A Contaminated Ding Dong

"Shut up, Ryan. You're such a motherfucking fag."

I was told this today by a friend today. He yelled this at me over the phone. And then after a long, awkward pause he said, "Hey, can you put that up on your blog?"

And I said, "Eat shit."

"Hey," he said, "Listen, you should put that on your blog. But don't tell everyone I perform oral sex on myself at every opportunity."

And I, of course, was like, "Uh...you perform oral sex on yourself at every opportunity?"

"No. I was just...You took it out of context," he answered.

I shifted the phone on my ear to make sure I was hearing him right. "What context? There's no context to take it out of. You said that you perform oral sex on yourself."

"No, no, no," he laughed at the other end of the phone. "You misunderstood me. I said anal sex."

There was a long, long pause. "I mean..." he started to say, "I don't do that anymore. Listen, just forget it. Don't put anything on your blog."

And I said, "But I've got to put somethin'."