Hot Bitches With Big Fuckin' Brains

A friend of mine had a stunning success using the personal ads.

Well this is some strange shit. Especially if you met this particular friend. He used a popular Jewish dating service, jdate.com. Not only is this woman supposedly free of physical defects, but she's supposedly also attractive and smart. What the fuck?

From a personal ad?

I feel a bit left out. After all, when a friend enters a new relationship, you temporarily lose them. The honeymoon period of any relationship is a time-consuming, exhausting time. He's basically embarked on a full-time project in addition to holding down a full-time career. It's almost admirable, the way he's happily taking on these duties as "New Boyfriend," while still holding a job with a major taxing authority.

But I have to outdo him. He is my friend, after all.

I was going to take a half-page advertisement out on page 5 of the Los Angeles Times. Do you know how much that shit costs?! I told them if they were going to charge me that much (and only for a personal ad), they might as well switch it to page three and I'll just take the whole damn page. I ordered two of these (I'll explain below).

So there goes my Blog Marketing Expense for the month of April. Damn it. This means I had to cancel appearances at a couple of trade shows. And forget about my latenight cable infomercials. But I'm really thinking that I should get some responses to this. But I've really got to get into a relationship--and fast.

Not that being single is a bad thing. I'm trying to one-up my friend, here. I mean, some silly little personal ad versus a full-page advertisement in the LA Times? And if this works, who knows?

My ad seems like it will work. Actually it's a series of two ads that will run consecutively. It says, "You are nothing without Ryan," in huge bold print in the middle of the page. I also put a picture of a palm tree and a child kicking a human head around (an homage to Robert Rodriguez's El Mariachi). Then, the second ad says, "Ryan offers everything you'll ever need."

I couldn't afford the third ad, which would have had my contact information. I talked this over with my advisors, and all pretty much agree that this would probably have to be the most important of the three. Still, I'm hoping it works. I'm thinking women will call me non-stop. Hot ones with big brains. I'm pretty excited.