Steal Your Way to Unreported Income

Make Lot of Fuckin' Money!
Everyone notices when you steal office supplies. Rubberbands, paperclips, computers, staplers, staple removes, telephones. Somehow, people figure it out.

I noticed after multiple experiments, though, that nobody notices if you wear the office supplies and walk out the door. I told my supervisor this and proceeded to hide an entire pile of paperclips in my hair. Then I put some charcoal pencils behind my ears and put about 50 rubberbands on my leg. While she went to send a fax, I unplugged her keyboard and secured it to my body by wrapping the cord around my leg. I unplugged her phone and wrapped the handset around my torso and tied it in a knot so it wouldn't fall off.

She came back and gave me this strange look, which I construed as her thinking that something was amiss...but she wasn't sure what. She had no idea I had all these office supplies until I told her. I removed them. But I think I've really figured out a way to get some eBayable items from the office.

No Disneyland For Me, God Damn it
My manager (non-union) and supervisor (union) always somewhat joke about firing me. I don't think they do this with others. I'm a new hire. All new hires are on a one-year probation period. During this time, they can let you go as they please--if you part your hair wrong, if you mess up, if they don't like the color of your shirt. They don't have to really give any reason. Perhaps this is why they like to joke about firing me.

Of course, I do my job well and everyone knows it. This means I know there's very little chance of them firing me.

So, today when my manager was talking about getting rid of me again, I started thinking of what would happen if they really DID fire me. And then I knew how bored I was by my job when I decided I would prefer that they fire me.

I thought of what I'd do. Hell, my lease is up. I could temporarily move to my parents' house in Arizona. My mom would be thrilled (not about the 'no income' part of it, but they miss me and keep telling me they'd love if I lived closer (though they probably didn't mean inside their house)). They just got the entire east wing of their house redone, and that's where I'd be able to stay. I could wake up late, go for a swim in the pool, play with the dogs...Getting fired would be like a vacation!

And then I snapped back to reality--my supervisor saying maybe she SHOULD let me go (with a little chuckle), and I told her, "You're not going to fire me." But I said it in the way that an 8 year old thinks he's going to Disneyland, then realizes that his mom and dad will probably just end up taking him to Walmart instead, and says, "You're not taking me to Disneyland."