Kids: They're Not Just Goats

Kids are important. Not that I like them.

I went out with a girl a couple of times. This isn't recent, but I bring it up anyway. We'll call her Attractive Man-Hating Pretentious Angry Chick.

She loved and adored children. And she asked me if I loved kids. I said I love it when they get the stitching right on my clothing. I love it when they make a good shoe that doesn't fall apart after only a couple of months. I love it when they really put effort into their work. She somehow took offense at these things.

And then, on our second date, I noticed she was watching kids. She said they were adorable, and she wanted to eat them all up because they were so cute. I said that other people probably thought she was some sort of psycho, what with her staring at these strangers' stupid kids. And I forgot that the place we went for breakfast didn't take Visa, and I had no cash (but she had plenty of cash for our food). And since she was buying, what's so bad about getting a couple of pieces of cake to take home with me in a to-go box? It looked delicious, and I was too full to eat them there (I could only eat one piece in the restaurant; it was a huge piece of triple chocolate cake).

I don't understand. She never called me back.

Seriously, kids are our future. And when we take money from education, and put it in social security and defense, this seems somehow odd. We're going to have a bunch of really wealthy old people supporting all these dumbass kids. And nuclear weapons that nobody will understand how to use, because all the kids will be so dumb. And then after this, we'll be invaded by all these Third World countries who will realize that we can't operate our own nukes, so they'll come in with their rocks and spears and take us over.

Again, not that I like kids. They're really annoying and little. And they don't contribute to our GDP. They all need to get jobs. All these kids not working--that's why the unemployment rate is so high.