I got word from a friend from within the Pepsi empire that they were about to send out this press release, and then sent the product back to testing. Right now, he's not sure on the future of the whole 'food-drinks' concept, but this is what we're looking at coming down the pipeline...
Pepsi Ham
Pepsi has successfully test-marketed Pepsi Ham--the first ham-based soft drink. It still has all the ham flavor of a Sunday meal, but with a quarter of the calories and in the convenient bottle or can everyone is used to. At its release, it will be available in 12 ounce cans and one liter bottles, to be followed by two and three liter bottles.
Pepsi Ham started in response to a failed merger with Hormel. They found that a lot of their customers enjoyed pork products.
"It was only natural that we put the two together," Frank Erikshod explained, director of the soft drink-food product crossover division. "We found that most people want to combine the smooth flavor they've come to enjoy in Pepsi matched with the smokey taste of honey ham. But without all the fat and hassle of chewing."
The Pepsi Ham will also be followed later by Pepsi Fish Fillet and Pepsi Corned Beef--which are both Kosher for Passover. "Sometimes you can't be at the Seder table," Rabbi Schmein Henkle. "When I first came to Pepsi to head up the Kosher food-drink products, I knew we had to find flavors that didn't just appeal to our Jewish customer. And I think we did it very well."
Indeed, it was difficult to extract the complex flavor of a meal and distill it into America's favorite soft drink, but Pepsi has proven itself to be about innovation.
Monday, May 03, 2010
Friday, April 09, 2010
Read This While You're Bored
I wrote a little something for our wedding guests. My plan was to leave a few of these papers on each table so that guests could a) have a little souvenir and b) have something to read if they got bored (like if they arrived early or whatever). I was pretty proud of myself, because sometimes weddings can be boring (and 'sometimes' is putting it nicely. However, what actually happened is that I forgot to print them out. I suppose with my luck, I should be glad I showed up on the right day at the right time at the right place. So here for you is my Read This If/When You're Bored--meant for my wedding guests, but now for you here:
Read This If/When You’re Bored:
Here are some fun things to read, as well as some games.
Fun Facts About the Bride and Groom
• Ryan worked at Cliff’s Amusement Park as a street show actor. That was his first job, though he never talks about it—nor will he. So don’t ask.
• Le’s first job was at 99 Ranch. She was a good bagger.
• Ryan loves peanut butter and banana sandwiches—just like Elvis (though Ryan doesn’t fry them).
• Every car Le has ever had was a Honda Civic.
• Le doesn’t like Japanese curry, but likes Indian and Thai curry. What’s her problem?
• Ryan’s jobs have included sandwich maker, dishwasher, server, tax collector, toy sales, music sales, tutor, R&D engineer, resident advisor, orientation leader, confectioner, and waterworks engineer.
• Ryan has one movie credit.
• Le’s favorite computer game is The Sims.
• Le likes apple-tinis.
• Le went to CSULA. Ryan went to CSULA. They did not meet there, nor were they there at the same time.
Rejected Honeymoon Ideas
• We could fly into Munster, Indiana and stay at the 3-star Hampton Inn. Sure, it’s freezing outside, but there’s great Chicago-style pizza right down the street and Planet Pork Chops is a short 10 minute drive. We could hit the movie house or swim in the indoor pool. There’s a Trader Joe’s 30 minutes away. What else do we need?
• We tell everyone we went on a honeymoon, but stay in beautiful West Los Angeles (right next to Santa Monica! Wow!). We pretend we don’t speak English (or Chinese) when people call so they leave us alone for a couple of weeks. We could go to the beach (though it might be chilly, so we wouldn’t be able to swim) and maybe go to downtown LA to take in some museums (we could park at Ryan’s work for free!).
• We could stay in Yuma, AZ or Blythe, CA on the border. It’s in the desert, so we’d get that Palm Springs-desert feeling without the cool hotels, restaurants, museums, and atmosphere. It’d be like visiting a really low-end resort.
• We could go to Hawaii, but instead of flying there we could stow away on a freighter by packing ourselves into a large shipping carton. We’d just have to stock up on supplies from Trader Joe’s and Costco, figure out waste disposal, and figure out how to stay quiet for a month. So adventurous.
