Food Stamp Fights

California's economy is in a bad way. The state government was talking about selling off some of it's real estate assets--and this was BEFORE everyone realized the state coffers were beyond empty. You wanted to sell the LA Coliseum. Nevermind the emotional attachment some people have--fuck that. Emotions don't put food on the table.

Our leadership--that's YOU, Arnie--needs to act, and act fast. We need some genius ways to get some money--before it's too, too late (you know, since it's too late already...). I have an excellent idea.

Food stamps are getting popular. It COULD be a bad thing--more money from the state budget to feed the people that lost their jobs. We as Californians have the ingenuity and the will to make this work, though. We have the ability to turn an annoyance or a negative into an asset. 

Don't sell off the LA Coliseum just yet, because we can use that. I'll boil it down for you...

Problem: No fucking money and all those food stamps and Medical costs.

Solution: Think about musical chairs. You have ten kids and nine chairs, some music, and a recipe for a good time. Now imagine the same thing, but instead of chairs, we use food stamp benefits and blunt weapons--knives, swords, shields. We're talking ancient Roman gladiator shit. You put a group of 100 food stamp recipients in the LA Coliseum--just pluck them from the lines at the unemployment office. Fuck, put a lion in the middle of the Coliseum with them for safe measure. Give them aforementioned weapons, and tell them that the last man standing gets a $500 shopping spree at the grocery store of their choice and a $1,000 off any General Motors vehicle.

If the lion wins, though, they all lose.

You're thinking, "This is cruel." But think about it--you'll have either 0 or 1 food stamp recipients after this. And that lion doesn't eat for free, either, but I'll continue. All you've spent was the $500 for the shopping spree (which you might be able to get donated--it is tax deductible, after all) and the $1,000 off any GM vehicle (which they'll give to anybody anyway). What have you spent? Nothing (assuming you can get someone to donate a lion).

Benefits? The savings in food stamps, for one, but that's just the beginning. Meanwhile, you've already sold tickets to the Coliseum. All the human rights groups will be outside picketing the event--free publicity. Hell, PETA will be there, too--more free publicity. Look at what the Coliseum holds:

70,000 seats

140 luxury suite

10,000 club seats

Let's charge $50 for general admission, $250 for club seats, and $25,000 per luxury suite. We're looking at $9.5 million per event--excluding concessions. This is just ticket revenue. We haven't even looked at the bidding war with the major networks to televise this. That will make the ticket revenue look like chump change. And any other city that takes this idea will have to pay the State of California royalties.

If we keep doing these events, we'll eventually have no more food stamp recipients and a healthy budget. Some day in the not-too-distant future you'll thank me, California.