The Teddy Bear Intervention

My cubicle mate* has a collection of stuffed teddy bears. They sit on her desk and give her cubicle a homey, this-isn't-an-office-but-more-of-a-bedroom feel. I usually make comments about them, or pretend one is a crack whore and the other a john, or grab a couple of them and recreate scenes from famous movies like Silence of the Lambs. I make one Buffalo Bill, another is the hostage in the pit in Buffalo Bill's basement, and the stuffed dog is Precious (Buffalo Bill's dog). I then...
Girl in Pit: My daddy will pay you lots of money if you let me go!
Buffalo Bill: It takes the lotion and puts it in the basket.
Precious: Woof!
Girl in Pit: Please, mister, I-
Bufallo Bill: Put the fucking lotion in the basket!
Precious: Woof!

But today, I set up all the teddy bears (except for one) on her office chair. One was perched on the seat back, three sat on the seat, one sat on the left armrest, and two sat on the right. And then I wrote things on post-its and stuck them on some of the stuffed bears. Each post-it had a number on it, because it was meant to be read in order.
1) "We wanted to have a talk with you. All of us did. It's very important."
2) "Now we're very concerned for our safety. You don't see what happens when you're not around..."
3) "He does things. Scary things. I won't say who, because we're not here to point fingers."
4) "We're not saying we're demanding that you make him go away...We just want you to be aware, and keep an eye on him."
5) "Why does he do this? What's wrong with him?! WHY?! WHY?!!"
And that last one I put in a dark corner on top of her desk far away from the other bears. I stuck the staple remover and a small, sharp letter opener in its little teddy bear arms and made it face the corner. It was the most sinister of all the bears, and it looked bizarre set up the way it did--scary.

I would have thought this would have gotten a positive reaction. You know how much time I spent setting this up? My cubicle mate didn't seem too amused. She told me I was insane. When I asked her if I thought it was funny, she stared straight ahead and repeated that I was insane.

What the heck?

That Down-Home Feeling
I work with a hard-core, red-blooded Texan. I hate Texans. A state of Goddamn morons. However, I admittedly am somewhat of a Texan having lived there a cumulative 9 years (about 4 in Round Rock, 3 in Houston, 1 in Sugar Land, and 2 months in Richmond).

And today, I was sorry to see my Texan coworker down. She just looked like she needed a pick-me-up. And also, today--Why today? Why at all?--I couldn't remember past the first verse of "Deep in the Heart of Texas." Damn it. And this isn't something I've been thinking about JUST today. I've been thinking for a this few months now, "What the fuck is after the first verse?"

So I yelled out, "EDNA! The stars at night, are big and bright--Deep in the heart of Texas!" And then she did the CLAP*CLAP*CLAP*CLAP! I yelled for her to go on, but she said she had no clue what the rest of the words were. "Damn it! That's why I sang it in the first place." Well, I decided this problem had to be nipped in the bud. I looked up the song online and ten minutes before I left stood up and sang out the following for the benefit of everyone still left in the office:

1. The stars at night
Are big and bright
Deep in the heart of Texas
The prairie sky
Is wide and high
Deep in the heart of Texas

2. The sage in bloom
Is like perfume
Deep in the heart of Texas
Reminds me of
The one I love
Deep in the heart of Texas

What the fuck is wrong with me?

* Cubicle Mate: One that has a cubicle that shares a wall or corner with your cubicle. Those that share a wall are direct cubicle mates; those that share a corner are indirect cubicle mates. I have three direct and two indirect cubicle mates. Do you dig?