• Know how people do Habitat For Humanity? We could do something like that in Hawaii. But instead of volunteering, we could go find some job sites that will actually pay us. Then at night when everyone goes home, we stay in the unfinished house. It would be romantic.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie…that’s corneal abrasion.
Things Le Made Ryan Eat Since They’ve Been Together
• Chicken feet (it’s okay)
• Durian (pretty good; smells funny)
• Bitter mellon (yuck)
• Shark-fin soup (good stuff)
Things Ryan Refuses to Eat
• Congealed cow or pig blood
• Human
What Did Le Want to be When She Grew Up?
• Nurse
• Graphic designer
• Hairdresser
What Did Ryan Want to be When He Grew Up?
• Firetruck
• Nuclear engineer
• Writer
If Le could have any car(s)…
• She would want to be driven around by a chauffer. She doesn’t care what kind of car it is as long as it’s comfortable and quiet.
If Ryan could have any car(s)…
• Mercedes SLR
• Maserati Gran Turismo
• Cadillac CTS-V
• Audi R8 V10
• Something green
Which ONE of these words is real?
Obfuscationization
Malibdificence
Gorbochevity
Ogletimidity
Dog
Shelgidectomy
Homeocylindrical
Polyfractibility
Number Fun (Try it! It’s fun!)
1) Choose a number between 1 and 10.
2) Add 3.
3) Multiply times 5.
4) Raise it to the 2nd power.
5) Punch yourself in the face 6 times.
6) Take the number you end up with and write out a check to the bride and groom in that amount.
Ice Breakers: Ask Your Neighbor Some Questions…
1) 1) What is your name?
2) Do you like pickles?
3) What’s your favorite movie?
4) Do you think you could beat me up?
5) If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
6) What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
7) Do you want to arm wrestle?
8) What is your least favorite food?
9) Can I have a pint of your blood?
10) If you could be any animal, what would it be?
11) If you could eat any animal, what would it be?
12) What are some foods you refuse to eat?
13) What did/do you want to be when you grew/grow up?
14) What would you name your chicken if you decided to hit the cockfighting circuit?
15) Why are/aren’t you a vegetarian?
16) Would you eat a radial tire for $100,000 if you had a year to eat it? $250,000? How much would it take?
Read This If/When You’re Bored:
Here are some fun things to read, as well as some games.
Fun Facts About the Bride and Groom
• Ryan worked at Cliff’s Amusement Park as a street show actor. That was his first job, though he never talks about it—nor will he. So don’t ask.
• Le’s first job was at 99 Ranch. She was a good bagger.
• Ryan loves peanut butter and banana sandwiches—just like Elvis (though Ryan doesn’t fry them).
• Every car Le has ever had was a Honda Civic.
• Le doesn’t like Japanese curry, but likes Indian and Thai curry. What’s her problem?
• Ryan’s jobs have included sandwich maker, dishwasher, server, tax collector, toy sales, music sales, tutor, R&D engineer, resident advisor, orientation leader, confectioner, and waterworks engineer.
• Ryan has one movie credit.
• Le’s favorite computer game is The Sims.
• Le likes apple-tinis.
• Le went to CSULA. Ryan went to CSULA. They did not meet there, nor were they there at the same time.
Rejected Honeymoon Ideas
• We could fly into Munster, Indiana and stay at the 3-star Hampton Inn. Sure, it’s freezing outside, but there’s great Chicago-style pizza right down the street and Planet Pork Chops is a short 10 minute drive. We could hit the movie house or swim in the indoor pool. There’s a Trader Joe’s 30 minutes away. What else do we need?
• We tell everyone we went on a honeymoon, but stay in beautiful West Los Angeles (right next to Santa Monica! Wow!). We pretend we don’t speak English (or Chinese) when people call so they leave us alone for a couple of weeks. We could go to the beach (though it might be chilly, so we wouldn’t be able to swim) and maybe go to downtown LA to take in some museums (we could park at Ryan’s work for free!).
• We could stay in Yuma, AZ or Blythe, CA on the border. It’s in the desert, so we’d get that Palm Springs-desert feeling without the cool hotels, restaurants, museums, and atmosphere. It’d be like visiting a really low-end resort.
