My Friends Hate Me and They Hate My Glasses

I found out something last night. I sipped green beer and ate fish and chips with my friend. I learned a valuable lesson--a few, actually.

The green beer and fish and chips? It's hard to put into words what it did to me. I am a very lightweight drinker. I hadn't had a drink in a month. No, I'm not a recovering alcoholy. I just am a light drinker. I thought I'd be safe to drive after leaving the pub. After all, I'd had one and it took me over an hour to drink it. And it was green. It looked like soda. How harmful can something be if it looks like lime soda?

I pulled into the wrong driveway when I got home. I don't know if this is necessarily the sign of drunkeness, though. I once went for a walk, and when I got back to where my apartment should be, I freaked out and noticed that everything--everything--on the street looked different. I had walked down the wrong street about half a mile and hadn't noticed. I was sober at the time.

But I backed out, and drove into my driveway and parked. I talked to my neighbor. I have very little recollection of what we talked about; I remember I told him I accidentally insulted my friend. He asked if his apartment smelled, and I answered that it did--like the inside of a donkey's asshole. Then evidently, I somehow went home and added to my blog. When I woke up this morning, my stomach felt like I ate several pieces of drywall dipped in plaster, and my head literally felt like it was on fire. I assume it was how Pedro felt when he shaved off all his hair in Napoleon Dynamite because he was so hot.

Have I reached my valuable lesson? No. Well, one: green beer is more than just Rolling Rock with green food dye. Mixed with fish and chips, it'll fuck you up, son.

So it was while I drank the beer and ate the fish and chips. My friend told me she wanted to join Mensa. This is a very smart woman. She went to a good school, speaks intelligently, and is cultured (not like in a petri dish, though). However, I laughed.

And here is my valuable lesson: When someone says something like that, you don't laugh. Of course, I didn't stop here. Because she was upset that I laughed. I'd thought she was joking. And when I saw she was not joking, I accidentally laughed much harder. Perhaps enough to draw attention. If not enough to draw attention, then at least enough to draw tears out of my eyes.

She saw it necessary, at this point, to point out that I was a fucking asshole. I was somewhat surprised, but thought it would be wise to try pulling myself out. I tried explaining my reasoning of why I laughed. After all, if I could just explain myself, she could perhaps laugh along with me.

I told her she wasn't Mensa material. No laughter at this point. Not even a chuckle. Frowning, and furrowing of the eyebrows--there was plenty of that.

This was bad, friends. After all, Mensa--that's the top 2% of the population in terms of IQ. Names that come to mind (perhaps they're not members of Mensa, but they were really Goddamn smart) are Richard Feynmann, Einstein, and Isaac Asimov (Asimov was definately a member). I told her that it'd help if she had had a hand in developing the first atomic bomb, since two of the three people I mentioned had some sort of role in it. I explained that people in Mensa have such powerful brains, it's scary. I told her if she could move a pint of half-drunken green beer with just the power of her brain, then she might be a good candidate.

Friends, this seemed to only make her angrier. She said that she thought I thought I was smarter than her. I said this was absolutely not the case (might I remind you I pulled in the wrong driveway nary a half hour later?). Then she said, "Wait! I see! You think you're smart enough to join Mensa, but I'm not." I told her I wasn't. Then she said, "You think you're smarter than me! You think I'm a fucking idiot! You don't even know me!" I said that this was incorrect, and that though I may appear a complete moron on the surface, I really am a complete moron.

I told her that if she wanted to join Mensa, I would not stop her and would totally be behind her in her venture for membership (and thus, world domination, because that's what they're all about). I even told her I'd buy her a green beer to celebrate. Then she called me a fucking asshole again and I took her home.

And then I drove into the wrong driveway.

Maybe I shouldn't wonder so often why nobody likes to hang out with me.

Check out Black People Hate Me And They Hate My Glasses at Ifilm. Because that's what life's all about.

Peace out.