during the day, or noticing that the ocean is visible from probably about 90% of the habitable parts of this island: bugs. There are bugs everywhere. Big motherfuckers.

I hate bugs.

What do I hate more than just bugs? Let's get away from the umbrella of bugs and focus on a couple things. We'll start with roaches. They're huge here. It's like some asshole's science project that went out of control. They're abnormally huge. Here, they're referred to as B-52s. I was looking in an old box of stuff that hadn't been touched in about 9 months. It had been in storage. I saw a motherfucking cockroach, running around. I could have puked.

Then I saw a centipede. Then it met the bottom of my sandal--about ten or so times until I was completely sure it was dead. Big motherfucker. I'm sure it could have killed me, but I snuck up on it. I had the element of surprise. You should read Sun Tzu's The Art of War to learn how to successfully fight the bugs.

I saw a ghastly terrible movie the other day called Code 46. It was bizarro speculative science fiction. It was odd, because it was so unbelievably bad, it was like I wasn't really watching this. Was the man in Shawshank Redemption and Mystic River in a movie so bad, I would have expected it as a vehicle from a porn actor trying to make it in legitimate films?

Something that always boggled my mind up until a week and a half ago was that no matter where I was (for the most part), I could drive almost anywhere. My driveway led to the president's driveway, the road in front of my favorite Albuquerque barbeque place (Quarter's) meandered its way to the Canadian prime minister's house, and the street in front of my apartment could lead straight into Daryl or Bill Gates's driveways (even though they're not related). It was something almost cosmic, communal--something that made our huge, unfriendly nation somehow close. But here, I'm on an island, separated by thousands of miles of water. It makes me feel kind of small.

Nobody cares. Perhaps I've bored you tonight. Perhaps you can go fuck a duck.

UPDATE ON THE SENATE INQUIRY

2005-10-23T12:49:00.001-07:00

In the last couple of days, my credibility has been challenged. Due to the recent Senate inquiry, the truth has come out: I'm on the payrolls of the Hawaii Tourism Board, as well as the Hawaiian Coffee Commission. This is how I've been able to afford living on this island with no "job."

Meanwhile, people think my writing will suffer because now I'm "at peace" and have nothing to complain about. Are you kidding? Now I worry almost constantly about what the fuck I'm going to do in 9 or 12 months when I get back to the mainland. Where am I going to go? What am I going to do? How am I going to explain away taking a year to fuck around in Hawaii. That sounds like the pinnacle of irresponsibility. "Do we really want you working for us? You graduated college, worked for a year, and then spent a year fucking around in Hawaii? Does it say here that you spent SIX YEARS at the same college?"

I think I'd like to be rich, but how one goes about doing that is beyond me. Supposedly, Paul Allen has a house here on the big island (actually not far from here). I hear he has at least two jets--one of them a Boeing 757. I can't even afford an interisland plane ticket. What do I have to do to become rich? And yeah, yeah--everyone says you do what you enjoy and the money will follow. Hell, I said that, too, but I think enjoyment would definitely board with you every time you stepped onto that 757.

I have to care, anymore, too. My father sold it after I left Phoenix, so it's not like I'll be able to drive around that easily without a car. And since I plan on spending every cent I have while I'm here, I'm more likely to come back and be homeless and carless.

Fuck it. I'm going to the beach.

UPDATE ON THE SENATE INQUIRY

2005-10-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

Island Life

2005-10-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

I ate fresh bananas yesterday. I eat them when I can. You see, bananas grow on trees. I'd always thought they were made in a factory and dumped at the grocery store. Somehow, Ralph's had one of these banana factories.

But no! You can pick them off trees and eat them. They're quite tasty.

I had a delicious latte yesterday. It was up at my uncle's friend's house at an elevation of 2000 feet. It's not connected to municipal water supplies, and he's "off the grid"--as in the electrical grid. It's powered by solar panels and gas generators. Amazing. More amazing was that the latte machine was fully powered by one of these generators. I guess it's not so different from cranking up your Honda and driving to the Starbucks, except he's cranking up a generator and the lattes this man made made Starbucks taste like horse urine. Not that I drink horse urine. Not on a regular basis, at least.

Island life is a bit slower than LA life, so I'll probably post a bit less often. What choice do I have? I could discuss the fuckin' asshole drivers who drive WAY too slow or those who drive way too fast. I could talk about the shithead local boys that tailgate. But come on--those aren't exciting.

Tomorrow, I plan on going to the beach, and then the gym. That was the plan for today, but I got lazy.

Those of you expecting more pictures, you'll have to wait a little longer. I'm lazy.

Good Night, Rooster.

2005-10-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

So I've been here a few days now. I'm still not settled in, yet. Living in Kona after LA is about as close as you can get to living in a different country without whipping out the old passport (which I need to renew anyway).

I live right in the middle of the only area in the United States where coffee is grown. It's somewhat remote. The closest town is Kailua-Kona--with a population so small, I don't know if anybody ever cared to count it. There's a Walmart, K-mart, Macy's, Safeway, Borders, and a couple of movie theaters, as well as a plethora of resorts and the international airport. The town I'm in is Kealakekua. It's not so much a town as an area with a name. And that name again (in case you weren't paying attention) is Kealakekua. Say out loud. You can't, can you? You think you can, but you can't. I can't. People here can pronounce it, which is good. It's pronounced kay-al-uck-cake-OO-a.

The coffee has been phenomenal. The coffee I drink in the morning is like nothing I could ever afford at home. It's fresh. The coffee farmers and processors actually bring it over here to the business for it to be chocolate covered, and there's enough extra to make some pots of really amazing coffee.

The biggest road here is smaller than the smallest roads in Pasadena. It's one highway that circles the island. Everything is off the highway. The airport is a direct shot from where I am right now. It's about eight traffic lights away down the highway--about a 25 to 30 minute drive. The most amazing beach I've ever seen in my entire life is only about 45 minutes away.

I'm Mr. Touristo, here. I don't look local, and I definitely don't talk like a local. A) I talk in complete sentences, B) I'm not covered in tattoos (a Hawaiian custom), and C) I'm not extraordinarily hostile for no reason. Yes, the natives seem a tad hostile sometimes--usually on the road. But maybe it's just me.

Being here, I've started really looking at my trips to the supermarket and chain stores in a different light. Granted, I prefer to give my money to the local business rather than an internationally powerful corporation based in the Bermuda (an oft used tax shelter). But here, I walk into the Safeway, and suddenly I'm thousands of miles away on the mainland. It's comfortable because I'm used to it. I also went to Borders yesterday; as I walked around, I felt I could have been at the Border's in Pasadena on Lake Avenue. I'm not saying I don't like being here. I'm saying that sometimes it makes me feel normal to walk into a familiar place.

Ahhh, I hear a rooster. Cockfighting is big here. The thing keeps cock-a-doodling over and over. This must mean it's getting late, or something, since it is past 11 (or almost 2 on the West Coast). It also means I'm out in the middle of nowhere.

Meanwhile, if you want to see some pics, check out the photos at www.myspace.com/medinski.

Aloha

2005-10-16T12:11:00.000-07:00

I flew into Kona yesterday after about 14 hours of travelling. I got to Phoenix International Sky Harbour around 8 PM on 10/14/2005. I checked in two heavy, unwieldy suitcases completely jam-packed with all of my stuff. On top of those, I carried my laptop and a large carry-on packed with more stuff, and I wore my jacket. I wore the jacket so I wouldn't have to pack it, but it doesn't count as a carry-on.

My first flight left at about 9:30 PM and got to Las Vegas around 10:30 PM. I claimed my baggage (huge suitcases) and pushed them around, until I found out that I had to go to Terminal Two to get to my Hawaiian Airlines flight. I got on the Terminal Shuttle and was bussed over to another terminal--which was far enough to seem like I was actually going to a different airport. There, I checked in at the Hawaiian counter for my 2 AM flight to Honolulu. I rechecked my baggage. In Honolulu, I changed planes and waited about an hour for my flight to Kona International Airport. I arrived at 8:15 in the morning--still towards the start of the Ironman competition.

On the way from the airport, we saw bicyclists hurtling along in the opposite direction. Huge chunks of the highway were closed for the competition. I snapped a few pictures that I'll post later.

So, here I am. Hawaii. The air is so clean, and it just smells fresh.

To those who I promised chocolate, it shouldn't be too much longer.

Fucked in the ass by Apple

2005-10-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I leave for Hawaii. How bizarre.

Tonight, I went to a place called VooDoo Daddy's Magic Grill here in Phoenix. Cajun food--freakin' awesome. I got these sweet potato fries that tasted like cinammon cookies. Each fry tasted like I was biting into a big, tasty cinammon cookie--I shit you not. Then the waiter offered up that they taste better when dipped in the bourbon chocolate sauce generally used on top of their pecan pie. So I dipped those fries in the sauce, and I'll be damned if I didn't almost shit my pants in shock. Dessert fries.

And for Christ's sake, the Goddamn new iMac G5 came out yesterday. My dad just got his about ten days ago. So here they are, stuck with the old model. At first, I was concerned that they could have a better iMac G5 with even more features. My mom then told me that they're not going to figure everything out anyway, so it doesn't quite matter if they have the old one or new one. This iMac is supposed to be my dad's, after all, and he treats it more like a $2,000 novelty item. I came in the other day, and he was checking his email--on my mom's Windows PC. Jesus.

I feel Apple fucked us a bit. My dad bought this Goddamn iMac G5--supposed to be the latest and greatest. Then what happens? They bring out a new one, and retire the old one. Refurbished G5's equipped like my dad's are about $600 less than what he paid. Fucking assholes.

Today I should have packed, but I played a computer game. It's very hard to find computer games for Mac. Most stores don't have them. I found Max Payne at Half Price Books for only $8, so I bought it. And today, I should have packed, but instead played that fucking game all afternoon. I didn't even swim in the pool.

Fuuuuck. Tomorrow, I leave. I feel quite unprepared. Goodbye, mainland America.

I talked to my uncle in Hawaii. I told him I felt odd about moving to an island. It's a big move. He said that every continent is an island, so that should make me feel better. True. Australia is an island, but I think it's different. I mean, a rowboat and the QE2 are both sea-going vessels, after all.

Good New Mexican Food

2005-10-12T00:22:00.000-07:00

I returned from St. Louis on Saturday. My friend came to visit me in Phoenix. What a lovely week.

We ate at a few different places, and took in the sights and sounds that Arizona had to offer. I miss New Mexico--my home. This is where I lived for a long time, went to school, etc. I am finding Arizona to be a cross between New Mexico and Southern California. New Mexico doesn't have palm trees or In 'n Out Burger, but Arizona and LA do. However, Arizona and New Mexico have Walmart Supercenters and Sonic Drive-Ins; LA does not.

I really needed some New Mexican food, so we ate at a place called Richardson's here in Phoenix near my parent's. Pitiful. It is supposed to be this really great New Mexican food, but I found it bland and the service was fucking terrible. Had I set to work making my own meal (including killing and preparing the chicken for my burrito), I'd have done it faster than these fuckers had served us. It wasn't anything at all like real New Mexican food. It was a sham. It was terrible. Even the decor was shitty. I figured I'd see at LEAST a New Mexico flag somewhere, but--alas!--no.

The next day (yesterday), we went to Jerome, AZ about two hours north. It's a ghost town--a former copper mining community. It's extremely beautiful. Once there, we ate at Mile High Cafe. The food there, though not advertised as New Mexican, was more New Mexican than Richardson's. I got a big-ass quesadilla with green chile in it that was just out of this world. I love Jerome, though--and not just for the food. It's an old, beautiful town at the top of a mountain. Many of the buildings up there stretch back in time to when Arizona was a territory, and nobody knew that the copper mine would one day be depleted.