• We could go to Hawaii, but instead of flying there we could stow away on a freighter by packing ourselves into a large shipping carton. We’d just have to stock up on supplies from Trader Joe’s and Costco, figure out waste disposal, and figure out how to stay quiet for a month. So adventurous.
• Know how people do Habitat For Humanity? We could do something like that in Hawaii. But instead of volunteering, we could go find some job sites that will actually pay us. Then at night when everyone goes home, we stay in the unfinished house. It would be romantic.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie…that’s corneal abrasion.
Things Le Made Ryan Eat Since They’ve Been Together
• Chicken feet (it’s okay)
• Durian (pretty good; smells funny)
• Bitter mellon (yuck)
• Shark-fin soup (good stuff)
Things Ryan Refuses to Eat
• Congealed cow or pig blood
• Human
What Did Le Want to be When She Grew Up?
• Nurse
• Graphic designer
• Hairdresser
What Did Ryan Want to be When He Grew Up?
• Firetruck
• Nuclear engineer
• Writer
If Le could have any car(s)…
• She would want to be driven around by a chauffer. She doesn’t care what kind of car it is as long as it’s comfortable and quiet.
If Ryan could have any car(s)…
• Mercedes SLR
• Maserati Gran Turismo
• Cadillac CTS-V
• Audi R8 V10
• Something green
Which ONE of these words is real?
Obfuscationization
Malibdificence
Gorbochevity
Ogletimidity
Dog
Shelgidectomy
Homeocylindrical
Polyfractibility
Number Fun (Try it! It’s fun!)
1) Choose a number between 1 and 10.
2) Add 3.
3) Multiply times 5.
4) Raise it to the 2nd power.
5) Punch yourself in the face 6 times.
6) Take the number you end up with and write out a check to the bride and groom in that amount.
Ice Breakers: Ask Your Neighbor Some Questions…
1) 1) What is your name?
2) Do you like pickles?
3) What’s your favorite movie?
4) Do you think you could beat me up?
5) If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
6) What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
7) Do you want to arm wrestle?
8) What is your least favorite food?
9) Can I have a pint of your blood?
10) If you could be any animal, what would it be?
11) If you could eat any animal, what would it be?
12) What are some foods you refuse to eat?
13) What did/do you want to be when you grew/grow up?
14) What would you name your chicken if you decided to hit the cockfighting circuit?
15) Why are/aren’t you a vegetarian?
16) Would you eat a radial tire for $100,000 if you had a year to eat it? $250,000? How much would it take?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Food Stamp Fights
California's economy is in a bad way. The state government was talking about selling off some of it's real estate assets--and this was BEFORE everyone realized the state coffers were beyond empty. You wanted to sell the LA Coliseum. Nevermind the emotional attachment some people have--fuck that. Emotions don't put food on the table.
Food stamps are getting popular. It COULD be a bad thing--more money from the state budget to feed the people that lost their jobs. We as Californians have the ingenuity and the will to make this work, though. We have the ability to turn an annoyance or a negative into an asset.
Our leadership--that's YOU, Arnie--needs to act, and act fast. We need some genius ways to get some money--before it's too, too late (you know, since it's too late already...). I have an excellent idea.
Don't sell off the LA Coliseum just yet, because we can use that. I'll boil it down for you...
Problem: No fucking money and all those food stamps and Medical costs.
Solution: Think about musical chairs. You have ten kids and nine chairs, some music, and a recipe for a good time. Now imagine the same thing, but instead of chairs, we use food stamp benefits and blunt weapons--knives, swords, shields. We're talking ancient Roman gladiator shit. You put a group of 100 food stamp recipients in the LA Coliseum--just pluck them from the lines at the unemployment office. Fuck, put a lion in the middle of the Coliseum with them for safe measure. Give them aforementioned weapons, and tell them that the last man standing gets a $500 shopping spree at the grocery store of their choice and a $1,000 off any General Motors vehicle.
If the lion wins, though, they all lose.
