Bobby Fischer Took my Grill. How the Fuck Will I Make My Steaks?

Reminder: This same shit appears at blog.myspace.com/medinski. But since you're already here, don't worry about putting your pants back on...

To impress a girl, I told her I'd make her dinner. Not just to impress her, of course. There's something about showing a woman that you know your way around a kitchen. To show you can put different raw ingredients together and, with a little heat, transform them into something far more stunning. There's something primitive. There's something in this that links us with our forefathers' forefathers' forefathers' forefathers' forefathers' forefathers' forefathers' forefathers' forefathers' forefathers' forefathers' forefathers as they took control of FIRE and figured out how to correctly apply it to cook a piece of meat, or make a brilliant creme broulee.

Okay. So it is just to impress her. Fuck you.

I have a bunch of concerns I need to address before I do this. I'm about to shove off to the grocery store, but really need some direction...

1) What brand of frozen pizza should I get?
Obviously, store brand just won't cut it here (don't suggest getting Kroger-brand and stuffing it into a Tombstone Pizza box, either). I need a brand that says, "Homemade." Obviously, DiGiorno is supposed to look like it was delivered. That won't cut it. It's got to look like I made it, God damnit! Okay...don't panic, Ryan.

2) Does adding a sprig of parsley to a TV dinner give it that 'made from scratch' look?
I bought assloads of parsley. I figured I could cover up the entire TV dinner tray with it. I figured that she'd be so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of parsley piled in front of her, her attention would be drawn away from the fact that I hadn't removed the food and put it on a tray.

3) Roscoe's is delicious, but I don't want to spend that kind of money. Do you think she'll pay if I pretend to completely ruin dinner, and then say, "I was trying to make fried chicken and waffles--just like they make at Roscoe's. I'm such a Goddamn fuckup. I really wanted to eat Roscoe's like food. You know, like the one less than five minutes from here up on Lake Avenue, but I spend all this money on this chicken in the oven and I'm broke...What are we ever going to do?"
Roscoe's is delicious. And it's not that I don't want to spend that kind of money; I just wish it was free. And if I can get her to pay, then it is free (at least to me). I think the key to doing this right is to take a bucket of KFC and put it in my oven at 550 degrees for an hour and a half. That should set that "burnt chicken--better go out to dinner" mood right away.

4) If she keeps kosher, do you think she'll enjoy eating imitation soy ham?
I mean, obviously I'm not going to spend the extra money on the goofy, strange-tasting imitation soy ham when the real ham is half the price. I suppose the real question is this: Will she notice? The same question applies to crab meat, and imitation crab meat. Discuss.

5) What should I serve for dessert?
And by this question, I suppose I mean to ask how fast you think she'll clean my kitchen. Would you expect her to clean it better and faster if the food's really good, or are there other variables I should take into consideration? Maybe I'll leave my vacuum cleaner out for her, too--just in case she's in the mood.

6) I promised I'd make steak. If I serve cold cereal, do you think she'll remember my "promise?"
Promises were meant to be broken. Like rules. But breaking a promise tends to make you more of an asshole. And I went looking around for a cereal that resembled steak, so I could at least say, "No, no, take a look. It's Steak Flakes!" No cereal that resembles steak, though (at least I didn't see it on the shelf at Trader Joe's. However, I realized that I could get a couple of bags of beef jerky and shred it. Then, I can pour nice cold milk over it when she gets here and *VOILA!* Ryan is suddenly eating dinner by himself...

7) How should I make the steaks?
There's so many ways: on the George Foreman grill, a barbeque grill, in the oven, in a cast-iron skillet, broiled, etc. However, the George Foreman's on the fritz. I lost my barbeque grill, and suspect it was stolen by...well, nevermind my conspiracy theories. The fact is, the barbeque grill is gone*. Basically, all the other methods won't really work. At issue, also, is that I really like a woody, mesquite flavor from my steak. When you roast something over an open grill, mesquite or applewood chips really add a lot of flavor. But again, I have no grill. I'm thinking of taking the steaks and wrapping them up in wax paper with the woodchips, then throwing them in the microwave for about 10 minutes. I think that should do it, but do you think that'll work? It shouldn't be too different than if I did it on a grill, right?

Wish me luck. If you need any culinary advice, just ask.

* I suspect Bobby Fischer. Seriously. He used to keep his shit in storage here in Pasadena, and then the property owner of the storage place sold it all at public auction because Fischer never paid his rent. Bobby Fischer got really mad that all his shit got sold. I figure that he saw my grill just sitting there and the bastard took it! That anti-semitic chess-playing prick stole my grill! Obviously, he illegally came back into the country to do it, and then left undetected with my grill.