Get That Laundry Done...the FAST Way

Today was going to be laundry day. It was going to be laundry day. But no more, because I didn't have to go to the laundromat.

I now have soap and water all over my living room floor, though. That's not a bad thing, though, considering how much one typically pays to get their carpets shampooed.

Why did I do this?

The answer is curiosity. Yes, curiosity; that age old vice that infects the best of them: Socrates, Albert Einstein, Isaac Asimov, Colonel Sanders. It's that strong desire to find out what the fuck is going on with something. Curiosity. Without curiosity, Christopher Columbus wouldn't have said, "I wonder if there's another route to China by going the other way around the world. Maybe I'll be able to stop by an In 'n Out." Thomas Edison wouldn't have said, "Fuck, I wonder if there's a better way to read in the dark than with these gas lamps and arc lights." The Hamburgler wouldn't have said, "Nobody seems to mind as much when I steal a hamburger than when I kidnap small disabled children."

Yes, curiosity got the best of me, too. Curiosity and just a touch of alcohol.

So I was completely drunk--past the point when I usually pass out. I figured I was doing well, and I thought, "Do I really have to go out to the laundromat?" I have soap and water. What else do I really need? And I was in no condition to drive, anyway.

I dressed up in all of my clothing that I wore over the previous week: about 3 t-shirts, 7 pairs of boxers, 10 pairs of socks, 6 dress shirts, two pairs of jeans, and some undershirts. I poured a few cups of laundry detergent on me and rubbed it around. Then, I took a long shower. This killed two birds with one stone:
1) Clean laundry
2) Shower
Ergo, I saved water (though I passed out for a short amount of time as the water was running) and time. I made sure to get nice and wet, and made sure that the soap was worked in really well.

When I was done, I got out and spun around and around in the living room (just like a dryer would do) for several minutes.

And then, I burst outside and went running through the neighborhood at full tilt to continue drying the clothes. I left a trail of sudsy water as I ran. People seemed to stare and watch at me--a model of efficiency and true intelligence.

"This is a man that knows how to do laundry." Nobody said this, but the looks on their faces said this and more.

Let me be your domestic chore role model.