You're thinking, "This is cruel." But think about it--you'll have either 0 or 1 food stamp recipients after this. And that lion doesn't eat for free, either, but I'll continue. All you've spent was the $500 for the shopping spree (which you might be able to get donated--it is tax deductible, after all) and the $1,000 off any GM vehicle (which they'll give to anybody anyway). What have you spent? Nothing (assuming you can get someone to donate a lion).
Benefits? The savings in food stamps, for one, but that's just the beginning. Meanwhile, you've already sold tickets to the Coliseum. All the human rights groups will be outside picketing the event--free publicity. Hell, PETA will be there, too--more free publicity. Look at what the Coliseum holds:
70,000 seats
140 luxury suite
10,000 club seats
Let's charge $50 for general admission, $250 for club seats, and $25,000 per luxury suite. We're looking at $9.5 million per event--excluding concessions. This is just ticket revenue. We haven't even looked at the bidding war with the major networks to televise this. That will make the ticket revenue look like chump change. And any other city that takes this idea will have to pay the State of California royalties.
If we keep doing these events, we'll eventually have no more food stamp recipients and a healthy budget. Some day in the not-too-distant future you'll thank me, California.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
I LOVE FACEBOOK!!!
Some people love Facefuck. At any time of the day, you can log on and see exactly what your friends and/or family (but not Mom or Dad for the love of Christ) are doing. The first couple of weeks on Facefuck are like a Goddamn honeymoon. All your friends are there--and NOW you are too! Your buddy from the fifth grade? There he is! Your friend from college who is now married with six kids, a labrador, husband, live-in lesbian girlfriend, and an open marriage? There she is! That effeminate boy who later came out of the closet, and then later went back in and married a large-bosomed woman that looks like she fell from the pages of the coarsest pornography?
Yep, all there. It's like you get to hang out with all your friends. And what's better, you get to see what they're doing all through the day if you want.
And on and on and on like this. I read shit like this every time I go onto Facefuck. Facefuck makes me want to repeatedly punch myself in the face. These are my friends we're talking about (note--the above wasn't a real series from Facefuck). Now, I want to know what's going on in my friends' lives, but...so much detail? And it's not detail--that's the thing. There's no detail. They're killing me with banalities. Is life so boring that they have to broadcast this to whomever will listen?
Not that I'm complaining.
And not that I'm talking about YOU. You're fine; I just thought you'd be able to identify with me. YOU know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about all those other clowns.
Yep, all there. It's like you get to hang out with all your friends. And what's better, you get to see what they're doing all through the day if you want.
"I'm bored. Looking in the fridge...Nothin' there. Man, I need to do some shopping."
"Just bought some bananas. Too green to eat. Hungry, though. Should I eat a waffle?"
"Bunnies are funny. I want a dog, though."
"Just dropped the kids off at daycare."
"Lots to do today at work. Running late."
"Doing FB on Blackberry is hard but can do whil I drve to wirk! Pepole cant' drive!!"
"Suns out! Me no want to work!"
"Called in sick! Going to play outside today!"
"Ate a waffle. Bananas are ripe. Not hungry, though. I'll eat them later."
"Bored. There's nothing to do. Going to take a quick nap."
"Those bananas are too brown. What should I do with them? Banana bread?"
"Went to store. Just got back. Nothing on TV."
"Picked up kids at daycare."
"Depressed. :("
"I hate bananas. Why do I buy them? Threw them away."
"What's on TV? There's something with David Hasselhoff..."
And on and on and on like this. I read shit like this every time I go onto Facefuck. Facefuck makes me want to repeatedly punch myself in the face. These are my friends we're talking about (note--the above wasn't a real series from Facefuck). Now, I want to know what's going on in my friends' lives, but...so much detail? And it's not detail--that's the thing. There's no detail. They're killing me with banalities. Is life so boring that they have to broadcast this to whomever will listen?
Not that I'm complaining.
And not that I'm talking about YOU. You're fine; I just thought you'd be able to identify with me. YOU know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about all those other clowns.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Next Week: Chicago
Next week I go to Chicago. And with this, I'm presented with a new problem. Sure, it's asshole-shrinkingly cold, but that's not my concern.
Where the fuck am I supposed to eat? And by the way, I'm going to Munster, Indiana which is NEAR Chicago--but not in Chicago.