After Jerome, we went to Sedona to see the Wallace and Gromit movie. I loved it. Go see this movie, and do so in Sedona. Sedona's an extremely lovely town with a lot of charm as long as you stay away from the very touristy parts (East Sedona).

On the drive back from Sedona, we saw a Mexican place I remember from Albuquerque called Los Betos. It was behind some gas station somewhere in the middle of nowhere between Sedona and I-17. The one in Albuquerque was at a prominent intersection and was busy 24 hours a day. Here it was the opposite. How strange.

Meanwhile, I leave for the island on Friday and I'll arrive Sunday morning. Oh dear.

Sometimes pronounced "mysery"

2005-10-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

I'm in St. Louis, Missouri. Missouri. Where they still ask, "Smoking or non?" It's a wierd question. You see, in civilized states such as New Mexico and California, there is no choice because smoking inside a public place is against the law. In butt-fucked-in-the-head heavily Republican states, they still ask that question because it's legal to give yourself and those around you lung cancer. Not that I dislike Missouri. Which I do. I do like St. Louis, though. It's a very nice city that I wouldn't mind living in. Very historic. But the rest of Missouri--you can have it. The Ozarks? No thanks.

I'm here for my grandmother's funeral. She was a very cool woman, but a horrible driver. The funeral is on Friday. She had cancer. Light a Yahrzeit candle for her. It's especially strange, also, in that her death happened on Rosh Hashnnah--the holiest of holy days. Score one for grandma's timing. She would have been proud.

I'll have to update my blog later. There's not much time right now. Patience is a virtue, asshole.

Can I borrow at least $100,000 (but less than $200,000)?

2005-10-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

My stay in Phoenix so far has been pretty good. I have to do chores, again, like when I was in high school. 4 AM. Feed the cattle. There aren't many--just ten. Ten small cows.

These are Siberian Minor Cows. My father purchased these things to graze the family compound more as a novelty. My parents don't need the milk. Both my mom and dad are lactose intolerant. The cows don't seem to know that, though. They sure do shit a lot. Each cow is only about two to three feet tall, and my dad put these stupid cowbells on each of them.

"Cows," my dad said, lovingly staring at each one. "They just make this place feel like home. Now go get a bucket and a shovel so you can scoop their shit."

"Dad, come on. Isn't it time to get rid of the cows?"

But he already walked away. At half past four, he goes and practices his hand-to-hand combat in the north wing of the house. At seven, he leaves for work. He's a pharmacist.

It's wierd being in Arizona after LA. LA is like no other place on earth. The streets are congested with too many people and too much traffic. The air has a slight brown tinge at best, and is opaque white at its worst. But the LA weather--nothing beats the LA weather.

Funny, though, that the home prices in Southern Cali are so expensive. Driving east on the 10 out of LA, there's more and more billboards advertising new housing developments with strange, generic names. "HOUSES FROM THE $600k's! Come see the CLEMSON RANCH LAKE HOUSING COMMUNITY!" and "LAKESIDE TOWNHOMES FROM THE LOW-400k's, ONLY AT TREBEDOUR MEADOWS HOUSING COMMUNITY!" and more. The billboards get closer and closer together, and more and more housing developments appear out in the middle of nowhere until you hit desert. Blythe. There's some housing developments, but not many. I mean, it's Blythe for Christ's sake. Then you get about 70 miles out of Phoenix, and there's the same types of billboards, but there's a huge pricing disparity. "NEW SUN LAKE HOMES FROM THE 100k's!" Housing for under $200,000? I thought it didn't exist anymore.

Granted, no matter where you are in Southern California, you're closer to a beach than in Arizona. But how much is the beach worth, even if you're on the edge (or in) the desert?

The pool on the south lawn is calling me. I may go riding on one of my dad's Clydesdales later, but he's grown really suspicious of these horses. He claims they're walking advertisements for a certain beer. Whatever.

No orange trees

2005-10-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

Five hours later, I'm sitting in my parent's Phoenix residential compound (main house). They've removed the orange trees since my last visit.

"Orange trees are unAmerican," my father said. These days, he is rarely without a Cold War-era AK-47 or his 9-mil Sig. Even the orange juice in the fridge is a strange non-juice--a low-carb version of orange juice.

Traffic getting here was better than I could hope for. The highways were almost unpopulated, and my speed rarely dropped below 80. I only got 28 miles per gallon this trip, but I figure the added weight of all of my personal possessions crammed into the back couldn't have helped. All well, it took less than a tank of gas to get from LA to Phoenix (more about 2/3s of a tank), so that's not too bad.

My apartment is a thing of the past. Technically, I'm homeless. My possessions are scattered among my friend's garage, another friend's apartment, and the trunk of my car. I will likely end up taking perhaps five to ten percent of my possessions with me to Kona.

Hey, guess what. The Ironman competition is on October 15th. The one day I choose to fly into Kona is October 15th--purely a freak accident. They close the freeway for the Ironman, so I imagine I'll be waiting at the airport for many hours before I'll be able to get to my new home.

I'll post pictures when the time is right (that's when I find the Godddamn USB cord to hook my computer to the camera).

People v. Michael Chia

2005-09-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

So as previously mentioned, jury duty ended in the case of the People of the State of California v. Michael Chia. It was rough. I think that the most tense moments of my life were during the reading of the verdict: guilty on two counts of first degree murder, attempted murder, robbery, and conspiracy. The defendant, Michael Chia, was involved in a plan to rob a couple of drug dealers, and then kill them. Turns out the drug dealers were undercover DEA agents. Out of three DEA agents, only one survived. He even testified at the trial.

It was amazing to see so many people in a court room--silent, except for the crying as the verdicts were read. I was expecting more sound--more noise. Perhaps celebration on the part of the prosecution, the amassed DEA agents, everyone? No.

Obviously, Chia's family was upset. The defense attorney was, as well. The jury requested both attorneys meet with us afterwords, and the defense attorney looked like he was waking up to a nightmare. We asked if he was satisfied with the decision, and he said he wasn't at all. He said he was devastated.

It was rough because the defendant didn't pull the trigger. He wasn't even at the shooting. By the time of the shooting, he was probably a few miles away. But he was part of a semi-organized rip-off plan. The guy was only 20 years old when he did it. It was a retrial, too. The events (and the original trial) happened in 1988 here in Pasadena. Even though he didn't pull the trigger, and it's been 17 years, it was established he had an active role in the plan. He had, at the very least, a minor part. Defense tried establishing that he was only there to protect his friend, William Wang. Wang actually was one of the two people to shoot the DEA agents. However, Chia knew he was providing protection for Wang, and he knew the plan. Chia had several roles in the plan (including countersurveillance).

RYAN'S CRIME TIP:
If you plan on taking part in a robbery--perhaps providing a getaway car, or providing countersurveillance--DON'T use a flashy car. Mike Chia (defendant) used a little, shiny black sports car. It stood out, and was entirely easy to spot.

Read about the case here from the LA Times.

Jury Duty is OVER

2005-09-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

Jury duty is over, and I'm now allowed to talk about the case. We came up with the verdict this afternoon.

It was a pretty rough murder trial involving drugs, conspiracy, robbery. I'm exhausted. I'll write more about it later.

One Week

2005-09-22T23:35:00.000-07:00

I've got one week left here. Bizarre. Am I packed? Not quite. Even somewhat? No. Shit.

Tonight I went and saw Constant Gardener with my friend. The preview for this was far better than the actual film. Hell, the previews before THIS movie were better than the movie itself. It was full of cliches. I could almost guess what the characters were going to say next, just because of the extensive use of cliches and unoriginal characters. It ended up being a propaganda film with the obvious message, "Big pharmacy companies are ruining the world and will kill everyone to make a cent!" Yes, the exclamation point is a part of that. It was really overcooked Hollywood buffoonery (though it was British).

I felt tremors today. I was sitting in the courtroom (jury duty) listening to one of the lawyers. I was fading off in the direction of sleepiness...eyes falling shut, difficult to pay attention, warm...And then I felt something. It felt like someone tapped the floor beneath my chair. It was a small jolt, and I felt it a few more times. I sat bolt-upright in my chair and I bugged my eyes out. I looked around the room to see if anyone was about to panic. No, not quite. But the lawyer who was talking looked at me with a strange look--one that said, "Yeah, of course I just said something important, but it's not THAT crazy." It kept happening throughout the day.

I asked the other jurors about earthquakes. You see, I think it would be reasonable that there'd be sirens--Earthquake Alarms, if you will. I figured that someone would ring these alarms--think air-raid sirens--during an earthquake. However, they said usually the point of alarms is to WARN people of an impending disaster. Earthquakes last 10 to 15 seconds, so there's really no way to warn anybody--so they say.

My brother has it worse. He's in Houston with his wife. He boarded up the windows today on their house. 70 miles inland, and we were getting nervous. However, the hurricane turned east, so it'll probably hit the Louisiana-Texas border. Galveston may be hit, and actually stands a good chance. Odd, because I wanted to move there before moving to California. I was living in Houston, and was trying to find a job that would take me close enough to be able to buy a house in Galveston. In Galveston, you can still buy a waterfront house for less than $200,000--try that in California.

Anyway, we're pretty worried about Houston. Most businesses have closed, and there's sooo many people on the road that evacuation is no longer a choice. My sister-in-law said it took their friends that drove from Pearland to downtown Houston seven hours. That's seven hours for 30 miles. And From Houston to Austin? 128 miles. 10 hours. Yowsah!

I feel pretty bad for the Katrina victims. I can't see Houston flooding as bad as New Orleans, but many are already traumatized--already getting over the biggest disaster of their lives, and now this.

Too Tired

2005-09-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

I've gotten shittier and shittier at posting to my blog. I have no excuse.

I got the sweetest laptop bag mailed to me way from Fluffy in Australia. It's super sweet. I'm loving it. It's blue with orange accent. I've seriously never seen a laptop bag like this before. Check out the web page: www.crumpler.com.au. I'm loving it. It's padded and fits my 12" iBook perfectly. Fuck the laptop bags from the Apple Store. They're overpriced and they all look the same. This is sweet. I'll put a picture up if I get my camera working again.

Jury duty continues. I can't talk about the case, though. The judge bought the jury cake today, though. That was really nice of her.

As the case continues, it appears more and more like a long, drawn out play involving all elements of theater (or theatre): there's comedy, drama, highs, lows. There's several players and the complexity of a serious plot. The judge is the director of the show and the court clerk is like the stage manager. There's an audience, but the jury is a box of critics. The players all play towards the jury. The attorneys are the stars of the shows, with supporting actors propping up their performance (the witnesses). There's many breaks, and a long intermission for lunch. And the jurors, I've noticed, have started treating it like a long drawn out story--a mini-series.

The other day, one of the attorneys made an objection to a point brought up by the other attorney. He called an objection, and fired off his reason for the objection (ie. "Objection. Vague as to time."). And then, before the judge could answer, he yelled out, "Sustained." And then, as if reaching for another reason to call an objection, yelled out another, different reason for the objection, "Uh...Facts not in evidence." There was a long silence. The judge looked at him, and we all looked around at each other confused at why the attorney had sustained his own objection. Then we laughed at him, and I kept laughing throughout the day.

