I just got home from the dentist. Half my face is numb, and I can hardly speak. When I speak, I drool and slur my words together. And when I drool, I get my shirt wet. And all this together makes me look a little...odd.
So today we sprung our surprise on my coworker and friend. It was a success. He was surprised, and ready to shit his pants.
Kyle's Theory For Finance as it Relates to Women:
Men as the Current Value of Future Cash Flows
I knew a guy in grad school--Kyle. Kyle was a male chauvanist. In high school, the school bully. In college, the fucking aggressive asshole know-it-all. His hobby was cage-fighting. Pretty tough guy. And he'd talk about his fights (usually out of the cage) with folks that pissed him off, but not in a bragging way since he'd also talk about those that he lost. "Dude, they brought out bicycle chains. Who carries bicycle chains?!" He was the guy everyone thought would fail, but turned out to ace everything because he is secretly borderline-brilliant.
In the library, I was studying with him and a couple of other classmates for a corporate finance exam. And he was talking about women as objects--as the enemy. I do not advocate this attitude towards women. We were discussing women, and finance. The two somehow met. He said, "Women treat men like securities. Once you recognize that, you'll get laid all the time."
"What?"
"Bro, women don't care about men as sensitive, or loving, or caring, or whatever. Fuck that. They want money. They want him to be rich." I disagreed, but he said, "Bro, I'm the same way, though. I don't care about talking to girls. I don't care if they're funny, or nice, or smart. I have friends that I talk to. I can't have sex with my friends; that's what women are for."
"Jesus Christ," I said.
"No, it's true! Listen, women see men as the current value of all future cash flows. Think about it. Women like men with money. But they don't just take your money into account. If you have a master's degree in finance, that means you'll make more money in the future. Two men equal in all respects--one has an MBA from UNM, and the other an MBA from Harvard. Who's going to make more, and how much is that worth right now?"
I had to say that in a purely financial sense, this was understandable. "Go on," we prodded.
"And think about if you tell a woman you have that Harvard MBA and you bring her home. I have a friend that keeps boxes everywhere in his apartment. That way when a woman comes to his place and sees all the boxes, he just tells him he bought a house and it's in escrow. That way, she thinks he's packing up to move to this big house. She thinks he has money, and she'll fuck him."
"What if he has a shitty car?" I asked. Out of academic curiosity, of course.
"Then he fuckin' parks it down the block so she can't see it. You can't really explain away a shitty car. She sees a shitty car, she'll know you're dirt-ass broke and a fuckin' liar."
"But it is lying."
"She doesn't have to know that. So what if it's lying? Listen, I'll do anything to get a girl into bed. I'll lie, cheat, steal," he said with this huge grin. "The farce only has to last as long as you still have an erection."
"Jesus."
"I have a friend that gives girls his number on the back of bank deposit receipts."
"So?" we asked.
"So they're bogus. They're fake. He has a friend that sells fake deposit receipts that show checking balances of a few hundred thousand dollars. So the girl thinks you're rich."
We were all surprised by this reprehensible behavior. We had Kyle call this guy to find out how much he charged and how long it would take him to make them. This was all for pure academic research.
The theory is interesting though. Imagine two men equal in all respects that have $50,000 in the bank. One works at a convenience store, and the other goes to Harvard Law School. Who will have the higher future income? That's the way a security works; the market price of a security in the perfect market theory (I think I have the right theory) is simply the current value of all future cash flows.
Junk bonds vs. AAA rated bonds
OTC stocks/pink slip (volatile, smaller float) vs. large cap, low P/E, low beta
What do you think, asshole?
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2 comments:
What do I think? What do I think? I think you need to conduct a cycle of experiments to really flesh this out.
You, Ryan, need to go out as you are now and try and pick up five women. Give them your numbers and check the reponse rate. Try and bed them as soon as possible.
Next, set up your place like you are moving, get some bogus receipts, hide your car and repeat the experiment. Make up crap about your Havard degree.
This will prove two things: 1.) Whether chicks are so into money.
2.) Can Ryan pull off lying to people, can chicks tell?
I eagerly await the results.
Ah, but I am a theorist. I studied finance theory, and my graduate work in this has made me as useful as any liberal arts major.
I can't run the experiment because there'd be no control. I'll have to recruit 5 guys to help--one control, the rest with different variables. Maybe a real Harvard MBA and a cheap MBA or something.
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