Big Balls in Cowtown Will Dance Around

The contest results are in. Remember the contest? I held a contest where I asked for original, thoughtful writings. There were many submissions.

Many as in two. That's right. Two submissions. In making a general request for some original, thoughtful writings, you've got me feeling like I'm fishing in an empty bathtub.

Anyway, there were two winners. The first emailed submission I got was from MAKEYOURDICKBIG@OPPORTUNITY.A043.NET, who chose to spend his time talking about herbal supplements. Unsolicited email won the prize for the Goddamn Retard. Let me ask you something, dear blog reader: How does it feel to get beat out by spam? Does it make you feel like a stupid bitch? It should. Stupid bitches.

Before I tell you who won the the first, second, and third prizes, I'll remind you what they are: an anti-Bush T-shirt (brand-new, never worn!), a blue ball cap worn by a fictitious character, and a bottle of delicious Trader Joe's Santa Fe Sauce.

The big winner is Armand Carriznozna from Soccinjaw, Wisconsin. Armand's grasp of the English language is akin to my grasp of molecular physics (and I am no molecular physicist). So, perhaps you'll find his post as interesting as I did. Yes, the people that come to this country from afar are courageous, strong people--full of hope and that pioneering American spirit that makes this country what it is. But once they're out of earshot, I find it feels pretty good to laugh at and make fun of them; there's something in that simple act that makes me somehow feel superior.

Anyway, I want to tell you about...
An Average Bureaucratic Day of Government Service
This is a story about a guy (we'll call him Rodney) that works for a large government tax organization (something like the IRS, California EDD, and the Railroad Retirement Board). He's supposed to collect $1500 from this one guy. The man came in, and pulled out $1500 in cash. Rodney left the guy and his money in a little waiting room and got his receipt book and supervisor.

His supervisor said, "CASH?! You can't take CASH! Well, you can, but you have to write a receipt. Are you sure he has to pay cash? Rodney, that receipt is a nightmare."

Rodney said that the guy couldn't go get a cashier's check or money order. Rodney used to sell cars, and knew that when there's money on the table, you don't let it walk out the door.

And Rodney was forced to follow the procedures to take that cash. The procedures forced Rodney to do the following...

1) Get out his Form 809 receipt book

2) Get out the instruction manual to use the Form 809 receipt book

3) Read the instruction manual, while the supervisor reads over her manual and checks the organization's policy manuals regarding receipts and taking cash. Meanwhile, the man waits in the waiting room while they do this.

4) Rodney and his supervisor make a xerox copy of the receipt he will use, which has a unique identification number on it.

5) Rodney fills out the xerox copy of the receipt, signs it, and gives it the man.

6) The supervisor, with Rodney witnessing, counts the money and shoves it in an envelope. The amount is written on the envelope.

7) The man leaves.

8) Rodney leaves an hour early per supervisor's order.

9) Rodney drives to Post Office to convert the $1500 into two money orders. Each money order costs $1.25.

10) Rodney stores the money orders in his locked glove compartment overnight, since he feels that his car is less likely to get broken into than his apartment. He has trouble thinking, since if the money orders disappear, his job does too.

11) Rodney goes to work the next morning with the money orders. Rodney sits down in his manager's office and fills out the actual receipts in the Form 809 receipt book. This is difficult, because there are 4 carbons to go through. However, the last person that filled out a receipt got written up because he wrote too hard on the receipt. Each and every part of the receipt has to be exactly filled out correctly, or Rodney will get written up or fired. If he fills it out really wrong or willfully neglects his duties regarding the receipt book, he can be arrested by one of many federal agencies.

12) The other supervisor walks in, sees Rodney filling out the Form 809 receipt, and announces, "You took cash? What an idiot!" Later, he brings Rodney a jelly donut as a peace offering and apologizes.

13) Stressed, Rodney cannot mess up. He cannot make a mistake, or he'll have to void the receipt. Each one stays with him for his entire career. Each time he messes up (if he messes up), he'll have to fill out a form explaining why he voided it.

14) Rodney messes it up. He is writing in the serial numbers of the money orders and transposes two numbers. He begins to cry. He somehow turns a '0' into a '4' and an '8' into a '1,' and hopes that nobody notices that these look odd.

15) Rodney keeps COPY 4 with the receipt book. Rodney sends COPIES 2 and 3 to Central Processing with the money orders and a Form 795 transmittal slip. Rodney sends COPY 1 to the putz who gave him $1500.

16) Rodney looks on Monster.com and Hotjobs.com in preparation for when he's fired for messing up the receipt. Any mistake will not be caught today, tomorrow, in a week, or in a month. He will get a phone call and/or people with big guns will show up in 2 to 4 years with a copy of the receipt in a Ziplock bag.

The end. Good night. Balls.