Pilot Ideas

I enjoy sitcoms. I told my agent I want to write for a TV show. He said that you not only have to write a spec script (which I'm assuming means that you pick an existing show and then write an episode) and a pilot script of an original idea.

So I've been thinking over ideas of pilots. Many of them are really quite brilliant. I'll share three. Even if one of you ingrates steals them, write some good series, and become far more successful than me, I'm an idea factory--they keep coming, because my brain's just so goddamn amazing. Of course, I'll probably have to sue, or seriously injure you, if you do steal my ideas.

IDEA #1
I was thinking of a good protagonist. We'll call him Paul Dumshitface...

FADE IN TO:

INT. PAUL DUMSHITFACE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

PAUL DUMSHITFACE is bathing in huge tub of mayonnaise plopped in the middle of his living room. His entire body is submerged in this mayonnaise. We find out he is actually trying to eat his way through the mayonnaise. After a minute or so, he is actually drowing in the mayonnaise. TERRI, TOM, and GINA sit on the couch. Paul is clinically insane. They are mannequins. They make no move to help him.

                           PAUL
                       (frustrated)
                           Glub.

Paul dies. The struggle with the mayonnaise ends.

FADE OUT.

ANALYSIS: The use of symbolism and the single word of dialogue carries more story in just that one minute of television show than many over several seasons (and associated spin-offs). Unfortunately, Hollywood is more concerned with repeatability and mundane characters that retain the ability to reappear every week, unscathed and still alive. Those Goddamn money-hungry ape fuckers.

IDEA #2
I call this idea 'Deaf Yet Useful to Society.' That won't be the final name for the show. It'll be about a deaf kid that society just takes a total shit on. And what has he done to them? Nothing. He'll work in a mayonnaise plant, where people will make fun of him all day long and he's totally treated like shit. But then, he rises above it all--he turns a deaf ear (which will make this pilot idea pretty funny) and just keeps working. And then one day, half the staff is gone and nobody knows where they've gone. But he'll have eaten them! THAT'S the PILOT episode. And that's what brilliance is all about. Because we, as the audience, knows he's eaten them. But nobody else does! And those that get too close to finding this out (police detectives, inspectors from the CIA, United Nations peacekeepers, etc.), we find out he eats them, too! It'll be fun for the whole family.

IDEA #3
This is about a guy that teaches physics class. We find out he's actually a biology teacher. In the pilot, we see that he is playing strip poker with the superintendent of schools and he has nothing left to lose, so the superintendent says, "If you lose again, you have to teach physics class...AND convert to Judaism!" So he's a newly converted physics teacher who knows nothing about physics OR Judaism. The show is about his trials and tribulations as his family finds out he's now Jewish. His father is a Southern Baptist preacher, and they're already angry at the fact that he's white and the rest of the family is East Indian. Now Jewish?! Holy fuck!

In one of the scenes that shows his ineptitude of Jewish cuisine, he's putting mayonnaise on his latkes, rather than sour cream and apple sauce. He loves the mayonnaise so much, he actually begins smearing it on his face (of course, this act is highly symbolic--it's so much more than him just smearing mayonnaise on his face.

SO?! Those are my ideas. Don't be surprised when you see one (or all) of these developed.