The BIG Idea...and a Surprise Guest

I came up with a brilliant idea today. It's freaking brilliant, and now's your opportunity to get in on the ground floor. It's an investment--not just in a brilliant idea, but in your future.

So send me money and we can make this happen.

I suppose you want to know the idea. That's fine. You'll have to sign a nondisclosure agreement. And I can't get a good nondisclosure agreement written up until I hire a lawyer. And I can't hire a lawyer until I get money. Your money. Then you can sign the nondisclosure agreement. Then I'll tell you the idea.

My guest poster is Martin Van Buren. He was the eighth president of our United States of America. He wasn't really that popular, so he's kind of a prick. But he insisted he be allowed to talk to the American people.

And now, our guest...

A Message From Martin Van Buren
"Hello, dear friends. Marty, here. I was the eighth president of the United States of America. Can I get a hell yeah? Well, fuck you too, then.

I wanted to talk about intolerance, greed, and incontinence.

Intolerance? You assholes should understand that one. I'm not even going to waste my time.

Greed? Not enough of it. Without greed, you'd have had some weak-ass piece of shit as your eighth president. Then where would your precious country be today? That's right. You'd all be goosestepping to the beat of a Nazi drummer, fuckers. Or worse, socialist--like the Canadians. Is that what you want?

And incontinence. This can mean two things: either loss of control over your excretory functions, or lack of a sexual appetite. Inability to control sexual or exctretory functions. How does this one word mean two completely different things, and yet they're in the same definition in the dictionary? Imagine someone who suffers from both: very messy bedsheets.

And let's set the record straight. I'm not dead. I'm resting. With my eyes closed. And no flesh. And when I get up, I may run for reelection. Vote for Van Buren. Or I'll fuck you up. I'm coming back from the dead bitches! I've got some ideas for social security and nuclear waste disposal that will just rock your socks off.

Peace out."