My Take on Poetry (not that I'm a poet, but I've tried to get in some of their pants)

Writing poems is hard.

Actually, it's easy. But to write one that people don't make fun of and say, "This is the shittiest poem I've ever read; you have a degree in creative writing?" about is a pretty big challenge.

I tried explaining that I studied fiction, not poetry. They are two different things. I did not study poetry. Because I hate poetry. Partially because I hate poets. Not all of them, mind you.

This is not one of those random, baseless hatreds. It's not like racism or bigotry. These are based on prejudice--judging before you KNOW you despise something. I've had enough experience to learn a few things about self-proclaimed poets. There are certain things many do.

MYTH #1: It's Better if I Read it in a Melodramatic Voice
No it's not. It's just as shitty as you're hoping it's not. Take off your top!

MYTH #2: My Poetry is Better if I Make it Really Short, and Really Unclear What the Fuck I'm Talking About
Your two line pretentious poem is shitty. You are shitty. But you know what wouldn't make listening to it as shitty of an experience? If you took your top off.

MYTH #3: It's Better if I Attempt to Pay Homage to the Poets That Inspire Me By Writing About Them--In My Fuckin' Poem
You and your poetry are pretentious if you think you are at the level that you can even put yourself on the same plane as Bukowski or Ginsberg. Or me. But I'll let you take your top off.

MYTH #4: My poem about My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is Original and Inspirational!
No it's not. You're a Goddamn tool. You might love Jesus, but he and I both hate your poetry. We'd hate it less if you took your top off.

MYTH #5: Nobody's Ever Been in Love as Much as Me, so I Write a Poem That Tries to Capture What I Feel
He only wants you for your body. He says he loves you, but he wants you to take your top off. You might thing he wants to read your poetry; he really just wants to bang you. And if you're a guy writing a poem about love, you're gay. Your poem is secretly about gay love, and gay sex, and how you're really, really gay underneath what you hope is a masculine-looking shell. But we know you're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just saying, denile isn't just a river in Africa.

MYTH #6: Poetry Slams Are Totally Awesome!
Poetry slams are totally lame. Just because Malcolm-Jamal Warner does it doesn't make it cool. Taking your top off would make it really cool, though.