Tuesday. It's already Tuesday. It feels like I JUST posted my last post yesterday. Time flies, and it needs to stop. I need to pack my apartment! Oh my God!!!

My friend, Kathryn Allen, just got published. Check out her bitchin' poem at www.thefurnacereview.com. Don't be a fuckin' asshole. Check out the poem. She's working on her MFA in creative writing in Washington. I want an MFA in creative writing...

I'm so tired. I'm always tired. That's partially why I don't post so much anymore. I'm soooo tired most of the time.

Hey, check out this sweet video. This guy is dared to drink a bottle of Ipecac (an emitic) for $500 and then puke on the ground. My brother called me and told me to watch it. I was sickened not by the video so much as the fact that my brother thought it was hilarious. He's one sick fuck. Of course, I proceeded to show the video to my parents when they came to town, my special friend, my cousin, a couple friends, and my uncle. I even told all the jurors about the video. Is HE still the sick fuck?

At the laundromat...

2005-09-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I told you that I broke the washer at my complex the other day. There's one washer and one dryer for the complex, and apparently I broke it. That was about Wednesday or so. So I kept my soggy, unwashed laundry in my apartment until today. I wanted to culture some bacteria, and that accompanying smell was fantastic--like something clawing its way through my nostrils.

So I'm doing the laundry today at the laundromat. I brought my laptop. I'm easily amazed by Technology (that's with a capital 'T'). I'm sitting here, the thing's not plugged in, and I'm using a wireless connection. The Laundromat actually has a wireless connection, but the guy didn't know how to make it work with my laptop. However, that didn't matter because the Christian Center across the street has a strong enough signal to work on this thing. So the Christians are giving me free wireless internet. I should stop saying the Christians have contributed nothing to society, and have given me nothing. See? Wireless internet.

Court was pretty bad today. At lunch, I rubbed my eye and my contact fell out; it's gone forever, because I lost it. The lawyers and the judge--even the other jurors--thought I was tired and about to fall asleep. I guess me experiencing severe eye pain looks like I'm about to fall asleep.

I booked my plane ticket to Hawaii yesterday. I'll be flying out later than I wanted, but all well. I saved about $170 by flying out a few days later. I figured it was worth it. Who knows, though?

Hey, you ever eat Bimbo bread? It's an actual brand of bread and bread products. Bimbo. I think it's more of a Mexican thing (as in, they seem to be bigger fans). Perhaps in Spanish, Bimbo doesn't mean floozy. In fact, that should be their ad campaign targeted to the non Spanish-speaking crowd: "Bimbo. It's not just a cheap floozy who'll give you a hand job for $5. It's good bread." Or perhaps, "Bimbo Bread. So good, yet we won't leave a rash in your nether-regions."

I remember growing up in rural Mexico. Those were happier times...I'd ride the family's donkey to school. And then I'd stop by my friend Paco's and we'd play our favorite game, Rob the American Tourist...

Soon I'll be in Hawaii. Oh my God. And then what?

Ping--my outsourced blog-writer--has been hired away from me to write copy for the Republican Party. That's a recipe for disaster. Once they introduce a shred of competence, this country will go down the toilet--haven't they LEARNED?! He offered a no-bid contract, and they immediately accepted.

More of Ping's Piece

2005-09-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

I just booked my tickets for my Big Move to Hawaii. I plan on heading out to Phoenix around the 1st or 2nd of October. My original plan was to fly to Hawaii around the 9th or so (perhaps earlier, but no later than the 11th). However, the ticket turned out to be cheapest if I fly out the night of the 14th. I'll arrive in Kona on the morning of the 15th.

I quit my job. My manager asked if I wanted to take my same job in Hawaii. After a few days of thinking about it, I decided that this was a horrible idea. Odd, isn't it? One of the biggest reasons for moving to Hawaii was to escape my job. It sucks. It's boring. I'd rather stick my nuts in a vice and crank until I pass out than to spend any more time than I have to on my job. I aspire to get a job at Home Depot.

What happened to my drive and ambition? Home Depot? Do you realize there was a time in my life (early college) when I wanted to be a nuclear engineer. There was another time I wanted to be a lawyer. And now, I'm aiming for a part time job at a large home improvement chain. What happened? Let's review:
* I've always been drug-free
* I drink infrequently
* I'm educated, and enjoy learning
* Never ate paint chips
Well? I don't know.

The court case is going alright. It's possibly almost over, but I'm not holding my breath. When I get bored, I play Hangman with the juror next to me. I guessed 'California' with just seeing the I's and the A's, but couldn't figure November. She couldn't guess three of my words: Panama Canal, tuberculosis, and jury duty. I figured she'd be able to get 'jury duty.'

Meanwhile, I'm working on a CD with my neighbor. I did vocals, he did guitar. I won't go into too much detail, but it took like an hour just to do two songs. What the heck? All well, you've got to spend time to make platinum, right?

Right.

PING'S PIECE
I like computer when allowing to use by me. Other times not write blog make shoe. Shoe I make for American devils. Kill the devils of America. Fear of swimming pool orange juice. But I love swim of pool. When allow to eat of food horse and styrofoam. I use foot of dead horse pillow sleeping on. Smell of nose is not of nice good smell. But pillow. Chain to wall computer next to me I blog write. Food if do good. King Devil of world Ryan he is. Ask by village idiot stupid why I do blog. I NEW idiot of village. He laugh. Kick to testacles of idiot of village. I kick.

I'm a shithead.

2005-09-13T01:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I don't post so often anymore. I'm considering outsourcing my blog production. I'm going to get a kid in a Third World country to write the bulk of my posts. I'll write SOME of each blog post from now on.

First, I'll tell you I quit my job. I put in my two week's notice. My manager cried because she's sad to see me go. Many of my coworkers were aware of my sentiments, so it wasn't too much of a shock to most of them. Some of them it was.

My brother just sold his lawnmower and weed trimmer on eBay. USED. Not new. And in the pictures, they didn't even look that nice. He told me he listed them, and I howled with laughter. I told him he was too fucking lazy to push them out to the garbage can, so he took pictures and put them on eBay. On each post, he put, "For local pick-up ONLY." So what I did, I went on and started bidding on the mower and the weed trimmer. I wanted to bid like five bucks, win the auction, and then NOT pick them up. THEN, he'd have to repost the items. On top of that, I wouldn't pay him. Because I'm a dick. My mother would tell me to, and maybe I would end up paying him, but it'd be worth it. I mean, Maternal Payment Enforcement. That'd be funny. That, of course, was my plan when the bidding was still below ten bucks. I thought I'd win with my $6 bid on each. The mower ended up selling for $60. The fucking USED weed trimmer? $97. He sold these used lawn items--obviously not new, and the mower in need of repair (plain to see in the pictures) for a combined $157. What is wrong with this world?

All right, as promised I'll now turn it over to Ping. He lives in the small country of Xiejgihlkdkjgeristan. Their main industry is seeking out foreign aid from other wealtheir Third World countries. Their biggest export is hunger. He just learned English a few days ago, so it's a bit rough.

PING'S PIECE
I Ping am boy small. 12 years old. Dad caught riding bull king Onion Man. Now sell sex self to man until blog write today. This is happy fun! When began write food chained to waste excrement not fun. America people evil demon people Ray Romano. When girl pregnant I sell to market large pig abortion trade. This is happy fun! In factory people whipping cream. Naughty! Not happy fun. Coldness showers until wake up. In my country the fondness of horse pie yell sleeping orange. You feel too? American you create evil of world? We trade kidney and lung and three fingers foot right for clean water gallon to drink of. This is happy fun! We run to water swim. Swim! I love!

The Wheels are in Motion...

2005-09-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is a big day at work: I put in my two weeks notice. Today I was "sick" so I could go get my car looked at in Santa Monica.

It was such a beautiful day. I mean, don't think I don't feel guilty when I call in "sick." So I went to the doctor's office and asked for something--some sort of unnecessary treatment so I could at least have done SOMETHING involving medicine. I paid the woman behind the counter ten bucks to do something, so she drew some blood for me. She insisted she had no medical training, and was simply the receptionist. Blood is blood, though. She got it out, so that's what matters. I suppose it serves no medical purpose for it to have dripped all over the floor, but so what? I can honestly tell my boss that I did something medical-related.

Not that it matters. As I said, tomorrow I put in my two weeks notice. I spent today in Santa Monica. Saab of Santa Monica says my car needs a new turbocharger. "Wait, wait. You're saying my car needs a NEW turbocharger? WHY?!"

"Wear and tear," the guy said. "They sometimes just wear out. It's covered under warranty (and California emissions laws)."

"How could it wear out? Did I drive it wrong?"

"No," he said. "I mean, it DOES have 61,000 miles (almost 100,000 km). Sometimes, the turbo lasts forever. Sometimes they wear out."

Well shit. This is news to me. I thought a car with 61,000 miles was just getting broken in. Hell's bells, I didn't think something like this was supposed to go until about 150,000 miles. But I don't have to pay for it, so they can twin turbocharge it for all I car.

Meanwhile, on a car related note, I saw a Bugatti Veyrton as I left Trader Joe's today. That's an insane car. As far as I know, it's the most expensive production car on the market. That's right, somewhere in the neighborhood of $1,300,000 (about a million euros). That's a house in Pasadena, or a small subdivision in Katy, Texas. As it drove by me, it had a sound like nothing I'd ever heard before. I believe it was the aural equivalent of mixing a fleet of Kawasaki Ninjas, a high-speed blender, a Lear jet, and elephant testacles. Wow. It was something that has to be heard.

How Do I Quit?
I'm trying to figure out how to write my two week's notice letter. I'm trying to choose from among the following:

Option 1
"Dear Ms. Penderginski,

Went out. I'll be back in five minutes. If not five minutes, then probably never.

Sincerely,

Ryan Medinski"

Option 2
"Dear Ms. Penderginski,

Two weeks sure may seem like a long time, unless you pay me two weeks wages and let me leave right now.

Sincerely,

The Noisiest Asshole in Existence"

Option 3
"Dear Ms. Penderginski,

I haven't done any work in three and a half months. I spend my days playing with myself and stealing office supplies. I am giving you this--my two weeks fucking notice--before you fire me."

Sincerely,

Ryan Medinski"

Option 4
"Dear Ms. Penderpoophead,

I'm going to take this chance to not only give you my two weeks notice, but to tell you I plan on using your office as my own personal bathroom.

Sincerely,

Ryan Medinski"

Option 5
(On corporate letterhead of some other company)

"Dear Ms. Penderginski,

I got another job. I've been working there for four months. I'm surprised you didn't notice the change in my job performance. I thought I already quit, but I kept getting paychecks. Please continue sending the paychecks, but don't keep asking me about my progress on various cases.

Sincerely,

Ryan Medinski"

The lord commands it...

2005-09-07T00:10:00.001-07:00

The Lord commands you to post a comment, or you shall suffer eternal damnation.

Big-ass Cock

2005-09-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

Today was a strangely lovely day. I was surprised. I was expected to be yelled at by my boss. After all, I took two sick days and I'm way, way behind in my work. I left shit in my desk, forgot about it, and now it sort of returned today to bite me in the ass. And yet, things didn't seem to be too bad.

My special lady friend sent me a surprise gift today at work. I heard, "Someone's looking for Ryan." I was going to duck out and run--no shit. If someone's looking for me, it's usually a fucking taxpayer. And I don't like meeting with taxpayers (READ: I don't like to do my job). I knew that they'd find me if I ran anyway, so I went to my manager's office. They were about to hunt me down.

