Next Week: Chicago

Next week I go to Chicago. And with this, I'm presented with a new problem. Sure, it's asshole-shrinkingly cold, but that's not my concern.

Where the fuck am I supposed to eat? And by the way, I'm going to Munster, Indiana which is NEAR Chicago--but not in Chicago.

The Problem:
There are no resources with unbiased reviews online. Yelp? You think that's unbiased? I've been into many, many highly recommended places on Yelp that tasted like warm shit on a plate (and everyone knows that warm shit tastes much worse than cold shit--it's a fact). The reason, it seems, is that people are biased. People who own shitty restaurants call up their friends and tell them to put glowing reviews on Yelp. Then, idiots like me go in expecting tasty food and instead put the aforementioned warm shit in my mouth.

The Solution:
Legal arson. You see, they need to add a pay feature into Yelp (hello, revenue stream!) so that paying subscribers can put in a vote to burn a place down if the food doesn't live up to the hype. That 5-star vegetarian place served you a dry shit-tasting sandwich? You get more than five 'Burn the Fucker Down' votes in, and you go out for the public burning. People who pay seem to take their opinion more seriously (ie. sites like Metafilter); free services tend to be packed in with people who have crossed the border to Retardoland (fuck these guys and fuck these guys).