My Own Private Idaho

Something I've always wanted to do is to buy an island--doesn't matter where or how big--and secede from the United States. And reality has come a step closer.

Let me start off by saying I'm not anti-American. I myself would retain my citizenship. That's the point, though, because I'd form my own country with my own military, central bank, historical markers, postal service, and diplomatic missions. Think about this. I could hold parades whenever I want. I would make my birthday a national holiday. My face would be on the money.

But that's not the cool part.

It's one-upmanship.

You know those assholes who say, "I was just talking to my friend, the Tony Danza..." or, "I just visited my good friend Tony Blair the other day and..." or, "You know, the Lord Jesus Christ and I were playing doubles tennis with Nelson Mandela and Vicente Fox and..."? It's annoying.

But imagine being able to honestly say, "I seceded from the United States, formed my own country, and now I'm late for a meeting with the U.N. Security Council. You were saying something about Tony Danza?"

Not that I'm one of those guys that says, "Imagine how much ass I could get telling that to girls," but I mean think about it--imagine how much ass I could get telling that to girls.

I would control the Rymerica Central Bank in such a way that I could send the economy into rapid, dangerous inflation, or in the direction of horrible deflation. And this would be cool, because I could impress girls and use it to get bulk discounts.

But even better would be my attempts at waging war against other countries. "Today, I am waging a covert war against the country of...Ecuador?" And then I'd simply announce that the invasion was a success, and would send out redrawn maps with the press releases to all the international wires, including Rymerica's own news agency. If the people of Ecuador said, "You're such a bullshitting liar," I could just wage war against, say, Cameroon the next day, and another country the next (like Poland or some other small Third World Country). And then over time, I'm sure certain countries would start to believe it. I'd definitely send out press releases saying I successfully invaded Zimbabwe and removed Mugabe from power. Whoa, that would totally fuck him up. He'd be so confused.

I said reality came closer at the beginning. It's true. I've packed my bag. It's my Dictator Survival Kit, and really just includes a few changes of clothes and some sunscreen. And packing, I think, is a really major step. All I have to do now is buy the island and go live there. I can print the paper money on my own printer, though.