"Ryan, there's someone out there with a gift for you."

Oh, Goddamnit. Usually that means that someone's waiting in the hall, and they're really mad. Usually, they've tried calling and calling, and nobody's called them back. In my case, I rarely return calls or answer my phone anymore. The phone HAD just rung about 3 or 4 times, and I'd ignored it (I covered my ears and turned the volume down so I couldn't hear it ring). I figured, "Damnit, whoever was trying to call me was calling to say they're here in the building."

I asked if the person seemed angry.

"Ryan, they have a gift."

"What was their name so I can go get their case file?"

I was dragged into the hall to a guy holding a gift basket. I thought it was for someone else, but he said it was for me. And they asked for me by my employee number. "Hmmm...Why did a taxpayer send me a gift basket?" But there were so many yummy looking treats: cookies, cupcakes, brownies. Mmmm-mmm, bitch! I signed for it and walked back in, and saw the package was from my very special lady friend.

And then everyone was all over me like ants on shit. "Hey, open that up. Share the wealth. Who sent you that? WHAT?! A girl sent that to you? Why?" And since it said HAPPY BIRTHDAY all over it, everyone thought it was my birthday. People started wishing me happy birthday, though my birthday isn't until January.

It was great, though, because the gift basket came with two party hats, candles, a ribbon (to tie the gift basket together), and a couple of balloons. I inflated the ballons and shoved them down the back of my shirt (the front wouldn't be PC), and put the hats on my head. I walked around chastising everyone else for being unprofessional. It was fun. This actually took up a great portion of my day.

Gas is getting very expensive. I noticed some of my coworkers are trading sex for gasoline. At least, they're trying. They seem to be walking.

I seized my coworker's desk today, and all her possessions. She wasn't at work today, so I put IRS Seized stickers on everything. She can't get it back unless I have it released. Or if she just removes the stickers. She'll probably do the lattert, and then likely will yell at me.

So, tomorrow is my last solid day of work. Thursday, I'm "sick." Friday, I put in my notice. Damn. It's all happening so fast.

PC Castration

2005-09-05T14:56:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I left a post. I hope you aren't angry. I shall post more now. It's just that I bought an iBook. I've converted. I've fallen victim to the Apple Switch campaign. This is a good thing, of course. But in moving to Mac from PC, it's taken some getting used to. Hence, a few days without blog posts.

I got the 12" iBook. It's sweet. All I need is a bag to carry it in. It has wireless (though I haven't a wireless router) and Bluetooth (though I have no Bluetooth-enabled devices). I'm loving this thing.

I'd like to get a Bluetooth-enabled coffeemaker. This would be great. I could adjust the settings to the coffeemaker on my PC and upload them. That'd be so sweet: I could fine tune the coffeemaker to make the perfect cup of coffee. And then I could share my settings (and view other people's settings) at a www.BLUETOOTHCOFFEEMAKER.com. That'd be so sweet.

Meanwhile, I took Thursday AND Friday off from work. I had chest pains earlier in the week and went to the doc. Luckily, the doctor said my heart's really healthy and he doesn't think it was a major thing. Today is off because it's a federal holiday, and Thursday I'll be "sick" so I can go get my car worked on. Yeah, all these sick days off might raise a red flag, but I'm putting in my notice on Friday. I just hope I can get through Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm thinking there'll be at least a few minor shitstorms. However, for the last week, I nearly was able to avoid all phone calls. I even "lost" a few phone messages.

Anyone have iChat AV? I can now actually talk into the microphone and talk to people. Awesome. Anyone want to send me their usernames? I want to hear how the funny Australians talk.

TIP OF THE DAY: My neighbor Geoff says that you can make a stronger cup of coffee by using TWO coffee filters rather than just one. Hmm. We'll have to keep that in mind. It slows down the water as it flows through the maker. The longer the water is in contact with the grounds, the stronger it gets. Fascinating. But how will it taste? Disgusting?

Happy Memorial Day!!!

IMPORTANT: A Message From the President of the United States

2005-09-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all!!

This is a message from your president. I feel it is important to address the American public in this tragic time. Katrina has left thousands homeless, destroyed the city of New Orleans, and, worst of all, has all but destroyed the oil refining and transport industry.

I've decided we must reallocate resources to protect 'Merica's interests. As we move into the 20th century, we've got to recognize threats. And then we have to hunt them down and kill them.

This is why I am waging a War on Weather. Some of the nation's most dangerous meteorologists are on the Weathermen List. It's a list of 12. Rather than handing out a deck of cards, the Whitehouse will be selling boxes of condoms. Each condom will have the name and picture of the top Weathermen.

The fucked-in-the-head Democrats tell me the meteorologists are not the problem here, and we should use the $2.5 trillion I'm wanting Congress to earmark for the War on Weather for other uses. But let me tell you, I saw Adam Caskey on channel 7 (our local ABC affiliate) talking about that hurricane hitting New Orleans. He's a meteorologist, and I've been suspicious of him for some time. I got scared, because obviously he uses the Powers of Satan to send these hurricanes in. Others say the meteorologists predict the weather; I say they control the weather by harnessing the aforementioned Powers of Satan to destroy 'Mericans.

Also, I'm going to go ahead and start sending troops on bombing missions to find where these hurricanes originate. They can't just come out from thin air. We MUST stop these hurricanes before they can do any more damage. Now, it's New Orleans. Tomorrow, it could be Houston, or Miami, or Denver. You don't know how far the Powers of Satan can carry these hurricanes inland.

Tornadoes are bad, too. Just because a hurricane hit doesn't mean we should just focus on hurricanes. We've got to stop tornadoes, because if they get too close to water they can turn into hurricanes. The next initiative of the War on Weather is troop clustering throughout the United States. We'll station troops all over 'Merica--perhaps a few troops every square mile or so, so that if a tornado touches down, they can attack and bring the tornado to a halt.

For now, these are the major parts of my plan.

Thank you, God Bless you, and God Bless the United States of 'Merica. Except California. I hate California. It's so liberal. They're dummies. I hate them.

I'm fine

2005-09-01T16:53:00.000-07:00

The chest pain thing, according to my uncle (he's a doc--represent!), is likely just an inflamed ligament in my chest.

I have a physical exam tomorrow with an internist, though. We'll see what's what.

Fight oppression by enslaving everyone.

2005-09-01T01:33:00.000-07:00

My posts come more and more infrequent. For that, I apologize...with a big, hearty, "Go fuck yourself." I do what I want. I post when I want. You can't tell me what to do. But not to worry--I remain devoted to my blogs.

Tonight, the worry is chest pain. I first felt it on Monday night, and then again on Tuesday during the day. Part of me wants to say, "Fuck it." But then I've got good health insurance and eight days of available sick leave. I turn in my two week's notice next Friday, so I figured I was going to lose a lot of that sick leave. I was already planning on calling in sick next Thursday, too, anyway. Maybe not. Also, I'll lose my lovely federal employee health insurance once I leave my job, so I might as well use it. The chest pain--nothing serious. It's not my heart, I'm pretty sure. It seems to happen for a few minutes at a time where it hurts when I breathe in. Whatever. We'll see. It was my mom's idea to go to the doctor. I hate to go to the emergency room, but where does one go BUT the emergency room in things like this?

I feel wierd actually taking a legitimate sick day. Is it legitimate? Strangely, I was talking with a coworker today who was "sick" yesterday. She DID say she went to a doctor--her dog's vet. She ran errands, watched TV, did some housework. But she asked me, "How many of your sick days are actual sick days?" My answer was one out of three. That's sad.

Meanwhile, I can't figure if I should get a Dell laptop or an Apple iBook. The Dell is certainly cheaper. I can get a Dell with Windows XP Media Center, 512 megs of RAM, 60 gig HD, a DVD burner, bluetooth, 3 year warranty and wireless for $900. The equivalent from Apple (iBook 14" Superdrive with 3 years of AppleCare) is about $1400. Fuck it. I'll probably get the Dell.

BACK AT WORK
Being back at work sucks balls. I dislike my job. I feel worthless when I'm there--like nothing I do will have any effect on the good of society in general (the words of a true Communist?). But I'm also bored out of my mind. Bored bored bored. And also, now I'm on edge all the time because I'm afraid my manager's going to call me into her office to find out why my quality of work is so low. She gave me a "To do" list on Tuesday. It's under one of my piles of papers. I'm afraid she'll get mad that I didn't touch it. Yes, even though I'm putting in my notice next Friday.

And it's strange. When I walked back in on Monday, I'd not been in the office in over two weeks. I'd worked five days in an entire month. Some people missed me. My manager said people missed me at first, but then they realized it was really quiet and everyone got a lot of work done. That's fine. Who needs 'em?

So, plans for today (Thurdsay): a visit to the emergency room, pack some boxes, maybe go to the gym.

Word to your mother.

I'll be the fucking Pho King king

2005-08-28T23:12:00.000-07:00

I just two big racoons (aka raccoon) outside walking down the street. Two. Big. Racoons (also spelled 'raccoons'). I was surprised, because we saw one. I knew it was a racoon, but my friend thought it was a cat. But then I saw a second one, and I was positive. I know a racoon when I see one. My favorite stuffed animal when I was really little was a racoon, so I think I know the difference between a cat and a racoon. Had they been stuffed racoons walking down the street, I think I would have immediately recognized them for what they were.

I had Pho (pronounced FUCK without the 'CK' sound) for dinner from Pho Superbowl in San Gabriel. It was quite delicious, and yet ultra-cheap (though expensive by pho standards, from what I understand).

I've decided to open a Pho place. Why not? It's so good. It'll be called The Pho King. When you come, you'll get the Pho King menu. We'll have beef, chicken, lamb, etc. It'll be very well known, because it'll be the best. "That's great Pho King food." We'll have a full bar. "There's a great Pho King bar," people will say. It'll spread through word of mouth. I'll be known as that Pho King guy, too, because everyone will know I'm responsible for this. "I wanted your Pho King chicken, and your Pho King beef. But I didn't order the Pho King tofu, and yet I got the Pho King tofu. What is this? I want some Pho King chicken."

Yeah, dudes. I'll be the Pho King king.

It's just over a month when I'll be back in Hawaii, but this time actually living there. Scary! I just put my notice in the mail for my apartment this afternoon (yes, I know there's no mail on Sundays, asshole). Towards the end of next week, I put the notice in on my job. That's freaky-deaky.

I admit, though, I have the Sunday Night Jitters. I haven't been in the office since August 12th. Tomorrow is August 29th. It's been over two weeks. I've actually worked only four days at the office since July 22nd. It's going to be a shit storm tomorrow. And though I plan on leaving, I hate stepping into a shit storm without waterproof boots. Voicemails--I should have at least 30. Emails? Well over 100. Mail? I'll have to measure it in pounds; I'm thinking about six to eight.

So what if it's not funny and original?

Wal-Mart Butterfly Effect

2005-08-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

BACKGROUND
I've had this idea for a long time that could slowly lead to the downfall of the biggest, coldest retail organization in the United States (and now the world, I believe). Yes, Wal-Mart. Anti-union? Pro-Republican? Yes, Wal-Mart.

When I studied logistics, I learned that Wal-Mart has one of the most advanced logistics systems in the world--more advanced than the United States military's. It's complicated, and is actually one of their strategic advantages compared to the competition. It's so complex, I'd never understand it even if it wasn't an industrial secret.

However, let's go down to the store level. Shelves upon shelves of inventory. As the inventory runs low, product is automatically ordered and routed before it actually runs out. Also, consumer buying trends affect the amount and kind of item ordered. Obviously, winter coats are cyclical; they're not going to continue ordering winter coats at the same level as Spring comes along.

