Porn and Religion: Together Like PB&J

All right, you want to talk about a brilliant idea? I just thought this one up.

Let's look at fundamentalist Christians in this country. They want to bring Jesus into everything. Jesus is a major reason we invaded Iraq (because they have Allah, and we can't have the towel heads going around yelling, "Praise be Allah!" in whatever weird language they speak). Jesus is why they want to teach creationism in the South. Jesus is why they want prayer back in school. Jesus is why the president won't be impeached (but he's a Christian; why impeach a devout Christian?). Jesus has a stranglehold on the country.

And then there's porn. A lot of people in this country like porn. Porn is already a multi-billion dollar industry. The Christians don't like it, though. They're dead set against it. And I think I figured out why. It takes a Jew to see that you need to combine the two.

"Christian porn?!" you say. "Why that's sick!" I say you're jealous, because YOU didn't think of it. "Yeah," you're saying, "You're right actually. I wish I'd thought of it first."

Examples
"Jesus, I'll Do Anything to Pass This Exam" -- In this scenario, a young, buxom woman sits over her ethics exam. Next to the exam is a large bible. She wears a cross around her neck, and is in fact a nun. She prays out loud. Enter Jesus. He is resplendent in his glowing white robe and Jesus-like beard.

"Jesus? Is that you? You've come to help me pass this exam?"

"Of course."

They read a few bible versus out loud to each other, and things start to get hot.

"I heard you say you'll do anything to pass this exam," he says fingering the exam on her desk.

She smiles lasciviously. "Anything, Jesus."

"I'm going to help open you up to the word of Me."

And then it goes from there into some hardcore. Meanwhile, of course, they still read bible verses out loud, and Jesus (between humps) yells that he endorses the war on the Arabs in Iraq.

Preaching to the Choir Boys -- I'm not going to go into too much detail on this one. Of course, they'll probably end up legalizing kiddy porn, so this one may not work now, but it will soon.

Jesus and the Mistletoe -- A really buxom, hot woman is by herself for Christmas. Watch how religiously hot this gets when the woman prays under the mistletoe for someone to spend Christmas with...and then Jesus, in all his glory, arrives. She'll be saying, "Sweet Jesus," in no time! And he's brought a few of his friends: the three wise men, and EVERYONE wants a piece of the action. It's piece on earth--a piece of action!

The Cable Repair Man -- A woman want her cable repaired. She is dressed in nothing but a see-through nighty. The cable repair guy comes, and then fixes her cable. As soon as he leaves, there's another knock on the door. Apparently, the cable repair guy has left something. He leaves. Then there's another knock on the door. It's Jesus, and he explains to her that everything on the TV is very dirty and will rot her mind. She is turned on by him telling her all this, and it leads into the hot and heavy sex scene.

It brings a new meaning to "Holy Entertainment," if you catch my drift.

Someone send me a script. Let's get this in motion.