The Problem:
There are no resources with unbiased reviews online. Yelp? You think that's unbiased? I've been into many, many highly recommended places on Yelp that tasted like warm shit on a plate (and everyone knows that warm shit tastes much worse than cold shit--it's a fact). The reason, it seems, is that people are biased. People who own shitty restaurants call up their friends and tell them to put glowing reviews on Yelp. Then, idiots like me go in expecting tasty food and instead put the aforementioned warm shit in my mouth.
The Solution:
Legal arson. You see, they need to add a pay feature into Yelp (hello, revenue stream!) so that paying subscribers can put in a vote to burn a place down if the food doesn't live up to the hype. That 5-star vegetarian place served you a dry shit-tasting sandwich? You get more than five 'Burn the Fucker Down' votes in, and you go out for the public burning. People who pay seem to take their opinion more seriously (ie. sites like Metafilter); free services tend to be packed in with people who have crossed the border to Retardoland (fuck these guys and fuck these guys).
Where the fuck am I supposed to eat? And by the way, I'm going to Munster, Indiana which is NEAR Chicago--but not in Chicago.
The Problem:
There are no resources with unbiased reviews online. Yelp? You think that's unbiased? I've been into many, many highly recommended places on Yelp that tasted like warm shit on a plate (and everyone knows that warm shit tastes much worse than cold shit--it's a fact). The reason, it seems, is that people are biased. People who own shitty restaurants call up their friends and tell them to put glowing reviews on Yelp. Then, idiots like me go in expecting tasty food and instead put the aforementioned warm shit in my mouth.
The Solution:
Legal arson. You see, they need to add a pay feature into Yelp (hello, revenue stream!) so that paying subscribers can put in a vote to burn a place down if the food doesn't live up to the hype. That 5-star vegetarian place served you a dry shit-tasting sandwich? You get more than five 'Burn the Fucker Down' votes in, and you go out for the public burning. People who pay seem to take their opinion more seriously (ie. sites like Metafilter); free services tend to be packed in with people who have crossed the border to Retardoland (fuck these guys and fuck these guys).
Saturday, January 02, 2010
My Brilliant Restaurant Idea
I'm going to share a big secret with you and only you. Don't tell.
I'm going to open a restaurant. You're probably saying, "70% of all restaurants fail within the first year." Whatever. This one is going to be big.
The Idea
The place will be called 'More Than Meet' (which, though nonsensical, people will think is high-brow and intelligently funny). It'll be a vegan place where everything on the menu will taste just like the real thing it's supposed to mimic. Our hamburgers will taste, look, and smell just like hamburgers. Our hot dogs wrapped in bacon will make anyone say, "This is VEGAN?" Want to cut into a steak that actually fights back--something you actually have to saw that knife into? None of that rubbery tofu resilience. We're talking meats that are just like the real thing. A simple omelet that tastes like--surprise!--a real omelet? Fucking A right!
"Jesus," they'll say. "This burger tastes so real. I haven't eaten a burger in 8 years, and this tastes just like the real thing."
Even the meat-eaters will be like, "Wow! This steak is so good. I could totally go vegetarian."
People not only are willing to pay a premium for vegetarian foods, but a higher premium for vegan foods. Vegetarian/vegan foods that mimic non-vegetarian foods? An even higher premium.
Here's some math if you don't understand it so far:
Premium + Premium + Premium = Big Time Money
The Execution
I'll get a warehouse a few miles away. I'll get a bunch of large empty containers that will say, "Proprietary Meat Substitute." The meat substitute will be my restaurant's proprietary recipe. Each week under the cover of night, I'll sneak in shipments of meat--cheap steaks, hamburger meat, hot dogs--and repackage them in the containers that say "Proprietary Meat Substitute." Then, those containers will be trucked to each restaurant. That way, people will see the truck roll up and unload a bunch of containers that say it's meat SUBSTITUTE. That's enough evidence they'll need to know this is the real deal (though it's not--but they'll THINK it is).
And for awhile, everyone will be happy with themselves. The meat-eaters who frequent 'More Than Meet' will be happy because they'll think they're eating healthy. The vegetarians will be happy because they're staying with their diet. The vegans will be happy because they'll be convinced that they're not harming animals. The health inspectors will be happy because they'll be getting paid off.
