It's Not a Job Interview

I got emailed from one of my blog readers. He wanted to do an interview to put on his blog, http://adamisntgoinganywhere.blogspot.com. I thought this was cool, since I've never been interviewed before, outside of a job interview, or when I was caught trying to sell heroin to cops (and they weren't even undercover). SO, without further ado...the Interview.

THE MOTHERFUCKIN' INTERVIEW, BITCHES

Hey is this Ryan Medinski, talented author of the ever popular http://medinski.blogspot.com?

Yes.

How are you today?

Shitty. I asked a friend to find out if this one girl liked me. This is the one from the bar last Friday who I said may have rejected me. I told him to "work his magic" and find out what she thought about me. However, I told him to go easy on me--put a positive spin, because I'm sensitive. I didn't want him to tell me that she wasn't into me, or that she thought I was an idiot; I wanted a positive spin. Give me the bad news in a good way. So that was yesterday.

He came back to me and told me, "You're too good for her." I had no idea what he was talking about, since I'd forgotten about the positive spin.

"What? What's that mean?" I asked.

"Uh...You're too good for her..." he said with a raise of the eyebrows.

"Oh...oooooh...The positive spin thing. Goddamn it. I still feel shitty," I said.

Hey, clearly yours is my second favourite blog ever, but it has made me laugh more than anything else on the internet. How the hell do you come up with this stuff? Are heavy drugs or Red Bull involved?

I don't enjoy drinking heavily, so I rarely do it. I noticed you wrote that it's your "favourite" blog ever. That's so funny. You spelled "FAVORITE" as "FAVOURITE."

I enjoy energy drinks and coffee, but those have nothing on my discontent. Discontent is what motivates me.

So much of it is stupidly funny and very well written, are you secretly a famous author pretending to work for the government?

I really dislike my job in such an intense way, it should come off as pretty obvious. I've written one book so far, but it's not published as of yet. It's called Aiming for Failure: Because Falling From the Ground Hurts Less. It's a book about accepting and embracing failure as a way of life. I have West coast representation and everything (everything except a book deal).

I'm at work on my second book. Think of Eli Goldratt's The Goal and Fidel Castro's invasion of Cuba.

People the world over believe that our American cousins don't really know too much about the world outside their waters, would you say this is true?

Yes. Cases in point: the Bush Administration and Fox television (though Rupert Murdoch is one of yours, is he not?). Thank you, Australia, for giving us fuckin' Rupert Murdoch. You gave us Mel Gibson--wasn't that enough (NOTE: It has come to my attention that Gibson is American, not Australian. Well, he spent enough time there, right? I'd say that's enough to be Australian in my book)?

Don't think all Americans sit around loving the Bush domination. There's people who disagree, and protest, and generally get angry. However, those who are vocal about it and make a stand are castigated. I love Michael Moore; he's a peaceful dissenter with a strong voice, but few others feel that way.

I know that I don't even know enough about what happens outside of our waters. But it doesn't matter. I'm American. Have hope, though. I applied for a post in the Foreign Service, and failed their tests miserably. Unfortunately, we've got someone heading up the State Department who possesses about as much compassion as I have magic powers (might I add, I have no magic powers).

How is the engaged chicky going? Is she fun in that flirt totally with because she's totally taken kind of way?

No. Nothing flirtatious. No subtle subtext of "I want you now." Which is fine, because I don't chase engaged women (contrary to my actions).

You know, we are totally hanging for your picture book to hit your blog. Do you have a release date?

It'll take some editing and explaining. I'll have to put up a mad disclaimer, too. I meant to bring it home today. But I was driving home with my friend, and we were already on the freeway leaving downtown when I exploded. "MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER!! GODDAMNIT! I left my picture book back on my desk. Fuck!!!" I showed it around today to other employees. I need to make a copy for my manager. Either she'll laugh, or she'll fire me. We'll have to see.

DISCLAIMER: Any similarities with persons living or dead are purely coincidental. This picture book is not meant to be an accurate portrayal of someone who works for a large tax organization, or an employee of the United States Government.

I have sooooooooooooooo many Jewish female friends in Australia that are looking for love. Ever thought of travelling here? Can I send them up to you? Do you prefer to goy it up instead?

I love the goyim. I enjoy the Agnostic/Atheist women. Agnostics and Atheists don't force their religion on you. Jewish women are okay, I guess. I really haven't met too many. Asian women are awesome. I used to date an Atheist Jew--that was pretty cool.

There are so many attractive, single females in this Goddamn city (it's the second largest fucking city in the US), and I can't meet one. Motherfucker.

The permanent government employees are driving me nuts. Any suggestions?

Man, if I had any fucking clue what to do, I'd already have done it. Just don't make yourself permanent; that's MY suggestion.

I decided I want to apply for law school. Not for any good reason, really. I already have a masters in something. But I hate my job so much and feel unqualified for most REAL jobs. I feel law school would be cool because:

A) Another 3 or so years to fuck around

B) Get to quit my job

C) Meet more women

D) Get out of school, and make waaaaay more money than I'm making now.

The Los Angeles metro area is one of the most expensive Goddamn areas in the country--the second most expensive in the West (after San Francisco). I can hardly afford to pay attention.

Thank you for your time young man, it's always a pleasure (by that, I mean, this first time has been a pleasure).

This and yoga in the same day. I feel enlightened.