Welcome to the Neighborhood, Asshole

I think I felt an earthquake today.

I was sitting here in my apartment at my desk and then everything kind of shook. But nothing broke, so does that count as an earthquake? Also, nobody else seemed to say anything. This may have been my second quake. I'm a survivor. Of course, maybe it was more my imagination. Then I'm still a survivor, but a survivor of my own stupidity. And this is something I do every day.

The first quake was equally disappointing, by the way. I was sitting there and everything sort of moved back and forth. I was at work. I stood up and the building swayed under and around me. And while everyone else was panicking, I decided it'd be wise to pull the fire alarm. That way, I knew I'd able to get the rest of the day off. When FPS confronted me later, I told them I was standing by the fire alarm pull, and everything was shaking and I just reached out and grabbed what I could. Of course, I went above and beyond by holding a match under the sprinkler--I told them this was because I thought the earthquake would probably start a fire. But also, I really did them a favor because some of the people at the office really needed to shower.

Some new people moved into my office building on the first floor. It's some state government agency. I've tried gathering support and money to purchase a gift basket full of fruit to give them, but nobody's interested in doing this. Cheap bastards. How are we going to make the new tenants welcome without a Goddamn fruit basket? Oh, I suppose everyone would supportive of buying a bunch of candy to give them, but I think this is a bad idea. Candy is bad for you; fruit is good for you. Candy says, "I hope you enjoy the flavor of this now, because my intention with giving you this large amount of candy is for you to go into diabetic shock and DIE. Welcome to the building!" No, I prefer fruit, which says, "Though I'm too cheap to buy you actual candy, I hope to see you happy and healthy. In fact, you're a fucking fat piece of shit and should probably get more fruits and vegetables into your diet, you fucking blimp. LOSE SOME WEIGHT! EXCERCISE MORE, FAT ASS! By the way, welcome to the building." Do you see? the fruit is a far better choice.

CALLING ALL SICK FUCKERS:
Can you draw? Do you paint? Are you gifted in the arts? How about horses? Can you draw horses and motor scooters? How about children's books? Think you are good enough to illustrate one of those? I've got a story, but no illustrator. Perhaps you have illustrations, but no story. I think we could meet half-way, here.