Rejection: You Make Me Single and You Eat My Cashews

My old friend, Rejection, came and paid me a visit today. He's been making semi-frequent appearances ever since I moved to this city. Another girl turned me down. God dammit.

"Well, Ryan," he said to me, "You can't win them all."

He was sitting on the edge of my desk eating some cashews out of the baggy of snack mix I brought with me to work. He wore a long black robe and I couldn't see his face. Oh, and he had a scythe.

"Listen," I said, "You can't be hanging around here."

"Why not? I go anywhere I please," he said. What a self-righteous fuckshit.

"You're starting to piss me off. You make the girls not want to go out with me."

"What?" he asked. He started to pick out the raisins from my snack mix and eat those, too (that bastard).

I told him, "You're Rejection. Every time I try to talk to a girl, you come and visit me, and the girl doesn't want anything to do with me." And it was true. I asked this attractive girl from work (but from another floor) to lunch, and it's not that she said 'no,' but she gave a tentative, extremely general 'yes' since she's so swamped with her work. I felt like a winning $2 lottery ticket--she could cash it in at any time, but why cash in a $2 lottery ticket? "Can't you let me go out with a couple girls, have some good times, and just leave me alone?" I asked Rejection.

Then Rejection turned to me and picked up his scythe. "Uh, listen, Ryan. I think you have the wrong idea about me. I'm here to collect your sou-"

"RYAN!" my manager yelled. She walked up to my desk with a bunch of work I'd fucked up. "Who's this?"

"This is Rejection," I said.

"Did he sign in?"

"No," I told her.

"You'll have to get him a visitor's badge," she told me dropping the file on my desk. "And do this all over. It's terrible. Do you even know what you're doing?"

"No. But it's government work. Who cares?" I asked.

"Get him a visitor's badge. NOW," she said. And then she walked away.

Rejection took his scythe and a few more cashews from the bag. "Eh, don't worry about it. I was just leaving."

And then he left. I hope he fucking leaves me alone. What an asshole.

Meanwhile, check out this acapella singing Nintendo stuff. Brilliant. Awesome stuff.