This is a two part plan: purchase and return.

The Plan: Purchase
All right, so their purchasing is based on buying trends. As demand for certain products increase, they may stock other complementary products (ie. demand for peanut butter increases, they may stock more bread).

So then I thought, "What if people made a concerted, organized effort to fuck with Wal-Mart?" Why not? These are the things I think about.

So what if we picked a date off the calendar and had as many people as we could go out to Wal-Mart and buy out all of one or two or three items off the shelf? Let's say everyone on a random date, say September 16, goes and purchases ALL of the Cool-Mint Listerine. I mean, not just one person. Many many people. All the inventory out front disappears, and they run to the back and get more. All of THAT is purchased, and people keep asking all day for Cool-Mint Listerine. There's huge demand for this Cool-Mint Listerine, and Wal-Mart can't figure out why. Why not the regular Listerine? Why not the store brand? Fuck, from Wal-Mart's Point of View, this is confusing, right? And if all the Listerine disappears, then there's another item that everyone concentrates their effort on. Let's say, when these Organized Consumers see the Cool-Mint Listerine is gone, they go and purchase Trojan Magnum condoms. The Trojan Magnums run out. No other kind of condom. Just the Trojan Magnums. They bring out more from the back, and those are bought up.

Interestingly enough, in theory they shouldn't have too much inventory IN the back since they're a JIT operation. They order inventory as they need it.

Wal-Mart is confused, but they order shit loads of Cool-Mint Listerine and Trojan Magnums. Their economists and management attempt to figure out where the demand for these two products are coming from. They place huge orders for Cool-Mint Listerine with Pfizer, and more condoms from Trojan. Huge orders, and perhaps modify existing contracts for more product at later dates. Wal-Mart starts purchasing options and futures contracts for latex and the chemicals in Listerine. They stock their distribution centers with Trojan Magnums and Cool-Mint Listerine.

The Plan: Return
So then, nobody has used these condoms or Cool-Mint Listerine. They've held onto them. And then on October 15th (a month after originally purchasing these), everyone returns to the store en masse to return these condoms and the Listerine. NOW, they've flooded the system. The demand for these products really existed. Now they have excess supply of Listerine and Trojan Condoms. More than that, the apparent demand on these products has affected purchasing of lubricants, home pregnancy tests, toothbrushes, and dental floss.

It's a long-term plan, though. Would this immediately cause Wal-Mart's collapse? No. But if Wal-Mart collapsed, the economy likely would, too. This is really simplistic, but with imagination, you can probably see that purchasing too much Listerine and Trojan Magnum condoms could potentially alter the economy.

Wow.

I DO have too much time on my hands.

Barfy Marston's

2005-08-26T00:46:00.000-07:00

I took a friend to Marston's in Pasadena for her birthday dinner last night. Everyone recommended it. Everyone I talked to seemed to think it was the shit.

"This place is good."

"Oh, it's great."

"You'll love it."

It started off well. Everything on the menu sounded scrumptious. She got some chicken linguine; I ordered the chicken dumplings in a soy ginger sauce with squash.

When the dumplings came, I found it odd that they looked JUST like the ones you can get at Trader Joe's in the frozen foods section for $2.49 (for an entire package). They looked the exact same--folded the same way, same color, same size, same shape. I thought, "Though they look identical, they can't taste the same." I took a bite and was very surprised. So savory, delicious, yummy...just like the ones from Trader Joe's. Goddamnit. I paid $17 to eat this shit. Not only that, but such a small portion. She had enough linguine to serve 1 1/2 to 2 people. I only had 6 really small dumplings. I would have seriously starved to death had she not taken pity and given me some noodles.

Meanwhile, my special lady friend was thrilled about this. Her dish was halfway decent. It was obvious I was jealous of her. More than the food, and the ice cream we got later, and the lovely time we had together--it was the jealousy that made her birthday. To see me look so let down at my own food, and then to look at her food, and back at mine--well, it was the high point of her evening.

Monday, I have to go back to work. FUCK! I hate work. I don't want to go back. Soon it will all be over...

In recess. Where's the playground?

2005-08-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

The judge let us take a long recess. After I looked on every floor of that courthouse, I couldn't find the Goddamn playground. I then came to the following realization: recess has nothing to do with a playground anywhere in the courthouse building. That would be absurd. It must be outside somewhere.

It's obvious. Most playgrounds are outside anyway. I still have to find it, but it should be pretty fun. I love going down slides.

The courthouse actually shares a few things in common with amusement parks. In the morning, there's long lines to get in. I feel I'm going to be doing something exciting by waiting in such a long line. This morning, the line snaked around the side of the building. It was very long. I had to wait at least half an hour to get in to the ride. The ride, of course, was the elevator. I pretended I was going up in one of those rides that take you really really high and then go into a FREEFALL. Yay! Except the elevator was really slow. And it didn't go into a freefall. And the other people didn't quite want to play along. "You think this is an amusement park ride? What are you? A fuckin moron?" Assholes.

Everday, there's a dude selling newspapers. He's sort of annoying because he repeats the same things over and over, but so what? Guy has to make a living. I respect that. So there's these two guys in front of me. They know other people in the line--two women. They stop and chat to these women, thus holding up the line, and then they let them in. Great. It is 8:45, court starts at 9:00, and the line looks like it'll take another half hour. So then two more women walk up to those people in front of me, and just walk right into the line. And one of them--something's not right with her. Cussing every other word, generally hostile, and kind of nuts. An angry black woman (and if she were white, I'd say "white;" if she were Asian, I'd say, "Asian"). So she starts to get annoyed by the newspaper guy. Starts talking shit. "That motherfucker, he always here. I kick his mothafuckin ass if he walk over here." He walked by selling his newspapers and she started hassling him. Tried picking a fight with the guy. Was saying shit to him. No fight, but I felt bad for the guy.

Tried learning tennis yesterday from my friend, Adam. Pop quiz: What do the following, and now tennis, have in common?
* Bowling
* Ballet
* Synchronized swimming
* Professional mine-sweeping
* Karate
* Glass-blowing
ANSWER: I can't do it. I'll try any of the above (maybe not the ballet, since it's somewhat dangerous), and I'll keep trying it, but I get the sense I'll never do it well.

I was playing tennis like I play racquetball. In racquetball, you don't really have to worry as much about controlling where the ball goes. As long as you can hit it against the front wall during play, you're fine. But in tennis, you can't just lob the motherfucker with all your strength every time or it'll end up rocketing off out of the court like a goddamn bird with a firecracker up its ass. No, it takes finesse. I have none.

Went to the beach yesterday. That was a lot of fun. Watched Four Brothers on Friday, too, by the way. It was pretty decent, I thought.

Eat until you puke, and then eat some more

2005-08-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

I just spent the last hour trying to get my remote control working. It didn't seem to be working right, so I started by bashing it on the ground several times. This appears to have reset the remote. I had to reprogram it for my TV and stereo stuff, but it seems to work now. And now that it's fixed, I turned on the TV and there's nothing on. So I'm wondering why I wasted any time doing this. Jesus.

Today was huge. I went to the Western Foodservice and Hospitality Expo. Check out the web site. It's a trade show exclusively for people in the restaurant and food industries; regular people off the street can't get in. Imagine the LA Convention Center FILLED with table upon table of food, drinks, coffee, liquor, beer, candy, cakes, etc., etc., etc.

How did Medinski get in? He walked up to the registration table, pointed to a random badge and said, "That's me." They looked at me funny and said, "You're Dr. Golackowitz?" With total confidence and not a trace of panic, I answered, "Yes I am."

For about 3 and a half hours, I ate pretty much non-stop. Starting from one end, we worked our way to the other end of the convention center. I ate the following:
- Ten different kinds of cookies, including (but not limited to) chocolate caramel, chocolate chip, chocolate chip pecan, and oatmeal
- Six different kinds of cheesecakes, including (but not limited to) New York Cheesecake, caramel, rasberry chocolate, and chocolate
- Six kinds of beer, including (but not limited to) Sam Adams, Arrogant Bastard, and this wierd chili beer*
- Twelve to fifteen different kinds of ice creams, shakes, and sorbets, including (but not limited to) Extreme Moosetracks, Cotton Candy flavored (surprisingly good), green tea, chocolate/vanilla swirl, pineapple sorbet, coffee, capuccino, and mango sorbet
- Ten different kinds of liquors, including (but not limited to) courvasier, whiskey, Stolisnaya, and Kahlua
- Six kinds of coffee (most of it ranging from lousy to average)

* I tried this bizarre chili beer, and found it odd enough to share. It was beer with spicy chili flavoring added. Very strange. Very spicy. I can imagine drinking this beer if I had the strong desire for indigestion and perhaps a trip to the hospital. I got my cousin to drink it by telling him it was VERY good. He took his sample cup, sipped the whole cup in his mouth, and got this bizarre, confused look on his face. He turned around and spat it out back into his sample cup, and then called me a, "Fucking asshole." Quite a comedian he is.

I'd say my favorite item there were these Petit Fours. Jesus H Christ, I must've eaten about five of these things. Most of the items, you take a half-bite of and throw the rest away (you can imagine the volume of food I ate just by the list above), but these I ate. So good, so soft. Moist, sweet, tasty.

I only stopped eating when I took a bite of another cookie (macadamia nut white chocolate). I had this bite of cookie in my mouth and that was it. I realized with that one bite that I was completely full. If I were to eat another bite after this piece of cookie, I knew I'd throw up everywhere. Everywhere. I knew it wouldn't be pretty. Since we'd been in constant motion for the last 4 hours, it was harder to feel full than when you're just sitting there not moving. But suddenly, I realized I was full and I'd have serious problems on my hands if I were to eat another bite.

And so then, I threw in the towel.

It was so tasty. Perhaps this was the best day of my year. This and being a homewrecker qualify as two of the best things that have happened to me so far in this year of the Lord, 2005. It was a day where fruit and veggies were shunned in favor of highly processed or fatty foods. A day where pausing to digest was a sign of weakness. It was a Day of Gluttony, and I loved it.

The difference between me and a bucket of shit is what...?

2005-08-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

I'm still in jury duty, and will be there for awhile. All well. Suits me fine.

My boss doesn't know I'm quitting yet. That's fine. I don't care.

Ah, the beaches beckon.

I think I'm going to get a 14 inch G4 iBook. Why not? The price isn't bad. I used MacPrices.com to find some pretty good deals.

Meanwhile, I saw Pretty Persuasion last night at the Lemmlae cinema on Colorado. It was pretty decent, but seemed to start out as a comedy and then transform into a near-thriller drama. Turned a bit psychotic, I felt, but it wasn't too bad. It was funny, though. There was a part where these high school students were having an international food fair, and the Israel table got put next to the Palestine table. So the guy from the Israel table is standing flipping through pages of an Atlas talking to an Arab girl saying, "It's not here. I don't see it. Show me Palestine on a map. See? It doesn't exist. Where is it? Point it out! I want to see it!"

Things are well. No work and no play...makes Ryan a juror. Not bad, though. I've been reading a lot.

VERDICT: You fuck chickens, chicken-fucker

2005-08-16T01:02:00.000-07:00

First off, thank you Myspace readers for coming over and still looking at my blog. I refuse to continue using Myspace. It's horseshit, now.

I'm on jury duty. Why do people keep asking me what the case is about? It's like they can't function unless they know:
1) Is it criminal or civil?
2) What are the other jurists like?
3) What kind of case is it?
4) Did they do it? Are they guilty?

