No More Simpsons, Please

The Sitcom Problem
I am an aficionado of the sitcom. Something about that formulaic medium that just draws me in. I make references to Seinfeld episodes on a daily basis. But other people do this too. I think we do this for a variety of reasons, but that's not really the point.

I watch sitcoms. I feel I know good sitcoms. And what I have to say next may shock you, but I'm a sitcom professional. I know some of you will disagree, and nay-say (You're such a nay-sayer! Always nay-saying!), but it's time to wake up and face the truth. After watching a bit of TV tonight, I've concluded the following:

The Simpsons has run its course and should have ended around the time Seinfeld ended. Seinfeld went out at its peak of popularity. The Simpsons continues to drag on. And think about it--they started around the same time time; they wore born in the same generation. Seinfeld ended eight years ago, though.

And have you actually sat down and watched an episode of The Simpsons lately? It's almost painful. They've used up all their good ideas. Now, there's no plot. The characters are old, dull, predictable. It's sad, really. I actually have a desire to read a Goddamn book while watching this show. Now that's pretty scary.

My Success Seminars
You think I'm kidding? You think I'm joking about giving seminars about how to be successful? If I weren't serious, would I have sat down and come up with a list of seminar TITLES? No, I'm much too lazy for that. I'm talking about holding seminars that will teach you--YES, YOU!--how to be successful like me--NOT QUITE LIKE ME, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH THAT I WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOU COMPETING!

I got a lot of requests (okay, just a few (and by a few, I mean one--thank you, Le))) for the Walking Down the Aisle With Success, so I'll probably do this one next. But I'll need more than one person attending, so I'll put up some customer testimonial to convince YOU (my potential customers (NOT victims)) to plunk down your hard-earned cash for my seminar.

TESTIMONIAL FOR Walking Down the Aisle With Success...
Read what others had to say about this life-altering program.

Ed from the Fort Bend County Maximum Security Correctional Facility says, "Before this program, I was a wreck. I was scared and felt like a failure. I was in prison after all. But Mr. Medinski and his seminar helped me to realize that I was in a maximum security prison. You can't get any grander than MAXIMUM. So when the other fellas dressed me up and make me parade around like the block whore, I now feel a sense of purpose--a sense of success! Thank you Mr. Medinski!"

Rodney, the mayor of a southern Colorado town says, "Before the program, I felt like a big failure. I was caught using town property to help the South American cartels run drugs through to the north. But Mr. Medinski taught me that I wasn't a failure at being mayor, I was a success at international import/export. This really didn't have to do with walking down any aisles."

Edna from Blythe, California said, "I loved the program. Loved it! I love it. It was great. Can I get my heroin now? You said I'd get some NEW syringes if I said that I loved it. Don't be holding out on me. Don't call me a crack whore! Fuck you! FUCK YOU!!! I'm GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!!"