A Message From an Important Guest

I just got a call from Isaac Newton. He said I was being a big bitch, because I hadn't called or emailed in a while. He said the only way I could make it up to him was for me to let him put up a message for everyone on my blog.

I told him, "Isaac, I can't do that. It's my blog."

He said, "Bitch, fuck you. I discovered calculus, I invented motherfuckin' gravity. If I can do that, you know I can fuck you up."

So, without further ado...

Isaac Newton Speaks
Hey, all. I'm Isaac Newton. My friends call me Newty, and the bitches call me dynamite in the sack. Step up, bitches, if you want to disagree.

I felt it was important to talk about the universe and shit like that. See, everyone thinks I'm dead because I was born in 1642. But I didn't die, I've just been chillin' in the 5th dimension. The 4th dimension--yeah, that's some crazy shit. But us smart motherfuckers--we're all fuckin' sitting around in the 5th dimension. Einstein? He's chilling in the 5th dimension. Socrates? He's usually in the 5th dimension, but they've got lower-fat ice cream in the 4th dimension.

The universe is big. It's full of lots and lots and lots and lots of shit: walruses, stars, bitches, hoes, 9's (as in 9 mils, bitch), planets, black holes, black hoes, cuff links, and sausage links. Okay, my list is somewhat incomplete, but I'm just naming some things off the top of my head. The universe includes everything, so it includes at least three or four times more things than the list I just mentioned.

There's a widespread myth about the universe that needs to be dispelled. Some people think the universe is round. It's not. The earth is round. The moon is round. My balls are round. But the universe is not.

The universe is in the shape of a large dildo.

It's true, so fucking true. The religious right knows this. They're suppressing the truth. They know it's shaped like a huge rubbery one, but they want you to think it's round--because that's the wholesome view of the universe. But it ain't round. It's shaped like a huge cock.

That's right. Digest that.

And now you ask what's outside the universe, and how can it have a defined shape if the universe encompasses everything? I knew you'd ask, because you're a nosey fucking prick. Mind your own business, fuckhead.

Peace out, bitches.