Someone Who's Never Seen a Copier...

This is mirrored at http://blog.myspace.com/medinski. Don't be a bitch. Check it out.

Buyakasha!

I directed my first movie. It's called Bitches are Whack. You can view it at the following address: http://mm.dfilm.com/mm2s/mm_route.php?id=2414096. The actors were such a bitch to deal with.

So this attractive chick at my gym learned that I work for a large government tax agency. Great. Really, I don't care. I stopped telling people what I do. It's usually easier to tell people I'm unemployed, or a serial killer than to tell them what I really do for a living. But some people are interested in what I do. I'm not; it bores me to tears. But they just want to know everything. This chick at the gym (attractive, by the way) wants to see my office.

"Uh...well, you want to see my office?"

"Yes! Very much! I've always wanted to see what goes on in a [large government tax agency] office."

"Um...I'd have to check with my manager. But you know what a cubicle looks like, right?"

And she laughed, as if there was somehow some special magic in our miserable cubicles. "Of course!"

"And you're familiar with filing cabinets, and copy machines?"

She laughed again. "Yes! I really want to see the inside of a [large government tax agency] office."

You know, things in the office are pretty secure and all. Besides, some people feel uncomfortable with outsiders walking through because they might take the food or coffee we have sitting out. And what if they make unauthorized copies? In the past, though, people have brought in close family members or spouses.

So I asked my manager about this today. "There's this really attractive girl at my gym who wants to see what an IRS office looks like. And she wants to take a tour. I'm sure you'd feel more comfortable if I told you I was bringing in a family member or something, so...if I tell you this girl's my wife, can I bring her in to the office?"

My manager asked me if she'd ever seen a copy machine before. I told her she claimed she had, but I didn't know if it was something I should believe. "And filing cabinets?" Yes, I already asked these questions. GOSH!

So I told the girl at the gym that I asked the manager. She asked what the manager said. I realized that my manager had talked about how funny this girl's request was, and then we talked about television sitcoms. So, really, we didn't come up with an answer. Of course we didn't, though. There's the right way to get things done and questions answered...and then there's the government way.

RIGHT WAY:
"Can you tell me what time it is?"
"It is 4:00 PM."

GOVERNMENT WAY:
"Can you tell me what time it--Hey, is that chocolate?"
"Yeah!"
"Sweet! Can I have some?!"
"There's a bag of chips in the vending machine just hanging there. If we hit the machine hard enough, I think we can make it fall! FREE CHIPS!"
"Let's eat the chocolate, and then we'll go get the chips!"
"Sweet!"

Cookie Seizure
I saw a cookie on someone's desk today. A chocolate chip cookie from Costco. I like Costco cookies. They're somewhat soft and and oh so tasty. And I was really hungry. And it was just sitting there.

"Marvana, what's the status on that cookie? I don't want it or anything, but...I was just curious what your plans are with it?" I asked.

She said, "Well, it's going to sit awhile, and then I may eat it later in the day-"

"LATER IN THE DAY?!" I asked. "But it's a cookie! How can you not eat it NOW?!"

She shrugged her shoulders and walked away. There was the cookie--just sitting there. Some people really abuse the 'system.' There's starving kids in China, and I wanted a Goddamn cookie (specifically that one).

So I seized it. By seize, I did a full administrative tax seizure. I went and found these seizure stickers (when property is seized, you HAVE to put one of these stickers warning that the property is now seized and in possession of the government). I slapped the sticker on that cookie and filled out the information. I guess I'd moved from a little practical joke to something far more idiotic.

She came back, "What's this?"

"Your cookie has been seized."

"You used the seizure stickers?"

"Yeah!" And I laughed.

"It's a felony to use those stickers for nonofficial purposes."

Then she picked up the cookie and took a bite.

"You idiot!" I yelled. And everyone in the office looked at me. "You're eating seized property!"

Her eyes bulged and she spit the cookie out all over her desk.

"That was supposed to go to public auction. How are we going to sell damaged goods?"

So she gave me the rest and we called it square.