A Contest Even a Fuckin' Retard Can Win

It's that time.

It's time for a contest. And prizes will be involved. No, I'm not shitting you. I love contests, and maybe you--yes you--could be the big winner! Check out the prizes before saying, "I'm so Goddamn lazy and useless, I'm not even going to try, because I'm a Goddamn retard." Even the Goddamn retards have a chance; there is a prize for the biggest Goddamn retarded entry I get!

The Contest
I want a guest post. It must be creative and interesting--something that is riveting and will draw more readers to my blog. It must be based in reality. You can talk about a favorite topic of science, a poem you're trying to write, which step you're on in AA--anything you want. It's got to be concise and show an economy of words. After my screening process with my editorial team, the winners will be chosen. The winning entries will be posted non-consecutively: on days when I feel like writing nothing.

It's a golden opportunity to show the world that you a) are capable of writing something interesting and thought-provoking and b) like to win cool shit (see below).

Prizes
First of all, these are real. You will receive at least one of these if you win. I'm not horseshitting you. If you are the sole entrant of my contest, you'll win them all. Why not?

First Prize is a remnant of the 2004 presidential election. Wear this with pride...even though we lost and failed miserably. Save it until the 2008 election! Go DNC Chairman Howard Dean! You can steer this great country towards The Light! This is a close-up shot of the shirt. Actual cash value is $650! Sweeeeeeet...

The winner of the Biggest Goddamn Retarded Post also wins one of the shirts above. You don't even have to wait until the 2008 election to start wearing it. Wear that shirt and act like it's November 2nd.

Second prize is a super sweet blue ball cap. Hand-crafted to look worn and aged, this ball cap only LOOKS like it was stolen from a lost-and-found (when in fact it's not really stealing if the person lost it anyway--I mean that's why it's in the lost-and-found). Amaze your friends with this blue ball cap, worn by none other than the completely fictitious character, Gevin Kant--who, if you remember, told me the story about his son saying, "This is Jesus Christ!" about the snow. Yes, he doesn't exist (he's a fictitious character)--but his hat does, and you can win it! Actual cash value is $400!

Third place wins a bottle of Trader Joe's premium Santa Fe Sauce. Your mouth will be saying, "Sweet Jesus! I can't believe that something can be this good and not leave track marks on my arms or between my toes, or twitching and seizing in a pool of my own puke!" but your body will be saying, "Fat-free and low-carb!" Simmer it with some chicken and bay leaves! Put it on pork chops! Smear it in your hair and rinse it out with conditioner! It's so versatile, you can do almost anything with it. Actual cash value is $140.

All rights to submitted entries are retained by me. All entrants will receive a personal response by me--at the very least to say you're a fucking moron, and perhaps even to say you're a fucking asshole. The contest ends soon.

Do you consider yourself the rightful owner of one of these prizes? Don't email or call to say I can't give away shit that doesn't belong to me. Enter now and win it back before someone else wins your shit!!