In the meantime, I can dump a large portion of the profits (ie. around 5%) into research and development so that I can actually develop meat substitute so that right before I'm found out, I'll be able to replace the meat with meat substitute.
I'm going to open a restaurant. You're probably saying, "70% of all restaurants fail within the first year." Whatever. This one is going to be big.
The Idea
The place will be called 'More Than Meet' (which, though nonsensical, people will think is high-brow and intelligently funny). It'll be a vegan place where everything on the menu will taste just like the real thing it's supposed to mimic. Our hamburgers will taste, look, and smell just like hamburgers. Our hot dogs wrapped in bacon will make anyone say, "This is VEGAN?" Want to cut into a steak that actually fights back--something you actually have to saw that knife into? None of that rubbery tofu resilience. We're talking meats that are just like the real thing. A simple omelet that tastes like--surprise!--a real omelet? Fucking A right!
"Jesus," they'll say. "This burger tastes so real. I haven't eaten a burger in 8 years, and this tastes just like the real thing."
Even the meat-eaters will be like, "Wow! This steak is so good. I could totally go vegetarian."
People not only are willing to pay a premium for vegetarian foods, but a higher premium for vegan foods. Vegetarian/vegan foods that mimic non-vegetarian foods? An even higher premium.
Here's some math if you don't understand it so far:
Premium + Premium + Premium = Big Time Money
The Execution
I'll get a warehouse a few miles away. I'll get a bunch of large empty containers that will say, "Proprietary Meat Substitute." The meat substitute will be my restaurant's proprietary recipe. Each week under the cover of night, I'll sneak in shipments of meat--cheap steaks, hamburger meat, hot dogs--and repackage them in the containers that say "Proprietary Meat Substitute." Then, those containers will be trucked to each restaurant. That way, people will see the truck roll up and unload a bunch of containers that say it's meat SUBSTITUTE. That's enough evidence they'll need to know this is the real deal (though it's not--but they'll THINK it is).
And for awhile, everyone will be happy with themselves. The meat-eaters who frequent 'More Than Meet' will be happy because they'll think they're eating healthy. The vegetarians will be happy because they're staying with their diet. The vegans will be happy because they'll be convinced that they're not harming animals. The health inspectors will be happy because they'll be getting paid off.
In the meantime, I can dump a large portion of the profits (ie. around 5%) into research and development so that I can actually develop meat substitute so that right before I'm found out, I'll be able to replace the meat with meat substitute.
Monday, December 28, 2009
The OSHA Guy
I was in a meeting today and they were talking about compliance with OSHA. "Yeah, we need to set up a time for the OSHA guy got come down."
"Oh," someone said, "They're sending a new OSHA guy."
"Really? Why?"
"He died."
Long silence as everyone pretended to pay silent respects, but you know everyone was thinking what I was thinking. "Did he fall off the top step of a ladder and break his neck?"
This, of course, would be ironic. This, sir, would be the ironies of ironies. And yet, I suppose that this wasn't a forum for dark humor. These are professional people in a professional meeting who probably don't see the humor in irony.
Beethoven was deaf.
Mozart the musical genius? A complete pervert.
People thought Einstein was stupid when he was a kid. This was before they could even use the term 'Einstein' in a sarcastic sense. "Hey, Einstein, why are you so fucking stupid?"
Delicious irony.
OSHA guy died of a heart attack, though. That's not really irony; that's just a shame.
"Oh," someone said, "They're sending a new OSHA guy."
"Really? Why?"
"He died."
Long silence as everyone pretended to pay silent respects, but you know everyone was thinking what I was thinking. "Did he fall off the top step of a ladder and break his neck?"
This, of course, would be ironic. This, sir, would be the ironies of ironies. And yet, I suppose that this wasn't a forum for dark humor. These are professional people in a professional meeting who probably don't see the humor in irony.
Beethoven was deaf.
Mozart the musical genius? A complete pervert.
People thought Einstein was stupid when he was a kid. This was before they could even use the term 'Einstein' in a sarcastic sense. "Hey, Einstein, why are you so fucking stupid?"
Delicious irony.
OSHA guy died of a heart attack, though. That's not really irony; that's just a shame.
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