Science: It's Not Just For Smart People

I drove all over Los Angeles today--from Pasadena to Pomona, La Verne, Rowland Heights, West Covina, Glendale, Burbank, West Hollywood. Of course, I'm going to charge the mileage for work expenses. And it technically was for work.

Just because I didn't do any work, doesn't mean I can't put it on the ol' expense report (or as we call the automated travel system in our organization, TRAS).

No, I went looking around for the perfect taco salad. You think that sounds stupid? Well, you're a Goddamn retard. Who's stupid now, retard?

No, this was the pursuit of hard science: taste-testing for the perfect taco salad across LA (on my employer's dime). I even charged the taco salad. And since today I was only certified to get compensated for mileage (as in no per diem), I'll have to put in my travel report that I didn't just drive the 115 miles that I really drove, but approximately 747 miles (which at 40.5 cents per mile, allows for the mileage I really drove PLUS the cost of the 18 taco salads I tried and accompanying drinks).

To be scientific, I purchased a Corona with each taco salad that I ate. Now, I didn't eat every taco salad I came across in its entirety. I don't think I could handle 18 taco salads.

Why taco salads, you ask? The shells are drenched in oil, it's full of fat, and, despite the cameo appearance of lettuce and other vegetables, the star of the meal is shit that's not really fit for human consumption. Perfect.

I've got to say, the first four taco salads were really similar. But I realized this was so, because I'd ordered them all from the same chain restaurant. I would have thought there'd be some taste variations among the different geographic locations, but I guess the assholes at El Pollo Loco (The Crazy Chicken) disagree.

So 4 Coronas and 4 taco salads later, I'm getting kind of full. It was at this point, actually, that I started my, "Eat enough to get an impression," policy. Before, I was stuffing all the food in my face. But I was really hungry; now, not so much. I also thought, "What if the next El Pollo Loco offers up a taco salad that tastes just like the first 4?" So the next two places, I went to Taco Bell and bought my own 6-pack of Coronas at Ralph's.

When I ate those taco salads, I forgot to take notes. But I remember they yelled at me--just because I was slurring my speech (and perhaps I might have asked to urinate on the soda dispenser (okay, I didn't ask)).

I don't remember the next few taco salads. They were a blur. I had to buy another 6-pack. I know I bought more beer (it wasn't Corona; I switched to Natty Light because I could get a 36-pack for the price of a 6 pack of Corona). I know I made this decision because that's what the receipt said once I found it in my underwear.

How I even found my way to my car is a mystery. I remember taking a nap in the back seat. Did somebody drive me?

I really don't remember what happened. I woke up hours later in a pile of half-eaten taco salads and vomit. I think it's mine.

Who's the big winner of my taste-test?

Me. I'm the big winner.