Deep Throat is again just an old porno.

America has very few great mysteries. We're a relatively simple, war-mongering people, after all. But Deep Throat was huge. Kept secret for years, nobody truly knew the identity of the man responsible for bringing down Nixon. Books have been written about this very topic. People devoted their careers to trying to figure out WHO Deep Throat was. And of course, there was the book and movie, All the President's Men.

But then, yesterday I turn on the TV and find out it's Felt. And they say it like it's no big deal--as if America hasn't been wondering for thirty-something years who saved the country from the president. They might as well have been saying something as obvious as, "Cigarettes cause cancer. And by the way, Deep Throat was W. Mark Felt." And I hear this from some two-bit hussy on the local morning news. It was depressing. Damn it. Not even someone cool like Tom Brokaw or Ted Coppel. And this was announced, because he deigned to have an article done for Vanity Fair. Let me repeat that: the biggest American mystery of our time was written up in Vanity Fair. Yes, that hard-hitting glamour magazine that has really been at the front of social, economic, and political commentary. Look out, Economist!

Now there's nothing. No big mystery, no big excitement. It was released in such an unexciting, pithy way. No pomp. No circumstance. No pomp or circumstance.

ANALogy
What if I told you I was going to do this great magic trick? Not only that, but I get you to believe it will be the most amazing trick you'll EVER SEE. You'll be like, "Wow, sounds great." And then I say, "Okay, wait right here. I've got to build up to it. You'll love it. Just wait...RIGHT THERE!! AND DON'T FUCKING MOVE! Because if you move, you'll ruin the trick--the most awesome trick you'll ever see!"

So I leave you standing there for 31 years. As time goes by, you wonder about this trick. "Wow, this trick must be amazing. I mean, it must be really great if he's leaving me standing here for 31 years." And then I come back and pull a coin out of your ear. You understand what I'm sayin ghere?

How Felt Should Have Made His Announcement
First of all, you must remember that Felt was the deputy director of the FBI. That means he has lots of connections as the former number 2 man at the F-fucking-B-I. All right, so he uses those connections to jam the signals of ALL TV stations in the United States (and what the fuck? Canada and Mexico too). So then he takes control of every channel in North America and has complete control of the airwaves. But he doesn't just SAY, "Hey, assholes. I'm Deep Throat." You've got to build up to an announcement like that.

Fade from black. You see a huge cannon. Then BANG, Mr. Felt is SHOT out of the cannon across the Potomac River. He lands on the other side and rolls a few times (no padding or helmet or anything). He then stands up, dusts himself off, and walks to a podium. As he walks, music plays--I'm thinking "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash. He says nothing. The music fades, and Felt holds up a large sign that simply says, "I am..." and then he puts it down and holds up another sign that says, "Deep Throat." Then, you hear a piano playing and the camera pans to Dave Brubeck, and he's playing "Take Five." Roll credits. Dissolve out.

Now THAT'S how you say you're the one responsible of changing the face of American politics. Sweet, huh?