What's in a name? Not much, unless your name is Fucking Shiteater.

I'm thinking about changing my name. No, I'm fucking serious.

A call came in the other day to my workgroup's line, and a coworker answered. And then my coworker announced, "Uh...this person wants Ryan Magellan."

We sort of looked at each other. "Um...That must be for me."

So I picked up the phone and said, "Hello, this is Ryan Magellan." And let me tell you, it sounded quite natural. I said to myself, 'Yes, I do believe I feel like a Magellan.' The conversation continued, and I continued referring to myself as Mr. Magellan--probably more than I should have. And then I thanked her profusely for opening my eyes when we got off the phone.

I have a plan for when I change my name. I could change history (or at least peoples' perceptions of it). I think we need more Jewish heroes, so the conversation would go something like this:

"I'm directly decended from Ferdinand Magellan, the great Spanish Jewish mariner."

And of course, here's where I work my magic with history. The other person would say, "What? Magellan sailed for Spain...during the Spanish Inquisition."

"Of course! All the great Spanish explorers were Jewish! The Spanish were anti-semitic, though, so they tried keeping it secret that everyone making all these discoveries was Jewish."

"Really?"

"Of course! All the great explorers were Jewish. In fact, Ferdinand Magellan's real name was Ferdinand Magellansberg."

I'm sure at least a few people will believe me. And then they'd start talking about it as truth. And then someone--yes, all it takes is one--would add that extra little detail in the history books. And then all the great Spanish explorers (yes, even Christopher Columbustein) would become Jewish.

Oy! Won't my parents be proud!