I was in a meeting today and they were talking about compliance with OSHA. "Yeah, we need to set up a time for the OSHA guy got come down."
"Oh," someone said, "They're sending a new OSHA guy."
"Really? Why?"
"He died."
Long silence as everyone pretended to pay silent respects, but you know everyone was thinking what I was thinking. "Did he fall off the top step of a ladder and break his neck?"
This, of course, would be ironic. This, sir, would be the ironies of ironies. And yet, I suppose that this wasn't a forum for dark humor. These are professional people in a professional meeting who probably don't see the humor in irony.
Beethoven was deaf.
Mozart the musical genius? A complete pervert.
People thought Einstein was stupid when he was a kid. This was before they could even use the term 'Einstein' in a sarcastic sense. "Hey, Einstein, why are you so fucking stupid?"
Delicious irony.
OSHA guy died of a heart attack, though. That's not really irony; that's just a shame.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Underachievements of Mankind
The last time I posted anything to this blog was in January of 2007. I was a different person back then. I was almost three years younger. My, how the time flies. And it really does, too.
Now on the cusp of 2010, we should stop and look at things society expected to happen by now. Have we made some big achievements? Sure. But what about the REALLY big ones? Let's look at problems standing in the way of the huge achievements, and some solutions...
1) WORLD PEACE
Fuck that. We'd have world peace oozing out of our ears if it wasn't for the Goddamn foreigners. The problem? Foreigners. Solution? We annex all the other countries. We send out telegrams (yes, telegrams--do it old school) that say, "Welcome to America. You're now one of us." Seriously, this will totally mindfuck the world into ceasing their fighting.
2) FLYING CARS
Flying cars. Not a day goes by when I look up to the sky and think, "If I were driving up there, I wouldn't be in all this Goddamn traffic." Listen, there's no reason we should spend our lives on the ground. Look at the Jetson's and stop thinking of it as a children's cartoon; think of it as a documentary sent to us from the future. Problem? Driving on the ground. Solution? Take money out of cancer research and put it into flying car development. Think about it, all the focus on cancer research over the last several decades--they should have it pretty much solved by now, right? So let a few people finish it up, and the rest focus on getting cars in the air. Besides, the aliens (see 3 below) will be able to solve the whole "cancer problem."
3) ALIEN CONTACT
Aliens are out there. Statistically speaking, when you take into account the sheer size of the universe combined with our existence, then the probability approaches 1 that there are aliens. If there are any, we could assume we're at least/most average. We're average size, intelligence, and skill-level. That would mean that some aliens are testicle-crunchingly stupid, while others are unfathomably smart. Which means we can exploit the stupid ones and make them our slaves, while we could find some peaceful, pacificst smart aliens who won't MIND being exploited (ie. enslaved). Problem? Nobody takes this seriously enough. Solution? Get a task force together to come up with a shit list--you know, shit that nobody wants to do and we've been putting it off forever. Stuff like raking leaves or repainting your house--but on a national scale. Then we explain to everyone, "Look, if we just focus on communicating with aliens, we'll be able to soon TAKE ADVANTAGE of aliens. Then the ALIENS will do all our shitwork and we can just chill out by the pool."
Now on the cusp of 2010, we should stop and look at things society expected to happen by now. Have we made some big achievements? Sure. But what about the REALLY big ones? Let's look at problems standing in the way of the huge achievements, and some solutions...
1) WORLD PEACE
Fuck that. We'd have world peace oozing out of our ears if it wasn't for the Goddamn foreigners. The problem? Foreigners. Solution? We annex all the other countries. We send out telegrams (yes, telegrams--do it old school) that say, "Welcome to America. You're now one of us." Seriously, this will totally mindfuck the world into ceasing their fighting.
2) FLYING CARS
Flying cars. Not a day goes by when I look up to the sky and think, "If I were driving up there, I wouldn't be in all this Goddamn traffic." Listen, there's no reason we should spend our lives on the ground. Look at the Jetson's and stop thinking of it as a children's cartoon; think of it as a documentary sent to us from the future. Problem? Driving on the ground. Solution? Take money out of cancer research and put it into flying car development. Think about it, all the focus on cancer research over the last several decades--they should have it pretty much solved by now, right? So let a few people finish it up, and the rest focus on getting cars in the air. Besides, the aliens (see 3 below) will be able to solve the whole "cancer problem."
3) ALIEN CONTACT
Aliens are out there. Statistically speaking, when you take into account the sheer size of the universe combined with our existence, then the probability approaches 1 that there are aliens. If there are any, we could assume we're at least/most average. We're average size, intelligence, and skill-level. That would mean that some aliens are testicle-crunchingly stupid, while others are unfathomably smart. Which means we can exploit the stupid ones and make them our slaves, while we could find some peaceful, pacificst smart aliens who won't MIND being exploited (ie. enslaved). Problem? Nobody takes this seriously enough. Solution? Get a task force together to come up with a shit list--you know, shit that nobody wants to do and we've been putting it off forever. Stuff like raking leaves or repainting your house--but on a national scale. Then we explain to everyone, "Look, if we just focus on communicating with aliens, we'll be able to soon TAKE ADVANTAGE of aliens. Then the ALIENS will do all our shitwork and we can just chill out by the pool."
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