And when I say that the judge has specifically ordered all potential jurors to say nothing, they get offended. As if the judge has ordered me not to protect the involved parties, but to be an asshole to my friends.

Though the judge tells us every time before a recess, lunch break, or at the end of the day, "Don't talk to anyone about this case. Do not talk to other jurists regarding anything that happens here. Do not talk to the witnesses or lawyers at all. Please keep everything related to this case confidential," I guess this doesn't really apply to SOME of my friends.

Okay, you want to know the case? Fine here it is:
Flunderbog Johannsen vs. Jeffrey Brighton Smith. Mr. Smith was caught with his penis inside of one of Mr. Johannsen's chickens. That's right, he fucked a chicken. This apparently interrupted the chicken's egg-laying cycles. It was then found out that Mr Smith had fucked almost half of Mr. Johannsen's chickens. Mr. Johannsen is suing Mr. Smith for lost productivity, and is seeking monetary damages. Mr. Smith is countersuing because he got gonorrhea from fucking those chickens. Further investigation revealed that Mr. Johannsen has gonorrhea, and there's no other place they could have gotten it from.

So jury selection continues. People with chicken-fucking experience are usually dismissed from the jury. Jury selection has taken so long, because so many people have fucked chickens that they have to keep dismissing people almost as soon as they're called. Obviously, I haven't been called yet.

Meanwhile, I'm on the verge of replacing my old, decrepid computer with a brand-new eMac with the Superdrive, or an iBook. I could get the Combodrive eMac for $800, an external DVD-R drive for about another $100, and the 3 year warranty for $169. Not bad, right? Free shipping, too. I wonder if they ship to Hawaii for free, or if they charge extra.

Good news!
I'm not dead, and I no longer have the odd, bitter taste in my mouth.

Rupert Murdoch is a cunt-faced bitch

2005-08-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

That's right. I now officially hate Myspace. It's now inundated with advertisements. It's a subsidiary of Fox News. To support and continue using Myspace is to support the Republican war machine.

So...as mentioned, I can't complain at this juncture about my female situation. I can, actually. Perhaps I met someone, and we're trying to figure out what the hell to do with me moving to Hawaii and all. Here's some constraints:
1) I am moving to Hawaii. I cannot and will not change my mind.
2) She lives here.
3) I project my stay to be about 6 to 9 months (maybe 12)

I try to put it in simple terms. "Let's treat it like a prison term. Let's pretend I have to go to prison for 9 months. You could come visit me in prison! You wouldn't just ignore me and let me rot if I went to prison, right? Except what's better here is that I'm going voluntarily, it's Hawaii, and I won't have to be someone's bitch."

We'll see; who knows?

I told my agent about me moving to Hawaii. "Yeah, and meetings will be so much easier with you being on an island 3,000 miles away." He seems happy for me. What will we need to meet over? The sheer volume of rejection letters?

Good night, America.

A Moratorium on Feeling Sorry for Myself

2005-08-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today was rough. I was back at work, today, since court is in recess. Just because the court is in recess doesn't mean Ryan is.

There was a big case of Fridayitis in the courtroom. At 3:00 PM, the judge took a recess. When we came back, she was wearing a short skirt and tank top. She asked us to pretend she wasn't on the phone making her dinner reservations. As the juror selection continued, I noticed that one of the lawyers had merely replaced himself with a cardboard cutout of himself. The other, rather than asking questions or explaining the case, told us his strategy for playing Texas Hold 'Em. I learned a lot, but...it just didn't seem as somber of an environment as I thought it would be.

I mean, a couple of the jurors were in the corner making out. Other jurors took pictures of those jurors. Some had come back with an 18 pack of Natty Light (Note for the Australians: Natural Light, cheap cheap beer). At least of the four jurors were just sitting there drinking the cans of beer and throwing the empty ones at the poor court reporter.

Meanwhile, I read my book.

I'm not allowed to complain about problems with women anymore, at least for awhile. This is somewhat upsetting. It's what I do best--complaining that women don't like me. Perhaps I don't have much reason right now to complain about women not liking me. I will. Soon. I can almost promise I will soon be able to again deliver this service to you--my valued readers.

What's Wrong With Me?
This game is called What's Wrong With Me? It's where I tell you the symptoms, and you guess what's wrong. It saves going to the doctor (unless you're wrong, which you most likely will be).

All day long, I've had an odd bitter taste in my mouth (sort of like the taste of morning breath). And then this evening, I puked.

This bitter flavor has been in my mouth all fuckin' day. I've tried washing it away with coffee, chocolate, chocolate-covered coffee beans, piece of sandwich, orange, soda, yogurt--even that Chloroseptic nasty throat spray, but it still tastes bitter. What the fuck is this?

The Great Wall of Cincinnati

2005-08-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

My jury duties continue. Today was another day in court. I will be going back tomorrow, too.

And every day that I'm in court is about another week behind that I get with my work. I realized today that I have been present at the office for three of the 14 most recent work days (including tomorrow). I spent five work days in Hawaii, one at an off-site meeting, and four (including tomorrow) in court. Pretty amazing, huh? I'm a professional work evader. And we can immediately cut off one of those three days I was there for computer problems and miscellaneous fucking around. TWO DAYS IN A 14 DAY PERIOD.

Dear God. That's a lot of days off. Dear God. Hope you got the letter. I pray you can make it better around here. I don't need a big reduction in the price of beer.

But jury duty has been fun so far. I like it.

Meanwhile, my move to Hawaii slowly marches closer on the calendar. At certain times, especially when I'm with certain people (or a certain person), I feel that time moves too fast. And then, at other times, when I'm at work let's say, it seems that time has stopped.

It's strange, though. This Hawaii stint is basically turning me into a bum. Not a hobo. Hobos are typically homeless, right? Not that there's anything particularly WRONG with being homeless. I just like indoor plumbing, cable, and a bed I don't have to share with the elements. A bum. I'll be a bum. I have to look for a part-time job.

Two college degrees, graduation with honors, and experience with the roughest, toughest collection agency in the United States. And yet I see "Would you like fries with that?" in my near future. Of course it's Hawaii, so I guess it'll probably be, "Would you like spam with that?" In case you don't know Hawaiians love spam. They apparently eat that shit all the time.

Who's going to visit me?
I talked to my brother today. My BROTHER said he may visit me. I may as well ask the Chinese to move the Great Wall of China to Cincinnati. My BROTHER is actually willing to come visit me. You don't even understand. He's a lazy fucker. This is big news.

I'd actually called him to see if he got my package I sent him. It had his birthday gifts in it. His birthday was August 5th. He said, "No."

"Oh," I said. "I didn't think it would have arrived yet. I'm on the way to the post office to mail it to you."

A couple of friends have expressed interest in coming out and staying in one of the hotels and hanging out. It'll be fun--a fucking blast, guys. Who else is coming to visit me?

A Potluck With No Pot and No Luck

2005-08-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

Today at work, we had a MEETING. It was held out of the office here in Pasadena, which was quite nice. Out-of-office meeting means I don't have to do as much work. Actually, I didn't have to do any work. It was a potluck. My stomach says that I'm unlucky, though. And there was no pot. What is this? False advertising, that's what.

I got in trouble at the meeting. I brought my coffee pot and some coffee. I ground up some good 100% Kauai coffee this morning, but also took these packs of flavored coffee I plan to never drink. Flavored coffee is strange, after all, and I figured I could unload it on my coworkers. Which I did. "Oh, this is good, Ryan." Thank you.

But I made a lot of coffee, and I made it strong. After a few cups, I was quite caffeinated. I got in trouble because I made the secretary laugh. She was eating a piece of chocolate cream pie. I rocked back and forth in my chair (from the caffeine). I stopped rocking and stared at that piece of chocolate cream pie with the greatest intensity. My eyes bulged, and I just stared at it in deep concentration. She saw this and laughed.

My manager told me to go sit in the corner, so I did. I got up and moved next to this woman in my group, Debbie; everyone waited until I sat down next to her and put my stuff down.

Debbie: an INSTIGATOR.

Everyone blames me for anything that goes wrong. Debbie knows this. She took my pen and put it on the other side of her as the manager continued with the meeting. I took her bottle of lotion, and threw it across the room. She leaned over and said, "If you don't get me my lotion, I'm going to kick yo' motherfuckin' ass." So I went and picked up her lotion. Nobody seemed to notice.

I sat back down and took Charice's pen (who sat next to me) and scribbled all over the paper Debbie was looking at. I drew graffiti and circles and dots and lines. She grabbed my copy out of my hand and drew all over it with her pen. Then she leaned over and said, "You best get your ass on out of here." I went back to my chair, and nobody seemed to notice.

Meanwhile, I (as well as all of my coworkers in my work group) got promoted today. No, don't congratulate me. I'm quitting in about a month. But still, the manager was telling us what comes with the promotion. She said, "All of you work more than your scheduled 8 hour day once in awhile, some more than others. Actually, Ryan never does, but now you can get credit for it and use it later through the use of the credit hour system." I don't deny that I work NO MORE THAN 40 hours per week. I thought it was a strange thing to say in front of everyone, even though I do plan on quitting and all. And instead of putting any more time in to get the job done right the first time, I typically quit in the middle of a task and site Union regulations, but was that appropriate for her to do that? Even though I use a lot of my "work" time to work on personal projects and cat-naps? I mean, come on--we're talking about a professional work environment here.

POSH--How Erotic
Here's one more odd thing. I got a handout today in our meeting that says I have to get recertified in all these HR/admin areas: computer security, ethics, safety, etc. But one thing I found odd was POSH, or rather Prevention of Sexual Harassment.

This is what the Government names its education program for sexual harassment. This word with so many sexual connotations and scandalous undertones. It's like the Government is subtly sexually harassing every single employee. It is, after all mandatory. That's right, mandatory Government-sanctioned sexual harassment.

I guess we'll learn about several methods to an open, happy workplace, such as:
Stop, Understand, and Communicate, in a Knowing Manner so You Can Ordinarily Culture Kindess. Yes, the SUCK MY COCK program. It doesn't make sense, but it doesn't have to; it's government work.

"And remember, the key to respecting other people--whether they be male OR female, because we're equal opportunity and equal rights here--is to tell them, 'SUCK MY COCK.' So if you get fed up because someone's being rude or disrespectful, just tell them, 'SUCK MY COCK.'"

IMPORTANT DECISION MADE

2005-08-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm moving to Hawaii.

Yes, the land of Lincoln...wait, that's Illinois. And Hawaii became a state long after Lincoln was shot.

Nevertheless, I'm moving there. I'll be there early to mid-October.

I'll be back, though. It's not forever.

I'll be living in the Kona region on the Big Island. I hope it'll be fun. One friend tells me that I'll be miserable and bored, and that I'll totally regret moving there after a week or two. Thanks for the vote of confidence! I know you're just jealous.

Of course if I was paid assloads of money to only work five hours a week like this particular friend, I'd probably have plenty of reason in that alone to stay. Alas, I don't.

I can't see how it'll make me as miserable as my job, though. Anything that could be less miserable than my job has promise. By this rationale, skydiving without a parachute has more promise.

I'm too unoriginal to come up with a good title

2005-08-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

Today I went to a pretty cool pool party today. The water was nice, and the food was pretty decent. And I was there, so that made it even better.

I have an unexplainable fear of pool vacuums. You know, that thing that moves slowly along the bottom of the pool pumping up leaves, dirt, and other unsavory items. Those things scare me. Through blurry eyes, they somehow always manage to look sinister.

