The Importance of Being Easter

Easter's here. Not quite, yet, but almost. This is the holiday where we celebrate something about Jesus Christ. Evidently, Jesus Christ is very important to a lot of people, and his resurrection is supposed to be a pretty big deal.

But I'm Jewish, and all the stores will be closed this weekend. What an inopportune weekend for Jesus to decide to come back to life. My parents have come to town and want to buy me things. But how can this happen if all the stores are closed? I did not give up shopping for lent. I gave up religion for lent years ago (while others gave up stupid things like ice cream, smoking, sex, etc.). My rabbi thought this was a good thing to do to celebrate the glory of Easter, what with being Jewish and all.

"Ryan," he said. "You should give up Christianity for Easter. You're Jewish! Get that yarmulke on your head and put down that cross. You'll get a splinter in your finger!" What made this more odd was that I never even had a rabbi, so this made it one of those events I will never forget.

Easter for ultra-reformed Jewish kids (these are the kids who wonder why there's no tree in their living room longer than the other, more religious Jewish children) involves waking up to Easter baskets full of cheap candy purchased the day before in the grocery store, followed by a nonkosher meal. Ah, the memories.

One must not forget the spiritual, historical component of Easter. The Easter bunny is the officially recognized mascot of Easter because this is what Jesus rode into town on in his big resurrection. The Easter bunny's name was Ted. But Jesus and Ted talked about the importance of the big resurrection.

Historical records such as the Dead Sea Scrolls probably tell us (I've not read any of the historical records or what have you, but I'm using logic on this one) that Jesus told Ted, "Listen, Ted. This is a pretty big day."

And Ted said, "I know, Jesus. I've already got an endorsement deal with Cadbury's to sell their shitty candy. That's sweet, huh?"

Jesus: "I hate to bring this up, but I don't think all the pieces are fitting together. We've got an image problem."
Ted: "What do you mean?"
Jesus: "We've got a serious image problem. You're the Ted bunny. But it's the Easter holiday."
Ted: "So?"
Jesus: "You're going to have to change your name to Easter."
Ted: "Easter?!" Ted asked. He thought about this for a minute. "But my name is Ted."
Jesus: "Listen, Ted, lots of famous people change their names. That's show business. But this is bigger. This is my resurrection," Jesus said pointing to himself. "And who's signing your checks?"
Ted: "You are, but come on, Jesus-"
Jesus: "I hate to ask. Trust me. But if you won't do it, I can get someone just as recognizable."
Ted: "Are you trying to play hardball with me, Jesus? Just who the fuck do you think I am? Jesus Christ!"
Jesus: "What?"
Ted: "You think you can replace me? A cute little bunny?! That's laughable. Recognizable? Cute? Giving? What says that more than me?"
Jesus: "Geoffrey."
Ted: "You can't be serious. He's got that gig with Toys 'R Us."
Jesus: "He said he'd do it. Because he's a spiritual giraffe."
Ted: "You and I both know he's got his nose in the blow. That bastard will do anything for money."
Jesus: "Well, are you Easter bunny, or is Geoffrey going to get himself into the resurrection business?"

And the bunny relented. The Easter bunny. Go fig.

This is real, folks. You can look it up. Probably.