Volcanoes

I saw a place in Hawaii where this one neighborhood had been completely destroyed by lava. This volcano had erupted and hot fuckin' lava had rolled over this subdivision full of new houses. Most of the houses were completely destroyed.

Wouldn't that be odd if this was a widespread thing? You know, maybe not just volcanoes, but disappearing neighborhoods.

I mean, on the 6 o'clock news, we'd hear, "East Pasadena has completely disappeared. Evidently, there was an eruption of lava from within the Von's grocery store that destroyed the neighborhood. It's gone, so if you live there--you now have no home. Von's is asking its customers to pay with cash only until they get their credit card machines working again." Poof.

Oh, Hawaii, I miss you already. You gave me a tan. Maybe you gave me melanoma, you trickster you.

But that flattened lava neighborhood was cool. From the helicoptor, you could see that the entire neighborhood hadn't been destroyed. There were these islands where the lava had flowed around. So in the middle of a huge lava field, there's suddenly a couple of houses just sitting there. Sort of makes you wonder what the hell anyone was thinking to decide, "Yeah, I'll buy this house right in the shadow of an active volcano."

I was told that the owners of these houses wouldn't get insurance money if the lava destroyed their homes, so they surrounded their homes with cans of gasoline. Once the lava proceeded far enough...KABOOM! Insurance checks galore. I guess that's not arson. I guess it's considered accidental to leave cans of gasoline outside around your house, and then some lava comes wondering along and accidentally blows your house up.

Most of the unflattened houses are vacant. But at least one was occupied by a guy named James. The helicoptor pilot said that James had lived in his house since 1972 (11 years before the 1983 eruption). James stayed, even though his his is surrounded on all sides by now-cool lava. His neighbors' houses were destroyed, as were the roads to his house. Now he has to take an hour-long motorcycle ride to get in and out. Fucked up, right?

That'd be cool, though. The Fuller Brush Man, Mormons, door-to-door evangelical Christians, and the guy that leaves those stupid door-hang advertisements for local pizza restaurants--all a thing of the past. Nobody'd come to the front door.