Nobody got my They Might Be Giants reference from a couple of days ago:
"I found out she's an angel. I don't think she knows I know. I'm worried that something might happen to me if anyone ever finds out. Why, why did they send her--over anyone else? How should I react? These things happen to other people. They don't happen at all."

In fact, when you're following an angel, do you have really have to throw your body off a building?

Just because I plagiarized the lyrics, though, doesn't mean they don't have to apply.

I've decided to save money in moving to Hawaii by sneaking in in a piece of carry-on luggage...but who's going to carry me on to the plane? A cunning plan with a major obstacle. I must think this one through a bit more.

Pepsi Fuckin' Challenge

2005-08-06T20:30:00.000-07:00

I called up one of my friends today and said, "Hey, ya' white motherfucker. How are you doing?"

He was not doing so well. He proposed to his girlfriend on Thursday night, and they broke up Friday morning. I felt horrible for him. I'd called him from Hawaii when I was there. His girlfriend got home from a long trip only a week ago, and I spoke with him on the day before. He was ecstatic she was coming home, since she'd been gone so long. It's a week later, and he sounds upside down. Everything has changed for him, it seems.

Another friend is rethinking her engagement. Everything has changed for her as well, especially since there's this other guy already trying to get her attention. That guy has no class. He calls her and always wants to see her, and generally makes life difficult for her.

Another friend is moving farther into a relationship that she's not too optimistic about.

Another friend has taken back an ex-boyfriend purely for carnal relations (so she says).

My brother's wife is pregnant (yes, by my brother, asshole). The kid will either be named Ari Herschel Medinski if it's a boy, or Eva Lilly Medinski if it's a girl. Hm. Eva Lilly--pretty name. It's very Southern belle. And Ari Herschel? The kid's future is already laid out for him: he'll be a rabbi, a mohel (go here and click on "The Rabbi" to find out what a mohel is), a jeweler, or a rapper. Where did my brother get the idea for the name Ari? From a TV show on HBO. I love my brother.

Another friend doesn't seem to appreciate or practice the one man/one woman concept, and may be confused. Perhaps it's time to intervene and help out a brotha.

Don't think I'm without any type of problems, either. I've got to learn some programming, some Chinese, the guitar, and suddenly be five to ten years older. I think I can do it.

Chinese
I can speak a little Korean. I can tell someone I'm going to kill them. I can curse at them. I can ask where the prostitutes are. I can ask how much the prostitutes are. I can say, "I don't know." Oh, and of course, I can say, "Hello." Anyang! I'm sure I could learn the same in Chinese. Will that be enough?

Programming
I could program in QBASIC when I was about 12. I'm sure I could pick it up again really fast. I took some C++ about five years ago. Could Java be that much harder? Anybody have a copy of DOS 5.5 I could borrow to brush up on my QBASIC?

Guitar
What about piano and harmonica? I can play these. I can play the air guitar really well. Does that count? It wasn't specified that I had to specifically be able to play classical, acoustic, bass, or air guitar. I was assuming any of these would work.

I like to play the drums. I think I'm getting better but I can handle criticism. I'll show you what I know and you can tell me if you think I'm getting better on the drums. I'll leave the front unlocked 'cause I can't hear the doorbell.

Five Years Older
I'm 30. Done. Not old enough. 35. Done. See? That's magic, but it works. Just don't look at my driver's license.

See? And now I'm the best. Well, I'm the best if you're into a 30-35 year old Chinese guitar-playing computer programmer.

I'll take the Pepsi Challenge any day of the week against any other 30-35 year old Chinese guitar-playing programmer. Hell, against any other guy. That's right. I'm that confident about myself.

Big Decision 2005
Hawaii, here I come. I've decided. The preliminary plan is that I'll leave LA about the third week of September, go to Phoenix and take the LSAT (yes, sorry, but I'm taking it--why not?), perhaps a quick jaunt to Albuquerque, and then it's off to Hawaii. 3, 6, 9, 12 months? Something like that. Who knows?

Maybe I'll have a reason to come back.

I will come back, though. Don't worry your pretty little head.

The Jurist on the Sand

2005-08-06T11:13:00.000-07:00

Together on the sand,
We walked hand in hand
On the beachfront, she smiled at me
As she tightly held my hand...

There's your plagiarism of the day. Which song? Which album? And why these lyrics in particular?

Yesterday, I got called to serve my community--nay, my country. I was a part of the Democratic system. It's what separates us from the Third World. Trial by jury, innocent until proven guilty...Plus, I didn't have to go to work yesterday. It was great. I got there at 8 AM and stood in the hall with about 150 other people. Then we went into the juror lounge. They had chairs, TVs, magazines, computers, books. So I picked up a book and started reading. At about 9:45, they gave us a 40 minute break. I went across the street to the library and checked out Hey Rube, a compilation of some of Hunter S. Thompson's sports writings for ESPN. I read most of that, and on our two hour lunch break, I went and checked out Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk. I sat and read--no interruptions--until about 4, when I was finally called for jury selection.

The judge told us the expected length of the trail, and asked for the people with no scheduling conflicts to stand up. I was one of about 8 people out of about 70 who stood up. The judge said to be back late Tuesday morning. All day Tuesday--no work that day, either.

And Monday is a screwaround day for work, because we're having an off-site group meeting. It's going to be a potluck, too, so it's not like I'll really have to do anything.

It was a good day yesterday. I found out she's an angel. I don't think she knows I know. I'm worried that something might happen to me if anyone ever finds out.

Why, why did they send her--over anyone else? How should I react? These things happen to other people. They don't happen at all.

I'd say it was a great day yesterday. But then, it wasn't at the same time. Bittersweet.

I'll leave you all on a happy thought: I'm going to a better place. A happier place. That's right, I'm going to Costco. I'm going to eat me some samples.

The Gods of Juries Have Looked Down and Smiled Unto Me

2005-08-04T19:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, I got called for jury duty.

Most people say, "Awww fuck. Jury duty."

I say, "Great smoking Moses! I am truly a lucky man!"

As mentioned in the past, I prefer a lot of things to working: dental work, physical therapy, MRIs. Now I can add jury duty to that list. Yay!

All this work I've got stacked up at the office. It piles up like the snows of hell pile up faster than you could ever imagine shoveling it away. I'm so far behind, I'd say I'd be in danger of losing my job if I were in the private sector.

However, since I'm a government employee, I get my promotion and raise on Monday. No shit.

Oh, but it's bad, and my manager has taken notice. However, I think she has decided not to care because with the promotion comes a reassignment to another manager. This sort of sucks. Yeah, there'll be a hefty pay increase (for the month that I work there before quitting), but I'll have to sit farther away from the window (for the month that I work there before quitting).

GOVERNMENT WASTE AND THE 5 HOUR BREAK
This morning was all right. It was a long day over all, but they all are. Yesterday, we were basically told that if we don't back up everything on our laptops at work, it'll all be destroyed with this BIG software update for one of the government's proprietary programs.

Fantastic. So everyone starts backing up their files to some space on a hard drive on a remote server--the I-drive (you know, where c: is the hard drive, d: is a local partition, e: is the CD-R/DVD, i: is the remote drive). The I-drive filled up because nobody was zipping up all their files, because nobody told us to. So after spending 3 hours trying to back it up, someone came running around handing out slips of fucking paper with a command code. After three tries and another 2 hours, I got it to work. And then, I called to make sure it worked, and the guy said that it didn't really matter whether we backed up all our shit; nothing is expected to happen so that we lose any of our files. Meanwhile, I got to sit back and take a 5 hour break.

All well. Your taxes pay my paychecks. That's cool.

What about my fucking jury duty?

2005-08-02T23:26:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day back at work.

It was a spirit-crushing, eye-opening day.

Nothing had changed. I feel that a year-long vacation wouldn't remove the stress and hatred of my job that I feel.

Meanwhile, it seems that some people actually missed me. One of my counterparts in the other group told me he went to my manager everyday and asked, "Where's Ryan?" She would answer that I was on vacation, and to get the hell out of her office.

I brought back a bunch of candy. My manager is allergic to nuts. All of the candy had nuts in them. Not the chocolate-covered coffee beans. She doesn't like chocolate-covered coffee beans, though.

THE RED GLOWING LIGHT! That little bastard. I'd like to meet the shitface that invented the RED GLOWING LIGHT. Obviously, I mean the voicemail light. If I ignore it, it doesn't go away. It seems to glow brighter--burning into my brain...AGGHH!! And then I start wondering, "How many messages do I have? 1? 5? 7?" No. I had ten. Ten messages.

What part of, "I will be unable to answer or return calls while I am out of the office. If you have an emergency, call the manager at blah blah blah," sounds like, "I'm not here, but you're my TOP PRIORITY. Leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as I possibly can. I'll interrupt my vacation for you!"?

Fuuuuuck that. And fuuuuuuuuuuck them.

I've been scheduled to be on-call for jury duty. Each day this week I've called, and they haven't called me in. Damn it! I want to be called! I want to serve my community. I want to fulfill my civic duty. I want a day or two off from work to fuck around.

And one more thing. You are fantastic and nothing is wrong with you.

A Subtle Subtext

2005-08-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

Why try parking in a parking spot that already has a car parked there? Even the handicap spot--you don't park there, because the sign says that it's reserved for those with a handicap. You can't wait there and assume that at some point, the sign will fall down and you can pull into that space.

Why did Three's Company last 1977 to 1984, but Three's a Crowd last for only eight episodes?!

Why ADD hot dogs to macaroni and cheese? It's macaroni and cheese! There should be no third ingredient. And you can't replace the macaroni with hot dogs, and still enjoy the hot dogs and cheese in the same manner. This spells disaster. That's why the hot dogs are served on a separate plate.

It's green eggs and ham! Not green eggs, ham, and a bowl of cereal. Dr. Seuss didn't do that, because it wouldn't be right with a bowl of cereal in ADDITION to the green eggs and ham. He's a doctor; he obviously knew what he was doing.

Volcanoes

2005-08-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

I saw a place in Hawaii where this one neighborhood had been completely destroyed by lava. This volcano had erupted and hot fuckin' lava had rolled over this subdivision full of new houses. Most of the houses were completely destroyed.

Wouldn't that be odd if this was a widespread thing? You know, maybe not just volcanoes, but disappearing neighborhoods.

I mean, on the 6 o'clock news, we'd hear, "East Pasadena has completely disappeared. Evidently, there was an eruption of lava from within the Von's grocery store that destroyed the neighborhood. It's gone, so if you live there--you now have no home. Von's is asking its customers to pay with cash only until they get their credit card machines working again." Poof.

Oh, Hawaii, I miss you already. You gave me a tan. Maybe you gave me melanoma, you trickster you.

But that flattened lava neighborhood was cool. From the helicoptor, you could see that the entire neighborhood hadn't been destroyed. There were these islands where the lava had flowed around. So in the middle of a huge lava field, there's suddenly a couple of houses just sitting there. Sort of makes you wonder what the hell anyone was thinking to decide, "Yeah, I'll buy this house right in the shadow of an active volcano."

I was told that the owners of these houses wouldn't get insurance money if the lava destroyed their homes, so they surrounded their homes with cans of gasoline. Once the lava proceeded far enough...KABOOM! Insurance checks galore. I guess that's not arson. I guess it's considered accidental to leave cans of gasoline outside around your house, and then some lava comes wondering along and accidentally blows your house up.

