My word on SPAM

I'm of course talking about Hormel's tasty ultra-processed meat product. I eat the turkey Spam. The regular Spam is too high in fat (though quite tasty).

Something interesting I noticed today is that on the label for Turkey Spam, they show sliced turkey--as if you're going to open the can and pull out fresh, lean sliced turkey. In fact, sliced turkey has nothing to do with the Spam philosophy. The label says, "Oven Roasted Turkey." What kind of oven is this that you put sliced turkey in and it spits out a block of Turkey Spam? Also pictured with the sliced turkey on the label is a piece of tomato, some lettuce, and even some onion. Perhaps this is a picture of you what you should probably be eating, rather than a can of ultra-processed, high-sodium meat product. I don't know...I just remember that the last time I made a turkey sandwich, I don't remember it involving scooping it from a can or cutting it off a rectangular block.

Believe it or not, there's even a "Proper Spam User Guide" on the back. Is this what this nation has come to? Perhaps it's just the Hawaiians; them I understand needing pictures telling them how to get the meat product out of the can. Evidently, though, it's a scientific four step process (it HAS to be scientific because there's a cartoon drawing of a guy in a lab coat pointing to each of the steps on the label).

STEP ONE: Lift and pull.
STEP TWO: Squeeze until it POPS.<--Something about this just makes my mouth water. Loud pops (gunshots, zits, broken condoms) make me hungry.
STEP THREE: Squeeze and Tap (can on plate)<--It seriously has this in parentheses, in case you're about to squeeze it onto the floor
STEP FOUR: Slice and Fry (or grill, broil, microwave, eat cold)

Thank you, Hormel Foods. You make me secure not only in my new-found knowledge of Spam preparation, but also my sexuality.

Meanwhile, I actually got the green eyesore* running today. I had to drive it (with no functioning brakelights, hardly any gas, old ratty tires, numerous other unseen problems, no headlights, no state safety inspection sticker, expired registration, smokey exhaust) to the mechanic. I hope that they lose the thing, or just forget to work on it for ever. Or maybe we'll be lucky and it'll burst into flames or will fall into the fucking ocean.

*My 1984 Bronco II--the ugliest, rustiest, shittiest car ever. It has a Weber 4 barrel racing carb, though. The carburator is worth more than the car.