Long Blog: Trucks, Lies, and Plagiarism

Are we getting old?

Plagiarism of the Day:
And we still haven’t walked in the glow of each other’s majestic presence. Listen...hear my words. They’re the ones you would think I would say if there was a me for you. All alone at the ’64 world’s fair, eighty dolls yelling, "Small girl after all." Who was at the Dupont pavilion?

Which band, which song, and which album is that off of?
BONUS: Describe the music video.

Why I Love California
California offers many cultural benefits. I'm experiencing one right now.

This is the televised high-speed vehicle pursuit. This is where news helicoptors follow along and film the cops following a stolen car or truck. This time it is a semi with a fully-loaded tractor trailer. The chase started at 10:07--it's been going over two hours. At least one tire is blown, and they're still going.

I've not watched it long--only about 45 minutes. The truck is crawling along the shoulder at about "8 to 10 miles per hour and he's getting up there to the 91." They could just shoot the guy driving it, right? Why not?

It's not the chase itself that offers the entertainment. It's the announcers with their expert guests trying to make conversation for the duration of the chase. They make idiotic comment after retarded comments in response to pure stupidity, and so on. "Wow, this is a tough machine to stop." A 100,000 pound truck? What, are you kidding me?

"What's frightening about this is where the suspects could be hiding. Is there some place they could perhaps hide?" Perhaps in the glove compartment, or in the tape player.

"This driver is obviously is obviously an experienced driver--he's driving in the emergency lane, rather than in the middle of the highway." If I were about to bail from a truck, I'd want to make sure I was going to jump out onto the soft shoulder than hard asphalt.

Apparently, it all started near downtown, and then they headed out west. They even passed Pasadena on the 210. Damn it! That's a half mile away! I could have run out and watched it drive by.

And there's this expert guest I mentioned. A retired truck driver named Steve. What'd they do? Did they pull out the white pages and start making random phone calls? The expert retired truck driver mentioned he can't even watch the chase he's commenting on, because "the TV is in the other room." So somehow, he's commenting on a high-speed semi-truck pursuit that he can't even see.

"At this point, could the average joe figure out how to stop this thing?" At what point? What the hell does this mean? Oh, the commentators are calling the play-by-play, and they keep asking more strange-ass questions. "What speed does this truck idle at, Steve?" Let's discuss all the technical specifications of that big rig, since they're so important for this chase.

"Who would have reported this vehicle stolen if the owner of the truck...uh...is still in it? CHP has a lot of factors working against them right now..." Apparently late in the game, they realized the truck wasn't stolen, but there were three armed people inside who refused to stop.

The male commentator excitedly says, "Let's show tape of the tires falling off, again." The female commentator asks, "Aren't these tires--tractor truck tires--meant to fall off easier? Is that why it just falls off? And isn't that dangerous?" Steve, our expert retired trucker, says no. Apparently the spike strip had something to do with that tire falling off. You see, truck tires are pretty durable, according to Steve.

"Big rigs have become a multi-million dollar business." Yeah. Truck's account for almost .00001% of the Gross Domestic Product of this country. Oh, wait, perhaps that was more like 35%. A huge portion of goods are shipped via over-the-road trucks (pipeline is used to ship the majority of goods in the United States, following by trucks, then barges, air freight, and lastly little people carrying shit around in their backpacks). Let's try multi-trillion dollar business. What a tard-monger.

Why I've Always Been a Liar
Some lies are necessary, que no? If you tell the truth sometimes, then you fuck shit up. And isn't that shitty? But sometimes, you must lie. If your manager asks, "Did you tell your client to take their head out of their ass?"

Obviously, you say, "No." You see, the strategy is that every once in awhile--not TOO often--it's okay to tell somebody something totally random. If you tell EVERYONE to take their heads out of their asses, the manager will start getting a lot of calls from people complaining that an officer told them to take their head out of their ass.

But if, perhaps, you tell someone ONE TIME that if they don't get you the money to full pay their debt, you'll eat their baby, then the manager will be far more sketpical if they try to complain. "He said what? Sir, I'm sure you're mistaken." And then you tell someone ELSE that if they don't pay you, you'll cut their legs and arms off. And another, you'll staple their head to the carpet. They all sound so odd; who would believe them?

Lying is important, though. I used to date a girl back in my college days. We were an 'item' for perhaps two, maybe three days when she said, "My father is coming into town this afternoon and wants to meet you. My mother is sending him because they're curious about you. Is this okay?" Hmm. This doesn't sound good.

"Of course." Yes, of course this is normal. Of course you meet your new girlfriend's father just two days after deciding to be an 'item.' And of course it wasn't an awkward, painful lunch at all. Besides, I had to act like a respectful, ambitious young man, and not a lecherous perv constantly undressing his daughter with (but usually without) my eyes

My boss also asked if the dress she was wearing looked fat. I lied, and said, "No. You look like an especially thin stuffed sausage." Well, everything but the stuffed sausage part.

I just saw He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. That's an amazing film. That movie is FUCKED UP. I was totally blown away. It's like Amelie and The Shining put together.