Big-ass Cock

Today was a strangely lovely day. I was surprised. I was expected to be yelled at by my boss. After all, I took two sick days and I'm way, way behind in my work. I left shit in my desk, forgot about it, and now it sort of returned today to bite me in the ass. And yet, things didn't seem to be too bad.

My special lady friend sent me a surprise gift today at work. I heard, "Someone's looking for Ryan." I was going to duck out and run--no shit. If someone's looking for me, it's usually a fucking taxpayer. And I don't like meeting with taxpayers (READ: I don't like to do my job). I knew that they'd find me if I ran anyway, so I went to my manager's office. They were about to hunt me down.

"Ryan, there's someone out there with a gift for you."

Oh, Goddamnit. Usually that means that someone's waiting in the hall, and they're really mad. Usually, they've tried calling and calling, and nobody's called them back. In my case, I rarely return calls or answer my phone anymore. The phone HAD just rung about 3 or 4 times, and I'd ignored it (I covered my ears and turned the volume down so I couldn't hear it ring). I figured, "Damnit, whoever was trying to call me was calling to say they're here in the building."

I asked if the person seemed angry.

"Ryan, they have a gift."

"What was their name so I can go get their case file?"

I was dragged into the hall to a guy holding a gift basket. I thought it was for someone else, but he said it was for me. And they asked for me by my employee number. "Hmmm...Why did a taxpayer send me a gift basket?" But there were so many yummy looking treats: cookies, cupcakes, brownies. Mmmm-mmm, bitch! I signed for it and walked back in, and saw the package was from my very special lady friend.

And then everyone was all over me like ants on shit. "Hey, open that up. Share the wealth. Who sent you that? WHAT?! A girl sent that to you? Why?" And since it said HAPPY BIRTHDAY all over it, everyone thought it was my birthday. People started wishing me happy birthday, though my birthday isn't until January.

It was great, though, because the gift basket came with two party hats, candles, a ribbon (to tie the gift basket together), and a couple of balloons. I inflated the ballons and shoved them down the back of my shirt (the front wouldn't be PC), and put the hats on my head. I walked around chastising everyone else for being unprofessional. It was fun. This actually took up a great portion of my day.

Gas is getting very expensive. I noticed some of my coworkers are trading sex for gasoline. At least, they're trying. They seem to be walking.

I seized my coworker's desk today, and all her possessions. She wasn't at work today, so I put IRS Seized stickers on everything. She can't get it back unless I have it released. Or if she just removes the stickers. She'll probably do the lattert, and then likely will yell at me.

So, tomorrow is my last solid day of work. Thursday, I'm "sick." Friday, I put in my notice. Damn. It's all happening so fast.