There was no post yesterday, 4/26/2005.
This blog was on a short haitus. I hired a Blog Improvement Consultant and met with him yesterday. My blog's readership is falling. Though readership has improved greatly over this period last year, I didn't have a blog this time last year. However, after the initial excitement of BLOGFEST 2005 and my GRAND OPENING SALE (though I really didn't have anything to sell), I felt it wise to meet with the Blog Imrpovement Consultant.
He told me, "You are aiming too high. Most people who read do so in short bursts because they have a very short attention span." He was going to continue, but pulled out a Pez dispenser and ate a Pez (well, it looked like Pez) and something caught his attention outside the window and he insisted on running around outside and chasing it.
So when he came back in, he said, "Oh...okay, where were we? Oh, right! Next, another important thing to remember is that people read in short bursts because they have a short attention..." and then he sort of trailed off. "SEX!" he screamed. "You need sex!"
I agreed.
"No!" he screamed again. "On your blog! Talk more about sex! Have links to sex! Have pictures of sex!"
He looked on his screen at my blog. "I notice you don't use a lot of explanation points," he said, getting somewhat serious. "Why NOT?!!" he yelled.
"I don't like exclamation points," I said backing up a few steps. He was twitching in his chair. "They're kind of...stupid."
"STUPID?!! THEY'RE NOT STUPID! AND WHY IS EVRYTHING SPELED RITE?!" he screamed at me. "AND ALL THIS PUNCTUATION WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR BETTER THEN ME?!!!"
And then he exploded and I got blood and pieces of flesh all over me. Too bad I'd already written him the check. I don't know how this is going to get more people to my blog.
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9 comments:
You, pretentious jerk. You should write to write. Not for others to read. And btw: I am not reading your blogs. I just am so smart, I know what you're writing without having to read what you're writing; therefore, I can leave appropriate comments about the stuff you write which I don't read...the stuff you write.
You, pretentious jerk. You should write to write. Not for others to read. And btw: I am not reading your blogs. I just am so smart, I know what you're writing without having to read what you're writing; therefore, I can leave appropriate comments about the stuff you write which I don't read...the stuff you write.
huh, I wonder why the blogger thing posted my comment twice...don't worry, you only have to read it once, which is one more time than I've read your blog...which you wrote.
Dude, are you writing your posts and then writing your own anonymous comments? That's pretty freakin' smart!
My original comment was going to be something along the lines of how stupidly funny your blog is, but having consulted my Blog Comment Consultant I've decided not to. He mentioned that Praise will only Degenerate The Situation and I will only present myself as a Mindless Following Yes Man.
I agreed with everything he said and handed over the 2 grand fee. Unfortunately he left before I started typing this response and this, this is all I've managed to come up with on my lonesome.
P.S) Can you sex someone else who is trying to improve their blog? Reach a Kiss 'n' Blog agreement?
that Adam is so spot on, he's amazing!
Ha!!!! HA!!!!! HA!!!!! That's great!!!!!!!!!!!
But, I agree sex would help!!!!!!!!!!
you know, exclamation points are up to the number 22 cause of shockexplosion related deaths and also cleaning services hirings.
Hello! I'm Jan, the Illegalist.
Ryan-
You are such a motherfucking fag. And I don't have anal sex with myself. But you do. And I don't.
HA!
PS Sorry I did not call you last night. I was busy having sex with myself.
9 comments!!! This blog is unstoppable!
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