Most of the unflattened houses are vacant. But at least one was occupied by a guy named James. The helicoptor pilot said that James had lived in his house since 1972 (11 years before the 1983 eruption). James stayed, even though his his is surrounded on all sides by now-cool lava. His neighbors' houses were destroyed, as were the roads to his house. Now he has to take an hour-long motorcycle ride to get in and out. Fucked up, right?

That'd be cool, though. The Fuller Brush Man, Mormons, door-to-door evangelical Christians, and the guy that leaves those stupid door-hang advertisements for local pizza restaurants--all a thing of the past. Nobody'd come to the front door.

'Sick' Day

2005-07-31T16:14:00.000-07:00

Well? What do I do?

I've gotten back. I've been home a total of five hours. My friend brought my home from the airport, where I loaded her up with chocolate products: chocolate covered mac nuts, chocolate covered coffee, chocolate covered bark, etc. I came back with about 20 or so pounds of chocolate candies, and another 2 or 3 pounds of Kona coffee. Right now, I'm the "go to" guy for Hawaiin coffees and candies.

I'm thinking about moving there. Why not? I've got nothing here.

My friend asked me what would keep me here. I said little Asian girls for one, but I guess there are other things that could keep me here. I said it was totally up to her whether I stay or go. She says she'll find me a nice girl to make me stay--something so complicated, I won't be able to leave. If she wants me to stay, I told her she's got to give me a reason to stay.

Hawaii. Live rent-free, eat tropical fruits all the time, swim, snorkel, etc. Of course, if you want to take a road-trip on the Big Island, your choices are limited: you could go to Hilo or...Hilo?

It sucks to be back. I'm calling in 'sick' to work tomorrow.

I'm not stoned--just lost.

2005-07-30T01:36:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Hopuna, or whatever the fucking beach was called. I don't know these Hawaiin names. They're so odd, the names all start to sound the same.

"Yeah, to get there you take the highway to Lako, take a left on Lako, and a right on Mahuahua. To get to the beach, you take a left on Ponciani to Waimea to Waimea, and then take a left on Waimeaa and when you get to Waimeaa, take a right. If you get to the Royal Waimeaa, you've gone too far. But if you're at the Waimeaa Beach, go to the next one, because that's not the right one. You want the FURTHER Waimeaa Beach. For dinner we'll have Waimeaa steaks dipped in Waimeaa sauce with Waimeaa Waimeaa. Waimeaa?"

So Hopuna. Gorgeous. When you think of the 'perfect' beach, this is it: white sands, blue water, gradual slope into the water, slightly cool (but not too cool) water. Perfect, perfect, perfect. No girls to look at, though. I got bored and left after an hour, despite being at one of the World's Top Beaches. There wasn't much to do, really. You know, you can look at the palm trees and admire the blue water for so long...and then? I don't know. Harrass other tourists?

So I hopped back in the car and drove to our family friend's candy factory where I made some chocolate covered white pineapple, chocolate covered cashews, and a chocolate Elvis portrait. I was supposed to drive from the candy factory to his house, where I was to wait and meet him and his wife and step-daughter for dinner.

Instead, I was talking on the phone telling a friend how awesome Hawaii is. I was admiring the sunset, and telling my friend how fucking far apart everything is. Then, I see planes. That can't be. The only place that has large planes is the airport, and that's about 45 minutes out of town PAST his house...Then my phone rings on the other line as I made the connection in my head.

Somehow I'd passed his street, passed Palahni (the major thoroughfare that leads to downtown), passed about 100 other landmarks and ended out at the fucking airport.

"Where are you?"

"I think...I think I'm at the airport."

He laughed. "Where are you really?"

"The airport. I see planes. Big fucking planes."

Long silence. Then he said I had to have been stoned to drive for 45 minutes without realizing I was lost, and that he's going to tell my dad.

Fresh from Hilo

2005-07-28T23:47:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Hilo. Yesterday morning, I snorkeled and swam with some big fuckin' endangered turtles and big fucking fish.

I saw some little bastard--about 12 years old--swim to the bottom of the water (about 10 feet), pick up a large rock, and then he fucking dropped it on this big turtle as it dropped by. Obviously, he ignored the signs warning of fines and imprisonment by fucking with the ENDANGERED turtles. So Ryan (that's me) swam over there and yanked on his arm to get his attention.

"What?"

"What the fuck is your problem dropping rocks on the turtles?"

"It scared me."

I was so shocked at this kid's response. No wonder the locals get pissed at the fucking tourists--we're evidently there to destroy everything. I wanted to drop a rock on him.

Yesterday evening, I flew on a helicoptor out over some volcanoes and some fucking lava. Awesome as fuck. They wouldn't let me handle the controls, though. Assholes.

Hawaii 5-0

2005-07-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

When I first got to Hawaii on Sunday, I went to downtown Kona. Downtown Kona is smaller and less active than the least busy, smallest alley in Pasadena. But oh well. There I was walking around.

A cop car drove by me...at least I was pretty sure it was a cop car. It was a Roush Mustang 380R. It had a cop light on the roof, and it was white and blue. One question: What the fuck?

I saw it again later puttering around and asked my family friend, Collector, "So...What's the deal with the cop cars here?"

"Oh, the cops get a car allowance and drive their own cars."

And hence, with car allowance, someone decides to drive around in a Roush Mustang. On roads with speed limits of no more than 55. And good God, there's really no way to even go any faster than that if you try. So...a Roush Mustang? Okay. Whatever. A Supercharged Mustang cop car.

Apparently they don't make their own uniforms, though.

Choco-LIT

2005-07-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

Guess what? You CAN get high if you eat enough chocolate.

I'm here in Hawaii from within the candy factory. It's owned by a close friend of my dad's.

I just made my OWN candy. Chocolate fucking coated candy. And it's so good.

What I've eaten today:
BREAKFAST: 15 chocolate covered macadamia nuts, 10 chocolate covered coffee beans, omelette, toast.
LUNCH: 25 chocolate covered macadamia nuts, 8 choco-coconut covered macadamia nuts, 10 chocolate covered coffee beans, two tacos, tamale
SNACK TIME: Half a pound of the candy I made, half a pound of raw macadamia nuts

Oh, and it is pretty beautiful here. A bit humid. Lots of water--as if we're surrounded on all sides by it.

I must go. Je t'aime, candy.

PHYSIOLOGICAL EFFECTS:
I had a major crash after eating my breakfast candy. I could do little more than sit in a chair drooling. Then, I ate more and that seemed to temporarily take me out of my crash. Now, I'm sweating somewhat and feel the weight gain...

Psych!!! One more post...

2005-07-24T00:47:00.000-07:00

Ah, the night before I leave, and I'm suddenly a hot commodity. People want me to hang out with them and shit since they won't see me for a whole week. Which is nice--especially since I see some of these people only once every week or two. Me saying I'm going to Hawaii for a week should be at the same level as me saying I'm going over to Ralph's to buy a loaf of bread and some corn nuts (though I eat neither, and I don't shop at Ralph's; if you're a Big Lebowski fan, though, you understand that it's more than just a grocery store).

However, I spent my last evening in Hollywood where my friend showed his film. It was shown in a gallery next to Paramount Studios with other short films. They served free beer! FREE! As in, you could just walk over to a tub, pull out a Tecate, and drink it. No charge. Free beer--a Hollywood Miracle. I could not understand this.

I could not understand some of these short films. The most incomprehensible to me went something like this: opening credits, and then me thinking, "Wow, these opening credits are long, but nothing stays on the screen long enough for me to read it," and then it was over. Lots of strange drawings that morphed, lots of colors, some text, but that was it. The guy that made that film explained that it was an anti-war film. What? What war is he protesting? Some sort of digital war that involves warring multi-colored blob figures and bizarre, shapeless lines?

Another was a documentary that followed a woman and her family as they and her family came to terms with her father's death. 10 years ago. When he fell while hiking. This is sad, of course. It was a sad situation of course, and she interviewed her mother, brothers, and grandparents. She relied on a lot of old videotape footage from her childhood. And she was sort of raising the question of, "Was his death an accident? Or did something more sinister happen?" Of course she never answered that, and seemed to forget she'd even asked it. But the whole thing taken together was like splicing family videos with a scene from the middle of an old, dusty episode of Columbo, and topped off with a shot of Oprah (well, a white attractive Oprah, at least).

We did miss SOME of the films. We were at Astroburger while the event started. We didn't get to the gallery until about halfway through. I had to explain to my friend that it might be a good idea to be at an event you've been invited to or that might lead a bad impression. He didn't understand. Hm. All well.

All right. I wake up in about 4 hours. Goddamnit.

Know this, though, before I go: I will never say the word "Procrastinate" again. I'll never see myself in the mirror with my eyes closed. I didn't apologize for when I was eight and I made my younger brother have to be my personal slave.

Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want, or I'm still alive
and theres nothing I want to do.

In case you didn't realize it, that was your Plagiarism of the Day. Which album? Who sang it? Why?

BONUS QUESTION:
Why can't you tell someone you miss them without sounding like an idiot?

No More Work Left

2005-07-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

I somehow did it. I somehow made it to the weekend. Tomorrow, I leave for Hawaii.

But don't think it was an easy road. My mind has hardly there, and pretty much every day I was getting in trouble for something. There's so much to get in trouble for there.

I try to remember that no matter how poorly I do and how shitty my work is, it's really difficult for them to fire me unless I break a few laws and do some really stupid stuff (this is a list of Section 1203 violations that would get me fired). But I still worry about my work. Why? I wish I didn't. I know that the sun will still rise tomorrow if I fail to do a few administrative things; I don't know if my manager knows this, though.

I keep thinking about how I'll have to come back anyway and still report back into work. Damn. How the hell am I going to do that? I hate it, and I assume that the longer I'm gone the less I'll want to go back. You see, I know that the work will build up. On top of that, my manager, I'm sure, has already started compiling a list of shit I fucked up on.

And then there's the Red Light. How I hate that little red light. You know which one I'm talking about--the voicemail indicator light. Oh, how I hate that light. It sits there on my phone. And I hate answering the phone, so that light is lit up a lot. But even MORE, I hate that Red Light. So I check my messages a lot, and answer the phone (despite my hatred of the people at the other end) a whole lot to keep that fucking Red Light from glowing.

But I'll get back and despite my message that says, "I won't be here from the 25th to the 30th. If there is an emergency, you may reach so-and-so at extension blah-blah-blah. I will be UNREACHABLE during this time," there'll be at LEAST 12--NO, FIFTEEN!!--messages. Most messages will say something along the lines of their issue being really important and could I call them back immediately. Cunts.

I asked my manager if I could say, "I won't be here from the 25th to the 30th. If there is an emergency, please hang up and dial 9-1-1." She said no. I think that'd be pretty funny. "9-1-1?! I need to file a tax return, and the guy that is supposed to be there ISN'T!!"

I just know that something's going to happen while I'm gone so that on Monday, August 1st, when I come sauntering through the door, I'll wish I hadn't. I'll wish I'd missed my flight, overslept, found a different job, ANYTHING.

Meanwhile, I was talking to coworkers about area condos. In my previous post, I said the cheapest condo in Pasadena would be about $400,000. Nah, it'd probably be closer to $500,000. What the fuck is this?

In almost any other city, I could afford a somewhat nice, relatively large house in a nice neighborhood. Here? Forget it. Think of renting and living off Kraft macaroni and cheese for the rest of my life.

Try to cope without me, okay? I'll be gone a week, and during that time I assume I won't be able to update my blog. Be strong, bitches!