The Press Release Revolution

I promised my picture book. However, it's been delayed again, due to unforeseen circumstances: I'm fuckin' tired. I got home from the gym and I've got other shit to do.

However, I must share my excellent idea.

The Foundation:
Important people seem to place a lot of importance on the Press Release. And what is a press release, after all? It is a release of information from an organization that is cloaked to look like news rather than advertising. For example, "Poopy Teas today announced the production of their new flavor of tea, Cat Vomit and Peepee Herbal Tea. Marcus Hardballingfuckstikk, CEO of Poopy Teas, said that blah blah blah."

Government agencies, corporations, non-profits--they all put out press releases. Governor Schwarzenegger got in trouble for releasing press releases that were actually disguised as real news. But he didn't get in THAT much trouble.

News releases appear to be unregulated.

The Idea:
Imagine swaying people's buying habits and perhaps changing the course of human history through the use of press releases--perhaps illegitimate, but so odd that nobody's going to check them out. The first press releases would be from the fringes of normal news. It could be a mult-pronged attack.

Commerce
Imagine the AP getting a press release from Poopshoot Industries about a new laxative product. "Poopshoot Industries announces the introduction of Poopyshooters Cereal, a cereal that if eaten regularly, will cause regular regularity. Each delicious pellet of Poopyshooters Cereal is packed with chemicals that will cause near-instant defecation..." Okay, maybe the AP won't print it. But imagine that press release faxed to every wire service, every TV station, and every publication in the United States.

So, okay, Poopyshooters Cereal. No big deal. Maybe it'll be ignored. But then imagine the next press release. "According to the United States Institute of Bowel Regularity, Poopyshooters Cereal cures most forms of malignant cancer." This could start drumming up interest for Poopyshooters Cereal--a cereal that doesn't even exist (because of information from a nonexistent organization). More publications start running the story, and people go out looking for Poopyshooters Cereal.

Next, "Demand for Poopyshooters Cereal is skyrocketing. Poopshoot Industries announces the opening of a seventh plant in North America that will exclusively produce Poopyshooters Cereal..." Not one, not two, not three--but seven plants. And General Mills is getting concerned. They're thinking, "We've never seen this cereal, but we better come up with something to compete." And then they come up with their own laxative-laced cereal, Shitflakes. And what the hell, they find a cure for cancer (though they probably already have it sitting around) and throw it in. And Bob's-your-uncle (though he's mine too), you've got a cancer-curing laxative cereal sitting on the shelf of every grocery store in America (and possibly Canadaland and Australia).

Government
All right. You don't like Republicans, I don't like Republicans. People who want equal rights for everyone (not just us Americans, but those poor sods unlucky enough to live in Iraq and Afghanistan right about now) don't like Republicans. John Howard likes Republicans (he's in Bush's pocket), but I don't want to stray from my point.

My point is that the Democratic Party thinks the way to beat the Republicans is to make themselves stronger. This could be true, but it'd be easier (through the simple use of press releases) to weaken them.

Imagine a press release introducing a major party even more conservative than the Republican Party. "Have you been waiting from a sign from your Lord and Saviour to get out of the leftist Republican Party? The Christ Party met today to announce their official split from the Republican Party. Burt Shwaggison, interim chairman of the Party, explained, "The Republican Party leans too far to the left. We need to get prayer in school, because politics should be firmly planted in the glory and all-encompassing of the teachings of Jesus Christ. Also, there's too many homos and Jews, so we need to take care of those problems as well." The Christ Party will be holding a huge Revival Rally..."

Then you'd have members of CONGRESS discussing changing their party affiliations. More and more people would become more dissatisfied with the left-leaning Republican Party. "They're just not killing enough sinners, homos, and Jews," they'll say before setting out to switch to the Christ Party. Then you send out press releases discussing the masses of people switching party affiliations. Mix in some facts with the fiction. You find out which members of Congress are interested in changing party affiliations, and send out press releases stating, "So-and-So is pursuing switching to the Christ Party..."

Huge rift in the Republican Party. A Christ Party that doesn't exist. This spells a recipe for a Democratic return to the Capitol.

Of course, they could catch wind of the scheme and switch it around. Damn them and their switching around! "After much deliberation, many progressive members of the Democratic Party have split and formed the Jerry Garcia Party..." Uh-oh.

And you never know what the Republicans are going to do. They're a bunch of slimy weasels.